Hello Employee #15294!
Welcome to the P.Net Corporation (PNC) Information Center. This service is set up to provide both new and old employees with a comprehensive collection of memos and company announcements to ensure that everyone is up to speed and operating efficiently. It appears that this is your second visit to the Information Center.
You can find one previous update, 157-169, here.
Please take the time to read all updates in full as they contain pertinent information which may get you fired if not adhered to. PNC again thanks you for your continued cooperation.
Memo #170, 02-12-2005: The Receiving department has informed us that a horse was mishandled and mistakenly delivered to Research Building #11. There have been a few reports of it roaming the halls and snacking on sugar cubes from the various break rooms. While we don't anticipate danger to any employee, it is encourged that you do not approach this horse and inform Security immediately. We will be shutting down all break rooms in the area and have raised the office terror level to yellow for the time being.
Memo #171, 02-15-2005: Effective immediately, it should be noted by all employees that we will be renaming the PNC Daycare Center to the PNC ChildCare Center. We felt it was misleading to some employees that we only cared about their children during the daytime. In order to better serve you, the PNCCCC has been relocated to floor #3, next to the broom closet. The rooms are not labeled but it should be pretty obvious which is which. One room has a bunch of wooden, lifeless objects in it and the other contains brooms.
Memo #172, 02-25-2005: In order to comply with a recent lawsuit settlement, we have been forced to hire a number of midgets on as staff members. They should be treated as any new employee would, which is to say feel free to push them down stairs and steal food from them whenever possible. Additionally, we would appreciate the cooperation of all employees in not calling them "half pints", "tiny tots", or "wee things" and stick the more politically correct term of "dramatically undersized yet anatomically correct bundle of joy."
Memo #173, 03-03-2005: It has come to our attention that members of the Research staff in Building #11 are refusing to hand over the horse to Security, whom they have nicknamed Muffinbran. At this time, we would like to remind all employees that pets in the office are strictly prohibited and corrective administrative action will be taken unless this situation is remedied.
Memo #174, 03-10-2005: We would like to send out an company-wide apology on behalf of members of the Electrical staff. During last weeks power failure, many of the overhead lights in the hallways were mistakenly replaced with UV lamps. This has caused many employees to burn severely. Until we can correctly fix the situation, we will be handing out free sunblock at the front desk. As a reminder, HR would like to point out that the "premium" medical package covers third-degree burns.
Memo #175, 03-17-2005: Please steer clear of section 6A on floor 3. One of our engineers has turned his office into a fort and is taking pot shots at anyone wandering into "his territory." We have determined that this territory includes break room #8 and parts of Marketing. We have diverted members of Security to look into the matter. We would like to point out PNC Policy #348 that specifically states that any handgun brought into the building must be of .22 caliber or below. As a precaution, we have once again upped the office terror level to Orange. All employees are thanked for their cooperation in this matter.
Memo #176, 03-21-2005: For those employees looking for some good news, we are pleased to announce that a scheduled visit from the Almighty himself, Jesus, will be occurring tomorrow at noon. Worshipers are weclome to gawk as he tours the building. Please refrain from falling in front of him and kissing his feet, both for his and your health and safety. Water will be served in the main lobby in the hopes that Jesus can convert it into a tasty treat for us all to share.
Memo #177, 03-22-2005: It is with regret that we must make mention that our previously announced Jesus vistor turned out to be an imposter, a homeless man in dishevled clothing. He was able to steal some employee paychecks and a bag of potato chips before making a daring escape from the building. This was accomplished by walking right out the front door. If you are one of the employees affected by this paycheck theft, we would like to remind you that nothing in life is guaranteed and we hope that you have been properly budgeting your money.
Memo #178, 04-02-2005: In order to make the best of a bad situation, members of our advanced security team have kidnapped Muffinbran from Research and will be using him to invade the fort located on floor 3. He will be wearing lightly padded armor fitted with a camera. All employees are encouraged to stop by the betting cage on the first floor to check out the odds and place wagers. Proceeds will be used to purchase a clown.
Memo #179, 04-05-2005: The elevator serving the archives department in Building #3 is currently out of order. There have been reports of people disappearing during it's use. We would like to encourage all employees to use the stairs during the repair process. Additionally, we ask that employees ignore the ominous red glow and strange noises eminating from the shaft. This is entirely normal elevator shaft operation and should not be confused with having anything to do with employees disappearing. We apologize for any confusion this may cause.
Memo #180, 04-06-2005: As a reminder to all employees, while there is no specific PNC policy prohibiting such, it is recommended that you do not attempt to run a franchise restaurant out of your office. While we regret that the new cafeteria is still not operational, some employees find the smell of cooking animal flesh distracting and your boss would like to remind you that you probably have other work to do. Personal whiskey distilleries are still considered ok as long as the kickbacks keep reaching the right people. Please see HR if you are interested in discussing a change of your current job responsibilities or if you are interested in getting fired.
You have reached the end of all current updates. Please remember to check back frequently in order to catch up on all available information.
Welcome to the P.Net Corporation (PNC) Information Center. This service is set up to provide both new and old employees with a comprehensive collection of memos and company announcements to ensure that everyone is up to speed and operating efficiently. It appears that this is your second visit to the Information Center.
You can find one previous update, 157-169, here.
Please take the time to read all updates in full as they contain pertinent information which may get you fired if not adhered to. PNC again thanks you for your continued cooperation.
Memo #170, 02-12-2005: The Receiving department has informed us that a horse was mishandled and mistakenly delivered to Research Building #11. There have been a few reports of it roaming the halls and snacking on sugar cubes from the various break rooms. While we don't anticipate danger to any employee, it is encourged that you do not approach this horse and inform Security immediately. We will be shutting down all break rooms in the area and have raised the office terror level to yellow for the time being.
Memo #171, 02-15-2005: Effective immediately, it should be noted by all employees that we will be renaming the PNC Daycare Center to the PNC ChildCare Center. We felt it was misleading to some employees that we only cared about their children during the daytime. In order to better serve you, the PNCCCC has been relocated to floor #3, next to the broom closet. The rooms are not labeled but it should be pretty obvious which is which. One room has a bunch of wooden, lifeless objects in it and the other contains brooms.
Memo #172, 02-25-2005: In order to comply with a recent lawsuit settlement, we have been forced to hire a number of midgets on as staff members. They should be treated as any new employee would, which is to say feel free to push them down stairs and steal food from them whenever possible. Additionally, we would appreciate the cooperation of all employees in not calling them "half pints", "tiny tots", or "wee things" and stick the more politically correct term of "dramatically undersized yet anatomically correct bundle of joy."
Memo #173, 03-03-2005: It has come to our attention that members of the Research staff in Building #11 are refusing to hand over the horse to Security, whom they have nicknamed Muffinbran. At this time, we would like to remind all employees that pets in the office are strictly prohibited and corrective administrative action will be taken unless this situation is remedied.
Memo #174, 03-10-2005: We would like to send out an company-wide apology on behalf of members of the Electrical staff. During last weeks power failure, many of the overhead lights in the hallways were mistakenly replaced with UV lamps. This has caused many employees to burn severely. Until we can correctly fix the situation, we will be handing out free sunblock at the front desk. As a reminder, HR would like to point out that the "premium" medical package covers third-degree burns.
Memo #175, 03-17-2005: Please steer clear of section 6A on floor 3. One of our engineers has turned his office into a fort and is taking pot shots at anyone wandering into "his territory." We have determined that this territory includes break room #8 and parts of Marketing. We have diverted members of Security to look into the matter. We would like to point out PNC Policy #348 that specifically states that any handgun brought into the building must be of .22 caliber or below. As a precaution, we have once again upped the office terror level to Orange. All employees are thanked for their cooperation in this matter.
Memo #176, 03-21-2005: For those employees looking for some good news, we are pleased to announce that a scheduled visit from the Almighty himself, Jesus, will be occurring tomorrow at noon. Worshipers are weclome to gawk as he tours the building. Please refrain from falling in front of him and kissing his feet, both for his and your health and safety. Water will be served in the main lobby in the hopes that Jesus can convert it into a tasty treat for us all to share.
Memo #177, 03-22-2005: It is with regret that we must make mention that our previously announced Jesus vistor turned out to be an imposter, a homeless man in dishevled clothing. He was able to steal some employee paychecks and a bag of potato chips before making a daring escape from the building. This was accomplished by walking right out the front door. If you are one of the employees affected by this paycheck theft, we would like to remind you that nothing in life is guaranteed and we hope that you have been properly budgeting your money.
Memo #178, 04-02-2005: In order to make the best of a bad situation, members of our advanced security team have kidnapped Muffinbran from Research and will be using him to invade the fort located on floor 3. He will be wearing lightly padded armor fitted with a camera. All employees are encouraged to stop by the betting cage on the first floor to check out the odds and place wagers. Proceeds will be used to purchase a clown.
Memo #179, 04-05-2005: The elevator serving the archives department in Building #3 is currently out of order. There have been reports of people disappearing during it's use. We would like to encourage all employees to use the stairs during the repair process. Additionally, we ask that employees ignore the ominous red glow and strange noises eminating from the shaft. This is entirely normal elevator shaft operation and should not be confused with having anything to do with employees disappearing. We apologize for any confusion this may cause.
Memo #180, 04-06-2005: As a reminder to all employees, while there is no specific PNC policy prohibiting such, it is recommended that you do not attempt to run a franchise restaurant out of your office. While we regret that the new cafeteria is still not operational, some employees find the smell of cooking animal flesh distracting and your boss would like to remind you that you probably have other work to do. Personal whiskey distilleries are still considered ok as long as the kickbacks keep reaching the right people. Please see HR if you are interested in discussing a change of your current job responsibilities or if you are interested in getting fired.
You have reached the end of all current updates. Please remember to check back frequently in order to catch up on all available information.
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