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| 12.29.2005 - Deconstructing Ice #1 | 1:29 PM | | Author: Skip Walker (skipwalkerlives@pollestad.net) | Score 0/5 (0 Votes) |
| When I was in Japan last month on tour defending my Ultra Heavyweight Wrestling Championship belt against Godzilla, I came across a couple of tough street youth-types during my travels. These kids were from what they called "the hood" and when I asked what they did all day, they mentioned something about "reppin' the streets and holding the block down." I thought that was mighty noble of them and then began to question whether or not they had gravity in the poor sectors of Japan. That's the only reason I could see for needing to hold one's block down all day long.
Still, despite our language barrier and other insurmountable obstacles such as height, weight, and the fact that I have three arms, we managed to get along rather well. These youths took me under their wing and before I knew it, I was "slangin' cane" like a pro! I also learned that it's hard "rep your city" without at least a passing knowledge of rap music. I learned all about the likes of Young MC, MC Hammer, and Digital Underground. Things were fresh and dope and pretty much everyone replied with "Word up!" to whatever you said. There was some scratching and kids were breaking it down where ever you looked. I even went out and bought me a nice four-finger ring and something the kids called a "gold rope" in order to better help me fit in.
Flash forward thirty days and imagine my shock when I realized that those crazy Japanese kids were about twenty years behind the popularity curve. MC Hammer is bankrupt, Young MC isn't quite so young anymore, and Digital Underground lost one of their best backup dancers when he was bitten by a mosquito and transformed into Tupac. Never one to be caught out of the loop, I decided to hit my local library and find out what I had missed during the past twenty years of rap history. Unfortunately, I contracted a severe case of ADD and didn't have the time or patience to get much past 1990. Much to my relief, this is ok because one of the most prolific rap songs ever made came out in the year of 1990. I'm talking about "Ice Ice Baby" by master hitmaker Vanilla Ice, who only happens to be the third most successful white rapper of all time. He is topped only by the guy from 3rd Base and that one guy from the Fat Boys who always carried around the boombox.
Sadly, while most of the known universe heard, danced, and owned a copy of "Ice Ice Baby," very few people have ever taken the time to really sit down and figure out what it all means. I have, and I am here to share my results with you. Please note that my findings may shock those who are of a weak heart. Additionally, if you're mormon, you too will probably be shocked, but likely for other reasons. So, without further ado, I present you part one of the deconstruction of the rap mgea-hit Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.
Verse One
"All right stop, collaborate and listen"
Ice starts out his magnum opus with force, letting you know that he is the one in control here. As with most rappers, he's telling you what to do; in this case, that you need to stop whatever you are doing and work on listening with any people in your immediate vicinity. This is a common theme found throughout late 80's/early 90's rap music, evidenced by the opening line of "The Humpty Dance" by Digital Undergound which begins "Alright stop what you're doing." Apparently it was very important that you not be doing anything else while listening to these songs and, in Ice's case, it's best if you don't listen alone. You might need the moral support.
"Ice is back with my brand new invention"
Here, Ice does what is typical of the white American male, which is to claim credit for something he had no part in making. One can infer that Ice is referring to rap music as his invention, which would be false, but it's entirely plausible that Ice is reffering to some other invention he created. However, if the latter is the case, he goes into no further detail as to what that invention is. Perhaps the patent arrangements fell through.
"Something grabs a hold of me tightly"
Ok, really, this doesn't make any sense, even to a great literary scholar such as myself. After speaking briefly about his invention, he jumps straight into something holding him tightly. Now, this could be a reference to a straight jacket or perhaps a mother's nurturing hug, but, again, he fails to elaborate on what exactly is holding him tightly.
"Then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly"
Harpoons flow? Perhaps he is trying to allude to us that he doesn't flow very well, which may be why he compared his flow to that of a harpoon. If anything, harpoons sail. Maybe it was his life-long dream to become a sail boat captain but his parents forced him into this damn "rap thing" and this is simply his way of rebelling. Whatever the case, he makes sure to point out that he does it both daily and nightly, which is 24 hours a day, and that makes me wonder when he has the time to sleep. Even imaginary sail boat captains need sleep.
"Will it ever stop? Yo -- I don't know"
Mr. Ice asks the eternal question that we've all been asking ourselves. Unfortunately, he is unable to provide much beyond a less than satisfactory answer. Also, at this point you begin to notice a trend in the lyrics to this song: Vanilla tends to jump from one topic to another seemingly without care or concern for the people that he demanded stop and listen to him. Perhaps that is why he asked us all to collaborate, because it'll take a group of us to keep pace as he continues to change topics more often than a doctor changes rubber gloves. I'm still left unfulfilled because I often wish to know what happened to the harpoon mentioned above.
"Turn off the lights and I'll glow"
I don't know about you but I don't think that this could possibly be a good thing. Perhaps he was exposed to radiation as a child or something. Either way, I can imagine that people in the early 1990's invited Vanilla to parties not because of his musical talents but because he made a good table decoration.
"To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal"
Vanilla is letting you know here that he's is not just normal, he is extreme. Extreme like Right Guard. Unfortunately, I am not sure how one can rock a mic like a vandal. Vandals were members of a Germanic people that overran Gaul, Spain and sacked Rome in 455. I'm not sure that they even had microphones back then. But that's just how deep Vanilla gets. He gives you a history lesson while he's rapping to you. White rap forever!
"Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle."
What I believe he is trying to say here is that he will take the competition and continually dip them in hot wax until they form into a candle-like state at which point he would then light them on fire in order to provide stage lighting for his show. How very inventive of him. He's conserving electricity and cutting power costs at the same time. And they say rap people are usless. He's an environmentalist for Christ's sake. Of course, if he's not referring to that, than I have no idea what he is saying with that line.
"Dance, bum rush the speaker that booms"
Now, for those who are not hip to the lingo, a "bum rush" is a means of attacking someone or something (usually by a group) with the reckless abandon and fervor of one who has nothing to lose. So, apparently, even though you've already stopped and gathered a group friends together to listen, you've now been directed to gather those same friends and dance while at the same time attacking the speaker that booms. Hopefully this speaker is not a friend's speaker or the speaker of someone you know personally because it may be damaged during all the dancing and bum rushing. If are you are alone and/or not good at dancing, you are not allowed past this point in the song and you can only return when you are able to follow all the directions properly.
"I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom"
There are many kinds of poisonous mushrooms out in the wild with names such as Amanitas, False Morels, Jack-O'-Lantern, and Green-spored Lepiota. Vanilla Ice is saying that he is a lot like these types of mushrooms. Therefore, you should not confuse Vanilla Ice with those types of mushrooms which are non-poisonous (or edible) such as Puffballs, Shaggy Mane, or Coral Fungi because he is nothing like those.
"Deadly, when I play a dope melody"
And lo! Beware when Vanilla decides to play a dope melody because he might be deadly. I believe I once saw an episode of the Crocodile Hunter when he came across Vanilla Ice when he was playing a dope melody. Let's just say that it almost didn't turn out well for Steve Irwin. Vanilla Ice is not as strong or as wily as Steve Irwin.
"Anything less than the best is a felony"
Thankfully, this isn't true, or the people who shop at Walmart religiously would be in jail. Actually, come to think of it, the people who do shop at Walmart religiously should be in jail. Vanilla Ice was merely a pioneer that was ahead of his time in this regard.
"Love it or leave it, you better gain way"
Basically, what he is saying here is that on the surface, you have two choices: you can love it or leave it. However, it doesn't really matter which one you choose because you only have one real choice which is to gain way. Apparently Vanilla Ice never read any of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. So, depending on what "it" is, you may want to either love it or leave it but, in the end, you had better just make sure that you gain way or else you may face some time in the penalty box of death.
"You better hit bull's eye, the kid don't play"
Again with the changing of topics on the fly. I think this may be a follow-up reference to the harpoon mentioned above but I can't be sure. Decoding Ice's lyrics is sometimes akin to trying to make heads or tails of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. In other words, there is a lot of guess work involved. Still, he makes his point clear. He was never allowed outside during recess because he was such a bad-ass in school and if you ever want to challenge him, make sure that there is some kind of bull's eye target around so that you may have some chance at winning.
"If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it"
Switching gears from his "I'm a deadly poisonous harpoon mushroom" thing, Ice spends the last remaining bar showing us his softer side. He's reaching out to the neighborhood where he grew up, showing them that they can be anything they want to be. In Vanilla's case, he opted to become a private detective and is willing to lend a hand to anyone that needs help. For example, if your bird ran away or your pet cat is in a tree, be sure to call on Vanilla Ice because he can solve the problem with minimal effort.
"Check out the hook while my dj revolves it"
Hook? Possibly another allusion to the mythical harpoon? Sadly, no. A hook, for the uninitated, is a slang term sometimes used by superstar rappers to describe the chorus of the song. Here, Ice is letting us know that we can contemplate all of our problems while his DJ revolves "it" for a while. In my opinion, this is a very well placed "hook", since it allows the listener time to meditate on his or her problems for a number of bars without missing anything crucial to the song. Then, whenever such a problem is discovered, you can simply relay that back to Vanilla Ice and he will solve it for you.
Unfortunately, that is all the time and space that we have available today. Be sure to stay tuned for part two of this on-going series as we unravel the mystery that is Ice Ice Baby. Verse two is coming up next. |
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| 05.17.2006 - Deconstructing Ice #2 | 9:57 AM | | Author: Skip Walker (skipwalkerlives@pollestad.net) | Score 5/5 (1 Votes) |
| Today we continue with part one of the next installment of our in-depth coverage and investigation into what can only be described as the epitome of rap music. It's all downhill after this, folks. To recap part one, in case you decided to be cool and jump straight to part two without bothering to read the original, Ice was all over the place. He went from giving orders, to making candles, to talking about a harpoon. God does he love that harpoon. As promised, here is a look at verse two from the hit single, "Ice Ice Baby."
(Note that this verse is really, really long. Like porn star long. I have split it up and will be posting the second part of part two at another time.)
Verse Two (Part One)
"Now that the party is jumping"
Every few years, a fad or trend comes along that people blindly follow to death before it dies out and is never heard from again. In early 1990's, jumping was considered cool. Kris Kross made "Jump" and House of Pain had us "jumping around." In fact, unless you had someone at your party that was jumping, it's quite likely that no one would be talking about how "dope" it was the next day. Here, Vanilla begins verse two under the assumption that, by now, especially having heard verse one, someone (if not the entire party) is likely jumping. You may find one person that looks like he is jumping but, when questioned, it turns out that he is a basketball player and is only trying to see if he can touch the ceiling. He's testing his "hops."
"With the bass kicked in, the vegas are pumpin'"
Remember that speaker bum rush back in verse one? Yeah, that's where your bass got kicked in. Thankfully, your speakers still work despite the beating and now the vegas are pumping. Which is a good thing in case you didn't know. And it's not "vegas" like Las Vegas, but more like "vega" and plural. Vegas are small, midget-like creatures who are made of milk. Come on folks, this is common knowledge.
"Quick to the point, to the point no faking"
If Vanilla really was serious about being quick to the point, this song would only have one verse and not three. I call bullshit. Either that or he is talking about how poorly he performs in bed. Does Vanilla Ice take cold showers? You know, to keep himself playing the part for being cool as ice? What if it's a warm summer day? Does he melt? Crap, I think my brain just exploded.
"I'm cooking mcs like a pound of bacon"
If you are an MC, beware. Vanilla Ice may cook you like bacon, which is to say that he may either use a frying pan or perhaps wrap you in a paper towel and put you in the microwave. High, 45 seconds. You really just don't know with this guy. He has so many verbal weapons, not to mention ways to cook bacon, that if you ever find yourself in a head-to-head rap battle, it's over with before you know it. I imagine that the people in Vanilla's crew get a little tired of eating bacon night after night, what with all the winning he does. It surely can't be good for their cholesterol level. He could just go and buy that pre-cooked bacon. Then he wouldn't have to waste all that time cooking it.
"Burning them if theyre not quick and nimble"
Watch out. Vanilla will turn the stove on and just leave you cooking if you're not fast and agile. It's not that Vanilla Ice doesn't care; he just doesn't care about you. When the best thing you get from Vanilla is bacon-themed metaphor, you know you're not high on his priority list.
"I go crazy when I hear a cymbal"
I once thought that a cymbal was street slang for injesting PCP, at which point I also used to go crazy whenever I "heard" a "cymbal." But after doing extensive research on the internet, I found out that a cymbal is actually a percussion instrument and is not edible. It took me quite a while to wonder why Vanilla would go crazy over a percussion instrument. Maybe he had a strange phobia about brass plates or perhaps a deep-seeded hatred for anything that you can hit with a drumstick. More likely, however, is that Ice simply was exposed to a retard or two in his elementary music class and those retards always got to play the percussion instruments. They sit there all day, banging away nonsensically, causing non-stop racket. Yeah, I think I'd go a little crazy too.
"And a hi hat with a souped up tempo"
Did you know that "souped" isn't even a word? Sure, we all know what it means to have something "souped up" but you at least expect some proper grammar from the greatest white rapper ever. So he likes his tempo with a little chicken noodle. I guess that never hurt anyone.
"I’m on a roll and it’s time to go solo"
As I mentioned previously, if you've been following along thus far, you'll know that Vanilla changes topics more often than elderly people change their diapers. The last few lines have been pretty non-sensical and merely consist of Ice talking about how much he really likes music. However, he's letting you know now that he doesn't just like music, he likes music only when he is standing on bread all by himself. I'm not sure why he would be standing on a roll, or what the symbology means, but he's definitely using it as a vehicle to distance himself from you and everyone else he knows. Additionally, while I am not aware of Vanilla Ice ever teaming up with anybody but the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, he's making it clear to you that he rides solo, perhaps on a vehicle made of bread or some other doughy concoction.
"Rollin’ in my 5.0"
Continuing his his newly started tradition of bread metaphors, here Ice advances us with a bit more insight into his mystery. From the sounds of it, sure, he might have made it big as a successful white rapper but, deep down inside, all he ever wanted to be was a baker; to spend his life rolling dough 5 times or perhaps during an earthquake with a 5.0 magnitude. Honestly, I don't know. White people can be so confusing.
"With my rag-top down so my hair can blow"
The dictionary defines "rag-top" as slang for "a convertible automobile" which, I guess, is something like a transformer. Remember that guy Optimus Prime? He was a big robot who could turn into a semi truck whenever it suited him. Ice is a lot like that. He changes from an automobile into the greatest rapper of all time. He's not doing it for you; he's doing it because he really likes music and he wants his hair to blow while he tells you all about it. He also plays the harpsicord but that's only when he's alone.
"The girlies on standby waving just to say hi"
Here is where Ice really gets to let his remedial education shine through. I mean, I'm no IQ record holder myself, but I'm trying to wrap my mind around what else someone waving at you could possibly mean aside from "hi." Unless they were some kind of model-for-hire, paid for by some rich billionaire tycoon to stand on a street corner and wave because he has a perverse fetish. Ok, there is also the scenario where someone might be dead or seriously injured and they would be waving as a means to try and flag you down. Maybe you could get help or something. I guess Lassie has the day off. Whatever. The point is that in the early 90's, girls would routinely stand by and use their hands to communicate the fact that they wanted to say hi. Vocalizing or otherwise conveying the fact that you wanted to say hi was simply not an option back then.
"Did you stop no I just drove by"
To the casual listener, one who simply is unable to comprehend Ice's greatness as a poetic master, you might begin to question why Vanilla Ice would simply keep driving after loads of potentially gorgeous women were waving just to say hi. They were obviously interested, right? Well, maybe he was in a hurry or something. Maybe he had just poured a bowl of cereal for breakfast and realized that he had no milk so he was running to the store to get some more. Vanilla Ice is a machine. Vanilla Ice is infallible. You question his motives because you simply can't wrap your mind around how great he is. Vanilla passed these ladies up for a reason that your simple brain simply can't process. Either that or he's gay. Take your pick.
"Kept on pursuing to the next stop"
Roughly translated into uptight white people speak, this line simply states that Vanilla Ice kept driving after he passed the women on the corner, the same women who may or may not have been waving for reasons other than to say hi. He may have driven up to one mile or less, depending on how the stoplights are arranged in Miami. I haven't been there and the city planner isn't returning my calls.
"I busted a left and I'm heading to the next block"
Vanilla Ice is a lover, not a fighter, despite the fact that he opted not to pick up the ladies on the corner. Perhaps they were hookers. Ice is above paying for sex. Anyway, the term "busted a left" has nothing to do with boxing or fighting, which is exactly what stupid people think it means. Despite the fact that he has his rag-top down so his hair can blow, I am quite sure that during this driving interlude, Vanilla is wearing his seatbelt and obeying all of the local traffic laws. I'm sure that he is driving the speed limit and using his turn signals whenever he needs to bust a left. Of course, he probably does the same thing when he busts a right except, you know, he uses the other turn signal.
"The block was dead"
Yeah, Ice, I bet you're kind of regretting not picking up those women a few blocks back, huh? I mean, here you are, traveling a number of city blocks and what does it get you? Now the block is dead. (Note that this doesn't mean that there are all kinds of dead people around or that there is a cemetary here. Urban people like to take words and bring new meaning to them. Really, just try and follow along.) You could have been having fun a few blocks back but nooooo, you had to pass them up so that your hair can blow a little more. Now you've got a dead block and messed up hair. This is a fine pickle you've gotten yourself into, Ice.
"Yo so I continued to A1A Beachfront Avenue"
Finally! A destination and an end to this driving nonsense. I tried to find Beachfront Avenue on Mapquest and got nothing. I'm not sure if it really exists. Perhaps this is some kind of big joke that Ice is playing on everyone. Or perhaps he's on acid and really thinks that he is there. I can only hope that this mythical Beachfront Ave is worth passing up the girlies and driving through all the dead blocks to get to. Like some kind of holy promised land or something. A promised land filled with eagles and leprechauns, working in unison to overthrow the fascist regime. Oh, and they have brownies there, too. Really good ones, like with a carmel swirl or something in the middle. I'd like to think that Beachfront Avenue really is like that. And it is... in my mind.
And that's that. Bacon and driving, that's what Ice is all about. Do you think he eats bacon while driving? I mean, that's kind of dangerous when you think about it. Maybe that's why he didn't want to stop and pick up those chicks. They would have eaten all of his bacon and he was damn hungry. Do you think he has some kind of gadget in his dashboard that cooks the bacon for him? Like some kind of futuristic Jetson-style appliance? That would be sweet. In my next car, instead of a glove compartment, I am going to install a George Foreman grill. Aside from all the delicious bacon that I can cook up during rush hour, should I ever get pulled over, when the cop asks me for the registration I can just pull out some bacon and give it to him. He'd probably only let me off with a warning after that. I mean, who doesn't like bacon? Communists don't like bacon. You're not a commie, are you? |
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| 11.27.2006 - Deconstructing Ice #2.5 | 3:14 PM | | Author: Skip Walker (skipwalkerlives@pollestad.net) | Score 5/5 (2 Votes) |
| Read Verse One
Read Verse Two (Part One)
Hello ladies and gentlemen. Much to my regret, it has been quite
some time since we last stopped, collaborated, and revisited this topic.
For the uninitiated, while on a pilgrimage to Myanmar late last
year to help overthrow a fascist regime of locusts, I came across some
ancient scrolls containing the lyrics to the long-forgotten masterpiece
"Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice. While the song itself was a hit
and, sadly, fooled millions of white people into thinking that they
could rap, much of the song's magic was ultimately never fully appreciated.
This is largely due to the fact that most people are idiots.
Oh, sure, I bet you were doing the running man in your sequined outfit
just like the rest of us, but I bet you never stopped to really try and
understand what the song meant nor what was going on through the
lyrical master's head when he wrote it. I did, and it became my
quest to spell out in laymans terms just what you've been missing all
of these years and the spiritual enlightenment that comes with it.
Sadly, this journey has not been a short one. It has taken
me almost a full year to get this far and I am only 2/3rds of the way
through. However, there are some very valid reasons for this.
I have thus far covered the first verse in it's entirety and last brought
you the first half of the extremely lengthly second verse back in May.
While there is certainly no bad part of this masterpiece, the action
that is "Ice Ice Baby" does slow down during the remainder of the second
verse. You see, just as Shakespeare had his "The Two Noble Kinsmen"
and 007 had his 1967 Casino Royale, so to does Vanilla have his moment
when he's not at his best. However, it should be noted that Vanilla
not at his best is still three times as good as Jesus in his prime.
Since I have made decoding this masterpiece a priority, I wanted
to make sure that I got it right the first time regardless of how tough
the text was to decipher. So, without further ado, I give you
the finish of Act II of the brilliance that is "Ice Ice Baby."
I still dress like this.
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Verse Two (Part Two)
"Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis"
When we last left Vanilla Ice, he had just arrived at his next destination,
namely A1A Beachfront Avenue, after a lengthy driving adventure that
was pretty much uneventful. Now, while I was unable to actually
find Beachfront Avenue on any map of Florida, that's not to say that
it didn't actually exist. Ice is a lot smarter than us and this
was the 90's. Maybe some kind of hurricane or something carried it
off out to sea just like Atlantis. In the end, it matters little
for who are we to judge whether Ice was really there or not. Maybe
he ate some bad jello or something and was on some kind of acid trip.
Regardless, proving his worth as a literary genius, he wastes no
time in describing to his audience exactly what the scene was like over
there on Beachfront Avenue. Apparently, it was hot. I mean
really hot. It was so hot that people opted to break all kinds of
decency laws and wear less than the required amount of clothing.
The girls in question may have in fact been sweating because they
were so hot but in typical Ice fashion, he pretty much ignores the women
after this and never mentions them again. You can draw you own
conclusions about his preference.
"Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis"
Now, I am not the first scholar to have studied these texts and I likely
won't be the last. However, there is one thing that everyone can
agree on: no one knows what the hell this line is supposed to say. The
above translation is pretty much the accepted verbage but it doesn't
really clarify anything. When pressed for an answer, even Vanilla Ice
refused to clear the air about it, opting only to say "I don't even like
rap music" which actually explains a lot. Doing any kind of internet
search for "rockman" only leads to numerous Nintendo fan sites because
there was apparently some Japanese video game character named Rockman.
If you ask me, it sounds more like a queer idea for a comic
book character than anything. Oh, look at me! I'm Rockman! I can, well,
lift rocks! Still, despite all the confusion surrounding this line,
Ice still manages to grab major points from the judges by being the only
rapper in recorded history to actually rhyme the word "lamborghini."
It's complexity is the primary reason why hip-hop as a whole has
stuck with more conventional car names like Bentley and Escalade.
Even when Ice fails, he wins.
"Jealous 'cause I'm out getting mine"
It's hard to know precisely who Ice is claiming is jealous of him or what
exactly he's out getting. If you've followed the plotline that he's
laid down in verse two, he's basically just done a lot of driving around
alone in his 5.0, while there is apparently no small shortage of people
driving better cars than he is and plenty of girls who won't give him the
time of day. Ok, I suppose if you were wheelchair-bound or maybe
blind, you might be jealous of Ice because of his mobility or the fact
that he can at least see all of the girls that he isn't getting, but
aside from that, I've known keggers at retirement homes that have more
action than Ice has described thus far. Frankly Ice, you can have
yours. I don't want it.
"Shay with a guage and Vanilla with a nine"
Despite my aforementioned adoration for Ice and his genius, you really do
have to take the things that he says with a grain of salt. You
see, while Shay is his deejay and I'm sure they went on tour a lot
together, Ice made it quite clear earlier in the verse that he was
rolling solo and neglected to mention any stop where he may have dropped
by Shay's house and picked him up. Now, maybe Shay was already
down on Beachfront Avenue hanging out and Ice just happened to run into
him. Convenient, of course, that they would both be carrying guns.
I can't count the amount of times that I have gone down to the
beach and, in addition to packing my sunscreen and beachball, I made sure
to also grab my shotgun. Such things can be so important when
building sand castles. Of course, since it's possible that
Beachfront Avenue doesn't exist, maybe this whole encounter is a fictional
work by Miami's greatest poet. If that's the case, I suppose we
can lend Ice some leeway here in how he tells the story. Or maybe
Shay is really just Ice's imaginary friend and he's been with him the
whole time. I wonder if it's legal to carpool with an imaginary
friend.
"Ready for the chumps on the wall"
The scene started out so peacefully with Japanese video game characters
driving cars and really hot girls who may or may not have been sweating
but, as with any tale, danger is never far away. You see, somewhere
along Beachfront Avenue is a wall and apparently this wall attracts a lot
of chumps. Ice, in his infinite wisdom, knows full well where this
wall is and is quite prepared for facing such chumps when he passes by
this wall. We are not sure of the number of chumps along
this particular wall since Ice doesn't give us any raw data but we can
be assured that with all the firepower that he and his "friend" Shay
have, they're entirely ready to deal with whatever threat these chumps
pose.
Possibly how the chumps on the wall may have looked.
| | |
"The chumps acting ill because they're full of eight ball"
Now, you may be telling yourself, of course they're feeling sick if
they are standing around eating billiard balls but then I would be
standing right next to you telling you that you're wrong. You
see, here Ice takes the opportunity to inject some slang words into
the mix, ensuring that he keeps his audience on their toes. In
thise case, "eight ball" has nothing to do with the game of billiards
but instead refers to Olde English 800, which many street hoodlums
referred to as "8 ball." Commonly served in 40 oz bottles, this
rare liquor was quite adept at getting one "tore up from the floor
up" and would provide an immediate explanation as to why said chumps
were "ill" if they consumed too much. Of course, it also
explains why the chumps were on the wall in the first place as it's
likely that they were unable to stand without falling over. Don't
people know that being drunk in public is a crime? Such rampant
disregard for the law is why I could never live in Miami.
"Gunshots rang out like a bell"
It's unfortunate that Ice chooses to go with brevity here for he never
explains who was doing the shooting or why they started shooting.
Presumably this is because Vanilla Ice ain't no snitch. If
it was the "ill chumps" that Ice had been previously talking about, why
did they suddenly start shooting and at who? Were they shooting
at Ice because they felt threatened by his mysterious ways? Did
they think that due to his lyrical nature, he might be forming humilating
rhymes about them to tell at a later date? It seems that we'll
never know. Lastly, why do their guns sound like musical
instruments? If bells were weapons, a church choir would be a
dangerous foe indeed.
"I grabbed my nine all I heard were shells"
I'm not going to sit here and call Ice a liar -- I'm just saying that he
tends to be overly contradictory. You see, a mere five lines back,
Ice already told us that he had his nine but after apparently hearing
gunshots, he goes to then grab his nine again. Secondly, he says
that all he can hear is shells, but he just got done telling us all about
how he heard gunshots and bells. I mean, really, if there were
any gunshots, he'd still be hearing echos and probably people screaming,
not some serene John Woo scene where everything goes quiet and then maybe
some doves fly by. Stupid doves always getting in the middle of
gunfights. Anyway, I'm not sure why Vanilla feels the need to constantly
mislead his listeners and the thought that he might actually be lying makes
me feel nearly as sick as the 8 ball chumps back on the wall who possibly
fired shots almost maybe in the directiion of Vanilla Ice perhaps.
Also beware of falling shells.
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"Falling on the concrete real fast"
While it's quite possible that in the heat of the moment, our eyes and brain
do play tricks on us, it's become quite obvious after hearing this line that
Vanilla skipped most of his science classes in high school. Had he
attended, he would know all about the laws of gravity and know that everything
falls at the same speed. The idea that these shells were somehow falling
"real fast" is a slap in the face of every learned professor everywhere.
Of course, since it's become Ice's trademark to leave out little bits
and pieces of the story, it's entirely possible that he somehow jumped through
some kind of space/time warp and now maybe things like shells do fall real
fast. I wouldn't put it past Ice to have invented time travel also.
"Jumped in my car slammed on the gas"
Up until this point, if you've been following along, it has been presumed
that The Notorious I.C.E was still rolling solo in his 5.0, especially since
he never told us that he got out of the car. Granted, when one arrives
at their intended destination -- Beachfront Avenue in this case -- they
generally park and disembark but you can never assume anything when it comes
to Ice's tales. As such, assuming he did get out of his car at some
point, I as a listener feel a little jilted that he left out something so
vital to the story. For example, it would explain how he ran into
his friend Shay and how he perhaps pissed off the chumps on the wall.
Maybe they were playing marbles or something and Ice came along and
wasn't paying attention so he accidentally kicked one of the marbles and
screwed up the whole game. That's something worth shooting over if
you ask me. On the other hand, if Ice never left his car, it does
beg the question as to why he would be jumping around in his car, especially
if it's moving. Not only is that against the law, it's just dangerous.
Like some form of perverse reverse ghost riding.
"Bumper to bumper the avenue's packed"
As has been demonstrated over the course of this song, especially if you
take Ice's jumping around while driving into account, Ice isn't exactly
concerned with following traffic laws and the safety of others. Not
only is Ice jumping around in his car, but he's slamming on the gas
despite the avenue clearly having a heavy traffic flow. The cars
are obviously bumper to bumper and there is Ice jumping around and gunning
his engine. Heck, he's probably causing rear-enders left and right
with his reckless behavior. Ice, don't you think the other motorists
would like to get away from the gunshots same as you? You're not
going to get away any faster by being an asshole.
"I'm trying to get away before the jackers jack"
Well, duh, Ice. So is everyone else. Why do you think that
there was traffic in the first place? Honestly though, maybe Ice
shouldn't be so full of himself. Now, while I still don't know what
a rockman is, at least they were driving Lamborghinis. You? You're
driving a 5.0. Granted, you have a ragtop (so that your hair can blow)
but let's be honest: that's not really increasing your resale value that
much. Of course, it's entirely possible that Ice isn't being urban
at all here. Perhaps he accidentally parked himself outside of an
adult video store and there are some people soliciting handjobs for a few
dollars. Maybe he's just trying to escape that. I know I would,
unless they had soft hands.
"Police on the scene you know what I mean"
Oh yeah, Ice, I know what you mean. You see, I've been involved in
some street altercations myself over the years and while some cops tend
to have slower response times to certain neighborhoods, they will no
doubt arrive on the scene eventually. Especially if someone is
jumping around in their car like a strung out meth addict and revving the
engine while outside of an adult store. Also, there may be some people
who are upset at their marble game may or may not be shooting in your direction.
So, I definitely know what you mean, brother. Still, I'm
not saying that you made this up or anything but I think saw this same thing
on Cops once.
"They passed me up confronted all the dope fiends"
You know, that's just typical of you rap types. Always talking about
how the police roughed you up and treated you unfairly. Maybe they
pulled you over for no reason or maybe harrassed you while you were standing
peacefully in line. No, there is no way that they would have suspected
you of being high, trafficking drugs, or perhaps raping a... wait, what's
that you said? The police passed you up? You mean they left you
alone while continuing to harrass others? Why, that's a miracle!
Oh, wait, no it's not. Ice, I hate to break this to you but
you're white. Of course they passed you up. They likely had
some minorities to bust. Yes, I'm sure you were doing plenty of
illegal things but so were the minorities. Probably. And if
they weren't, doesn't it make you feel that much safer that the cops at
least checked them out? I mean, they COULD have been doing something
wrong. You never know. Because of their fine work, you live
to enjoy Beachfront Avenue another day.
"If there was a problem yo I'll solve it"
As I said earlier, I'm not one to call Ice a liar but I am going to have
to raise my hand and disagree here. You see, there were a number of
problems that just happened, Ice, and you failed to solve any of them.
Unless by using the term "solve" you meant to run in the opposite
direction and hope that you were swift enough to evade bullets and jackers
while the police cleaned everything up. If that's the case, fine work.
I will be sure to look you up next time I need any help in that
arena.
"Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it"
It's hard to say much about this line since Ice ends every verse in the song
the exact same way. However, as stated, it's nice that Ice can provide
a little more direction for the clueless listener. I mean, maybe this
is the first rap song that you ever heard and you have no idea what you're
supposed to do when the hook comes around. At least now you have some
idea. You check it out. Like at a library. His DJ will
revolve "it" while you check it out. Is the DJ revolving the hook? Or
does "it" refer to something else? Ice doesn't tell you because Ice
wants you to think for yourself. Ice wants you to fill in the blanks.
Ice wants you to be his police force on the scene after he's already
tried to get away. Help Ice get away. Not just this time but every
time.
At long last, we have finally reached the end of deconstructing the second verse
and that means that we are two-thirds done with the song. Thankfully, for
the third verse, Ice returns to doing what he does best, namely bragging about
himself and his rhymes. I'm not one to try and critique someone as great
as Ice but it's become plainly clear that that is what he does best and that
he should try and leave telling stories to people more adept at it than he.
Ice just has a tendency to tell really shitty stories which may or not
be true, but in doing so, he leaves out way too many details and the reader
just winds up confused. So, if you will, join me next time on the final
part of our journey through Ice's opus. |
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