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| 06.08.2007 - PNC Information Center - #5 | 2:31 PM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 0/5 (0 Votes) |
| Hello Employee #15294!
Welcome to the P.Net Corporation (PNC) Information Center. This
service is set up to provide both new and old employees with a
comprehensive collection of memos and important company announcements
to ensure that everyone is up to speed and operating efficiently. It
appears that this is your fifth visit to the Information Center.
We admire your dedication. Welcome back.
Please take the time to read all updates in full as they contain pertinent
information which may get you fired if not adhered to. And by
"fired" we mean "killed" because we really hate paying out unemployment.
PNC again thanks you for your continued cooperation in both
understanding and complying with the matters contained herein Contrary
to what you might think, today is not a good day to die.
Memo #720, 04-18-2007: We are proud to annouce the launch of the
official PNC "Help The Helpless" Charity Drive, now in it's fourth year
and this time without a court order! As a giant corporation who
cares about nothing but profit, we're always willing to lend a hand to
some of those retarded kids we hear about on the radio provided that it
doesn't cost us a dime! Hey, that's where you come in! Feel
free to bring in toys, food, or especially money any time
over the next week and help contribute to what some might consider a good
cause! As an added incentive, any employee that donates more than
$20 in goods will be granted permission to leave 30 minutes early from
work that day, and all you have to do is work through your lunch hour!
Memo #721, 04-21-2007: Due to an anonymous corporate complaint, we
regret to inform all employees that the use of fireworks indoors is no
longer permitted. Apparently some of the members of the marketing
department got a little too careless during their last display and a
bottle rocket was discharged into another employee's eye. Unwillingly.
Guess he didn't see that one coming. Management holds sacred
the ability for employees to feel comfortable reporting issues they find
around the workplace and would like to remind all employees that their
anonymity will be strictly upheld. At this time, management would like
to convey to all employees that in no way, shape, or form was HARVEY JEFFERSON,
OFFICE NUMBER 413, BLDG H the one responsible for ruining all of your fun.
Memo #722, 04-25-2007: Ed from janitorial filed this report: "Whoever
was using the handicapped stall in the men's restroom on floor three of
building G yesterday around 3:00pm, you broke it. Congrats. I
mean, seriously, what's the deal? You don't see me coming around to
your office and breaking your stuff. I could, you know. I have
the keys. If I find out who you are, be prepared to pay." It
should be noted that management has given Ed full permission to carry out
his investigation and, should he find out who did it, full permission to
"break yo' stuff." Please note company policy #4174B regarding the
company not replacing stuff that the janitor breaks prior to whining to
management.
Memo #723, 04-28-2007: We have received numerous complaints from
employees over the past few days concerning the elevators in building J
no longer playing soothing music out of the speakers. Instead, the
speakers now stream a continuous string of expletives as read by
Pauly Shore. Management would like to assure all employees that
this was intentional and was used as a means to cut costs. Hiring
Pauly Shore to read bad words 24 hours a day is far cheaper than
actually paying the royalties on any of Kenny G's greatest hits. For
those employees that find the noise in the elevators offensive, you may
either request a transfer to a different building or learn to start using
the stairs. Please note that only one of those choices will actually
get you anywhere.
Memo #724, 05-02-2007: This memo was intentionally left blank.
Memo #725, 05-03-2007: Management is happy to announce that Julie
Lane, an accounting clerk over in building F has finally gotten those
breast implants that she's always been talking about. We would like
to encourage any employees within, say, a five mile radius of her office
to take some time ouf of their schedules and stop by to check them out.
They are impressive and she could use more support on her
decision. On a related note, we're also happy to annouce that Quincy
Robinson has successfully completed his transition from ashy to classy.
While managment realizes that these accomplishments really have
nothing to do with our business bottom line, by pointing out selective
cases like these, it really shows how much we care about the betterment
of our profit-makers. Better you means a better all of us!
Memo #726, 05-05-2007: If you are in or around building E tomorrow
afternoon, please stop by the auditorium for a special guest lecture by
none other than famous super rapper Lil Jon, co-sponsored by the good
people in our electronics division. When pressed for a reason, the
group admitted that they had no actual business case for the invitation
but rather they just thought it sounded like a good idea. And we
agree! Bring your pimp cups because there will be free crunk juice
and brownies available to all attendees. Earplugs will also be
available for those allergic to yelling. People who may have adverse
reactions to the indoor smoking of marijuana may want to sit this one
out.
Memo #727, 05-10-2007: Coinciding with our previously unannounced
intention to lay off most of the employees in building 5C, we'd like to
invite the remaining employees to bring their children into work and
help reinforce the family spirit that we try and foster here. Hey
we might be laying off the guy in the office next to you but that doesn't
mean that there isn't plenty of additional work for you to do! Have
your kid help you finish up that mountain of paperwork sitting on your
desk or send him/her into the vacant office across the hall and tell
them to use their imagination. Hell, now that your workload has
tripled, you'll likely be burning the midnight oil for weeks to come and
studies have shown that having your family around helps keep stress
levels down. We couldn't agree more -- we love free labor!
Memo #728, 05-12-2007: Some of you might have taken note of the
new people walking around the financial division offices today. These
people are auditors and they are here investigating our handling of
the funds from the charity drive. Apparently they have trust issues
or something because we already told them a few times that we did everything
correct and by the book. We just refuse to show them that book.
I mean, it's a simple accounting error and not really a big deal.
Ok, so we tried to report all of the proceeds as income, so what?
Management fails to see what all the fuss is over. Finders,
keepers, right? We found it on the floor. It's ours.
Memo #729, 05-14-2007: Management regrets having to announce that
Quincy Robinson has been fired from the company. Apparently he took us up on our advice about bringing his kid in to work but didn't
plan on the fact that his kid is a much more productive worker than
Quincy ever was. Quincy's kid has been promoted to middle manager.
Good luck back down that ashy road, Quincy. Classy was good
while it lasted.
You have reached the end of all current updates. Please remember to
check back frequently in order to catch up on all available information. |
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| 04.11.2006 - PNC Information Center - #4 | 9:15 AM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 5/5 (2 Votes) |
| Hello Employee #15294!
Welcome to the P.Net Corporation (PNC) Information Center. This service is set up to provide both new and old employees with a comprehensive collection of memos and important company announcements to ensure that everyone is up to speed and operating efficiently. It appears that this is your fourth visit to the Information Center. Welcome back.
Please be aware that due to an internal error, approximately one full years worth of memos were lost after Diebold came in and tampered with our machines. We apologize for the inconvenience. We will start off this session with the latest available memo.
Please take the time to read all updates in full as they contain pertinent information which may get you fired if not adhered to. PNC again thanks you for your continued cooperation in both understanding and complying with these matters.
Memo #634, 07-27-2006: Management has recently been informed of a number of reports about a covert group operating throughout the break rooms on the fourth floor of building C. These individuals have been attributed to at least three seperate thefts of Hot Pockets brand Hot Pocket snack foods and scrawling the words "Hot Pockets Want To Be Free" in tomato sauce along a number of walls. We would like remind all employees that the illegal liberation of enslaved foods is strictly against company policy and will not be tolerated.
Memo #635, 07-29-2006: To make up for the fact that we completely forgot Black History month, we're putting together a new urban committee that is tasked with helping to educate and enrich our workforce by utilizing various tools and techniques such as rap music, boomboxes, and a combination of the two. The "Ride or Die" committee will meet once a week in the basement of the Sciences building.
Memo #636, 08-02-2006: We are very sad to report that Ed from the 9th floor Accounting was found dead in his office, apparently the victim of a freak dart accident. Reports vary but it appears that there was a number of staff members throwing darts at Ed and despite the heavy drinking, one of them actually managed to connect, burying a dart in Ed's forehead. We would like to take this opportunity to remind all employees that horsing around on company time can have deadly consequences to those who participate. Ed's family has been notified that we are having pork chops in the company cafeteria for lunch today.
Memo #637, 08-05-2006: The senior staff would like to take a minute and thank all of the employees who participated in PNC's "Bring Your Handgun To Work" day, as part of our recommittal to appeasing the urban crowd. This year turned out to be an overwhelming success with only three fatalities, which is down from twelve last year! Great work!
Memo #638, 08-07-2006: Reports are still coming in concerning the overt theft of food from various break rooms. The assailants are still unknown at this time and are simply becoming more daring and brazen with each attempt. Members of the security staff have been alerted and are keeping a close watch on building C. We would like to remind all employees that until this thing blows over, it is suggested that you simply go out and pick something up for lunch instead of bringing new food into the building. If you do have to bring something in, bring something healthy like tofu. No one ever steals tofu.
Memo #639, 08-10-2006: There have been a number of employees who have expressed deep concern over Sarah Jefferson from Engineering. Reports include her standing on her head while yelling at passerbys and eating an inordinate amount of snack cakes. We would like to take this time to point out that upper management feels that she is doing the Lord's work and is thus granted sanction. It is advised to all employees to leave her alone or face eternal damnation. Being burned alive is also a possible outcome.
Memo #640, 08-12-2006: Due to a number of unforeseen incidents, we would like to revert on a previous policy and point out that as of today, employees are no longer encouraged to "ghost ride" their whips. In addition, employees are hereby forbidden to ghost ride anything including their desks, their responsibilities, and other fellow employees. Failure to comply with this may result in management "ghost riding" you getting fired. We appreciate your cooperation in this matter.
Memo #641, 08-14-2006: Today is dress like a garbage man day!
Memo #642, 08-15-2006: Excellent news! The new mini-golf and go kart course is up and operational in building G of sector 3. Unfortunately, due to a mix-up in communications, a large moat has been erected around the outside of the building and is filled with deadly piranas and poisonous eels. While we admit to advertising it as being fun for the whole family, we highly recommend that you do not take your family anywhere near this place. Should any harm come to either you or your fmaily, please deposit remains in any of the specially marked containers around the campus for proper disposal. Please note that the corporate health plan doesn't cover moat-related accidents.
Memo #643, 08-17-2006: Upper management is proud to announce that we have a very special visitor coming to the facility tomorrow. Tom Johnson from D.A.R.E. will be speaking in the company auditorium at noon tomorrow for approximately one hour. We kindly request to any employees that choose to attend not to laugh or snicker every time Mr. Johnson tells you to stay off drugs. We also request to any members of the legal department who wish to attend not to try and steal whatever samples Mr. Johnson brings with him. We're trying to fulfill some community service requirements here, people.
Memo #644, 08-19-2006: Dan from 5th floor Sales in Building B has the following announcement to make: "To all employees, a number of requests have been sent my way concerning a certain "Jill" from a certain "Accounting" office. I would like to let everyone know, so that we can finally put the issue to rest, that the carpet does indeed match the drapes. Thank you."
Memo #645, 08-20-2006: It's official! Bob from the IT Services department located in building C-9 has finally eaten so much junk food and soda that he can no longer fit through the door of his office. Despite his pleas for help and requests for a power saw to cut through the wall, management has decided that by leaving him in his office and occasionally sliding trays of candy through the door, we can increase the productivity in his department by close to 50%. Some members of research feel that if we also up his soda intake, we might be able to stretch that figure to at least 57%. On-site medical staff says that he should be able to continue like this for at least another three years before his health begins to fail. We plan on cutting off his benefits before then.
You have reached the end of all current updates. Please remember to check back frequently in order to catch up on all available information. |
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| 08.23.2005 - PNC Information Center - #3 | 2:01 PM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 0/5 (0 Votes) |
| Hello Employee #15294!
Welcome to the P.Net Corporation (PNC) Information Center. This service is set up to provide both new and old employees with a comprehensive collection of memos and company announcements to ensure that everyone is up to speed and operating efficiently. It appears that this is your third visit to the Information Center.
You can also select from two previous updates:
#157 - #169
#170 - #180
Please take the time to read all updates in full as they contain pertinent information which may get you fired if not adhered to. PNC again thanks you for your continued cooperation in both understanding and complying with these matters.
Memo #181, 04-15-2005: It is with unfortunate regret that we must announce that all access and passageways to the fifth floor in building F have been closed down while the police complete their investigation. It appears that Roger from Division Sales died over a month ago and no one bothered to report it. Word from some of his co-workers was that they just assumed that he was really dedicated to his profession. Upper management has since fired his corpse due to a lackluster sales month attributed to his office.
Memo #182, 04-17-2005: Great news! The cafeteria has finally been rebuilt and is back in service. Sort of. Supplies are still running a bit low and the new staff has yet to be trained on proper operations of the new equipment. We would kindly ask all employees to only order either orange juice or fruit until we are back to full capacity. Additionally, we politely request that all employees avoid setting fire to this one as management has stated that they won't build another until 2006.
Memo #183, 04-20-2005: Access remains restricted to building F, floor five. If you need immediate access to items in this area, please contact any member of Facilities. A complex route has been diagramed out utilizing some old air vents and A/C ducts. Wearing of old clothes is recommended.
Memo #184, 04-27-2005: It is our great pleasure to announce a new company-wide initiative available to all employees and their families: The PNC Big Brother/Big Sister Mentoring & Tutoring Program. Are you a single parent that we constantly overwork? Bring your child in for some afterschool tutoring or allow our dedicated staff to spend the quality time with your child that we won't allow you. Refer any questions to your nearest HR representative.
Memo #185, 04-29-2005: We would like to take this opportunity to send a quick "Thank You" to Facilities Engineer Baker. He has managed to find a much easier way into the restricted areas of building F by taking the elevator to the sixth floor and then simply walking down the back staircase. This will allow you to avoid the automated gun turrets that have been placed near the front of the buidling. Management would like to remind all employees that we can always use more quick thinkers like Baker in Facilities.
Memo #186, 05-03-2005: In order to comply with some additional lawsuit settlements, management has decided to turn the newly built cafeteria into a homeless shelter during non-peak hours. This is effective immediately. If you see someone that you don't recognize wandering the halls, first ask for identification and then proceed to shock them with an electric taser. It is likely that this wanderer is homeless and needs to be escorted back to the cafeteria. Employees can pick up their personal taser starting today at noon. Employee identification is required.
Memo #187, 05-07-2005: Management regrets to inform all employees that opted to participate in our Big Brother/Sister program that your children have been lost for some days now. We have currently assigned members of the Security staff to look into and investigate this matter. Until it is resolved, it is recommended to all employees that they choose a homeless person from the cafeteria and pretend for a while. Food workers will be doling them out on a first come, first served basis so an early arrival is suggested.
Memo #188, 05-12-2005: We have been notified of a recent water pressure loss throughout most of building C. After a quick investigation, it turned out that members of Legal and Custodial got together and threw a pool party on the roof. We have assigned staff members from Plumbing to look into the issue and make sure that all water pipes are again routing properly. Management sends regrets to all employees that were not invited as it was one of the best parties of the year.
Memo #189, 05-15-2005: We would like to remind all employees that the homeless people located in the cafeteria are not toys. Poking them with sharp objects and making fun of them is not considered responsible work practice. Providing them with company proprietary work material to bed down on or read is also considered bad form. Additionally, we would like to reiterate that you may only taser the homeless if they are roaming outside the acceptable boundaries. Tasing should not be considered a recreational sport.
Memo #190, 05-17-2005: Thanks to some additional asinine behavior, it has been reported to Security that some members of the cafeteria's homeless have banded together and are currently staging an uprising. We would certainly like to remind all of our homeless inhabitants that uprisings will get you nowhere and any and all participants will likely be crushed under our juggernaut of security forces. Employees are encouraged to either eat out or bring a sack lunch until this situation can be resolved.
Memo #191, 05-22-2005: We have decided to terminate the Religious Needs & Spiritual Healing program due to lack of interest. Apparently, people didn't find the idea of meeting and praying in an abandoned bathroom amusing. In related news, we still can't find the kids of those employees who opted to participate in the Big Brother/Sister program. In addition to a corporate-offered apology, we are giving all employees the opportunity to keep your current homeless person/kid or upgrade to a recent prison parolee of your choice. We managed to get a great deal on some of these folks and we're passing on the savings to you. See HR for details.
Memo #192, 05-26-2005: In what can only be considered a great corporate victory, our relentless Security department has squashed the uprising of homeless in the cafeteria. We have currently offered those involved a truce and they have offered to fill in at various positions around the campus. This coincides with our new announcement of shoe shine kiosks being made available throughout the campus. Remember, if your shine isn't up to snuff, it's free, and you get to use your taser until you feel better about yourself. A special thanks goes out to Muffinbran for his support in quelling the uprising. We are currently reviewing our office pet policy in hopes that with some changes, he may be able to stay.
You have reached the end of all current updates. Please remember to check back frequently in order to catch up on all available information. |
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| 07.11.2005 - PNC Information Center - #2 | 3:22 PM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 0/5 (0 Votes) |
| Hello Employee #15294!
Welcome to the P.Net Corporation (PNC) Information Center. This service is set up to provide both new and old employees with a comprehensive collection of memos and company announcements to ensure that everyone is up to speed and operating efficiently. It appears that this is your second visit to the Information Center.
You can find one previous update, 157-169, here.
Please take the time to read all updates in full as they contain pertinent information which may get you fired if not adhered to. PNC again thanks you for your continued cooperation.
Memo #170, 02-12-2005: The Receiving department has informed us that a horse was mishandled and mistakenly delivered to Research Building #11. There have been a few reports of it roaming the halls and snacking on sugar cubes from the various break rooms. While we don't anticipate danger to any employee, it is encourged that you do not approach this horse and inform Security immediately. We will be shutting down all break rooms in the area and have raised the office terror level to yellow for the time being.
Memo #171, 02-15-2005: Effective immediately, it should be noted by all employees that we will be renaming the PNC Daycare Center to the PNC ChildCare Center. We felt it was misleading to some employees that we only cared about their children during the daytime. In order to better serve you, the PNCCCC has been relocated to floor #3, next to the broom closet. The rooms are not labeled but it should be pretty obvious which is which. One room has a bunch of wooden, lifeless objects in it and the other contains brooms.
Memo #172, 02-25-2005: In order to comply with a recent lawsuit settlement, we have been forced to hire a number of midgets on as staff members. They should be treated as any new employee would, which is to say feel free to push them down stairs and steal food from them whenever possible. Additionally, we would appreciate the cooperation of all employees in not calling them "half pints", "tiny tots", or "wee things" and stick the more politically correct term of "dramatically undersized yet anatomically correct bundle of joy."
Memo #173, 03-03-2005: It has come to our attention that members of the Research staff in Building #11 are refusing to hand over the horse to Security, whom they have nicknamed Muffinbran. At this time, we would like to remind all employees that pets in the office are strictly prohibited and corrective administrative action will be taken unless this situation is remedied.
Memo #174, 03-10-2005: We would like to send out an company-wide apology on behalf of members of the Electrical staff. During last weeks power failure, many of the overhead lights in the hallways were mistakenly replaced with UV lamps. This has caused many employees to burn severely. Until we can correctly fix the situation, we will be handing out free sunblock at the front desk. As a reminder, HR would like to point out that the "premium" medical package covers third-degree burns.
Memo #175, 03-17-2005: Please steer clear of section 6A on floor 3. One of our engineers has turned his office into a fort and is taking pot shots at anyone wandering into "his territory." We have determined that this territory includes break room #8 and parts of Marketing. We have diverted members of Security to look into the matter. We would like to point out PNC Policy #348 that specifically states that any handgun brought into the building must be of .22 caliber or below. As a precaution, we have once again upped the office terror level to Orange. All employees are thanked for their cooperation in this matter.
Memo #176, 03-21-2005: For those employees looking for some good news, we are pleased to announce that a scheduled visit from the Almighty himself, Jesus, will be occurring tomorrow at noon. Worshipers are weclome to gawk as he tours the building. Please refrain from falling in front of him and kissing his feet, both for his and your health and safety. Water will be served in the main lobby in the hopes that Jesus can convert it into a tasty treat for us all to share.
Memo #177, 03-22-2005: It is with regret that we must make mention that our previously announced Jesus vistor turned out to be an imposter, a homeless man in dishevled clothing. He was able to steal some employee paychecks and a bag of potato chips before making a daring escape from the building. This was accomplished by walking right out the front door. If you are one of the employees affected by this paycheck theft, we would like to remind you that nothing in life is guaranteed and we hope that you have been properly budgeting your money.
Memo #178, 04-02-2005: In order to make the best of a bad situation, members of our advanced security team have kidnapped Muffinbran from Research and will be using him to invade the fort located on floor 3. He will be wearing lightly padded armor fitted with a camera. All employees are encouraged to stop by the betting cage on the first floor to check out the odds and place wagers. Proceeds will be used to purchase a clown.
Memo #179, 04-05-2005: The elevator serving the archives department in Building #3 is currently out of order. There have been reports of people disappearing during it's use. We would like to encourage all employees to use the stairs during the repair process. Additionally, we ask that employees ignore the ominous red glow and strange noises eminating from the shaft. This is entirely normal elevator shaft operation and should not be confused with having anything to do with employees disappearing. We apologize for any confusion this may cause.
Memo #180, 04-06-2005: As a reminder to all employees, while there is no specific PNC policy prohibiting such, it is recommended that you do not attempt to run a franchise restaurant out of your office. While we regret that the new cafeteria is still not operational, some employees find the smell of cooking animal flesh distracting and your boss would like to remind you that you probably have other work to do. Personal whiskey distilleries are still considered ok as long as the kickbacks keep reaching the right people. Please see HR if you are interested in discussing a change of your current job responsibilities or if you are interested in getting fired.
You have reached the end of all current updates. Please remember to check back frequently in order to catch up on all available information.
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| 06.08.2005 - PNC Information Center | 10:32 AM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 0/5 (0 Votes) |
| Hello Employee #15294!
Welcome to the P.Net Corporation (PNC) Information Center. This service is set up to provide both new and old employees with a comprehensive collection of memos and company announcements to ensure that everyone is up to speed and operating efficiently. It appears that this is your first visit to the Information Center. Please take the time to read all updates in full as they contain pertinent information which may get you fired if not adhered to. PNC again thanks you for your continued cooperation.
Memo #157, 09-09-2004: We regret to inform all employees that the entire HR staff has checked themselves into rehab. We wish them the best of luck. If you have a pending or critical human resources issue, please see Earl in Janitorial. He will do his best to help you.
Memo #158, 09-18-2004: Jack from Maintenance has brought to our attention that a number of employees are using the elevator doors to crush soda cans for recycling. While we believe in recycling as much as the next company, there are people trapped on the eighth floor that need to get down. Email traffic suggests that they haven't eaten in almost a week. Anyone caught abusing their elevator priviledges will be taped to the flagpole for a period of no less than one day.
Memo #159, 10-01-2004: In an effort to tighten our corporate security and prevent critical information leaks, we will soon be employing a team to monitor and read all outgoing email. We regret any inconvenience that this may cause.
Memo #160, 10-05-2004: The men's bathroom is closed until further notice. There was an apparent underground explosion that was in no way related to our illegal chemical dump located in a similar area. The resulting flood has rendered the bathroom unusable. We have left numerous messages with Janitorial but apparently Earl is out of the office working on getting the company a new dental plan. Go Earl!
Memo #161, 10-17-2004: We would like to inform all employees that we will no longer be monitoring email and have fired the staff we hired to do that. One employee apparently inserted "I AM THE GRIM REAPER" fifty times at random spots in an important proposal. Needless to say, we lost. We would further like to remind everyone that tampering with company email is now considered a crime and we will have security pretend to arrest you before you make a quick getaway.
Memo #162, 11-03-2004: In an important turn of events, Beth from Accounting has a drinking problem and will be taking a few days off to sober up. If you have any payroll issues, please take it up with members of the kitchen staff in the cafeteria. Additionally, we are still receiving reports about the "rogue recyclers" and the can crushing elevator. We have redirected the focus of our Security department and now have guards posted on each floor to ensure smooth operation.
Memo #162-5, 11-03-2004: Oops. Apparently that last memo was supposed to be confidential. We would like to remind all employees that Beth from Accounting does NOT have a drinking problem and that she is merely taking a few days off on a well-deserved vacation. Great job on those end-of-year fiscals, Beth!
Memo #163, 11-21-2004: First, good news. The men's bathroom is open and back in business. PNC recommends that all employees bring an old pair of shoes to change into prior to entering the bathroom. We reserve the right to make you clean your own carpet if you do not comply. The bad news is that someone set fire to the cafeteria. No one was hurt in the incident, thankfully, but it will be out of commission for some time. We would like remind everyone that lunch is a priviledge, not a right.
Memo #164, 12-05-2004: Bill from the fourth floor has quit and we will be auctioning off his office at noon tomorrow. Seating is limited and the bidding starts at half your paycheck. Bring your own refreshments.
Memo #165, 12-16-2004: We've received numerous reports that someone keeps prank calling offices located on the third floor. Consider this memo a reminder to all employees that we have caller id installed on all phones. We urge employees to exercise caution when answering the phone from someone you don't want to talk to -- they probably only crave attention. PNC regrets that both the HR and Security staffs are tied up elsewhere and we are unable to further investigate. Please be considerate of other people in the office, especially the whiners on the third floor. Thank you.
Memo #166, 12-29-2004: Earl from Janitorial/HR has reported to us that someone has locked the new sales rep into one of the gym lockers. We would like to remind all employees about PNC Policy #175 which specifically states that employee hazing is only to be performed with express management approval. We never would have authorized something so unoriginal. At this time, we would like to introduce PNC Policy #215: If you're going to break the rules, be creative and impress us. Senior employees are again reminded that they can drop off creative hazing ideas to Jim on floor six.
Memo #167, 01-08-2005: Ok, this is the last straw. Someone has stolen the soda machine out of break room #5 and tried to crush it in the elevator. The elevator is not a toy. Someone might get hurt and then we'd have to pay disability. We would like to remind all employees that Beth from Accounting is gone so good luck filing a claim.
Memo #168, 01-24-2005: The HR staff has been returned to us from their stint at rehab. We're not sure it did any good so we have demoted them to custodial duties. Earl has been doing a great job as an HR replacement and our office has gotten dirty as hell. Please stop by the bathrooms and welcome them back.
Memo #169, 02-04-2005: Employees are reminded that writing lewd and sexually explicit content on the bathroom walls is not befitting of a professional work environment. We have decided to close down the company bar for a period of one week as punishment. Anyone caught drinking at their desks will be forced to share. Also, we'll be showing "Hellraiser" in the library at lunch tomorrow in an effort to boost company morale. Hope to see you there!
This is the end of the current batch of company updates. We trust you will enjoy your employment here at PNC, where each employee is so important we provide them a unique number to identify them with! Check back here often as this information is updated frequently. |
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