Growing up, I was a lot like every other child I knew save for the frequent beatings that I received and the fact that I had to sleep outside chained to a flagpole. Oh, and there was always that one kid that smelled like sour milk so he doesn't count either. No, like most every other kid, I had both an imagination and illusions of greatness. Every child wants to be a superhero or writes out plans for world domination, usually with an army of G.I. Joe soldiers and Barbie hostages. As you grow older, most of us grow out of these fantasies, able to toss away our grand visions for something more mundane and realistic like working in a sweatshop or cleaning up after the elephants at a circus. But not me.
I am unable to shake these childhood ideals, the lust for power and the need to boss everyone around, killing those who anger me or whom I deem worthless. "But Randy," you say, "where on Earth would be able to find such a position that allowed you uncontrolled, global access with the might of a criminal empire?" Right in my own backyard of course. Well, not literally my backyard; it's rather small, see, and I wouldn't be able to house more than four or five soldiers back there. That is certainly not enough for an army of any type. No, what I meant was my backyard, the good old US of A. Where would I be able to satisfy my control-freak requirements while being able to wage uncontrolled war with little to no repercussion or conscience? The answer is simple: the White House and a campaign for becoming America's next President.
The American political game is a wide-open playing field for 2008 and all manner of idiots and has-beens are turning out in droves to get a piece of it. I am neither; just a concerned citizen who is tired of watching the great American ship capsize. Using my vast personal wealth and resources, I have decided to make a run for the position of President in 2008. I'm qualified, having been an American for nearly 27 years, so I bring a large amount of experience to the table. Below I plan on outlining my campaign strategy, the good points and bad points for me as a candidate, and overall plan of hypothetical attack to give you, the informed voter, a chance to really decide for yourself if I am the right man for the job.
The first thing my advisors told me to talk about was platforms. It seems that that's the key thing around every campaign. Everyone really wants to know about platforms. During the alpha stages of campaign planning, my advisors told me that I needed to choose a platform to run on. I told them that I usually run on a treadmill, preferably with a 35-degree incline. My advisors then told me that I was stupid and they beat me with coat hangers and shoes. That's not what they meant by platforms they said. This game of politics is pretty confusing sometimes.
So moving away from the platform issue, largely because despite the beatings I'm still liking either treadmill or escalator for platform choices, it's time to jump into the finer points of me as a candidate. A lot of politicians only like to show one side of themselves, promoting the good and hiding the bad. Well, I hate a lot of politicians. There is no possible way that you can make an informed voting choice without knowing both sides. I would like the to be the guy to give you both sides. I'd actually like to give you a third side too but I lost that side during an intense firefight in the jungles of Vietnam.
It's easier to start with the good points about me as a candidate, largely because this is the completely fictional part that I just made up. I'm going to label what I say here as "facts" but because I just put "facts" in quotation marks, they may or may not be actual facts. Facts are one of those logic puzzles that they give you to make sure that you're smart enough to go to college. Like the SAT test or something. Well, I never went to college. Why am I putting this under the good part, then? Well, it's common knowledge that going to college corrupts the souls of men, forcing them to enjoy beer and pornography while occasionally having frequent bouts of sex throughout the day. I firmly believe that women still have cooties and, frankly, don't come within three miles of one if I can help it. One of my advisors came down with mono the other day and I immediately fired him. It's well known that mono is a disease that two people get after they kiss. I didn't want that kind of nonsense around my headquarters. Well, headquarters is kind of a misnomer since I am currently running my campaign from inside an aisle at Target.
With my finer points out of the way (sort of), it's time to delve into the dark world of me being a politician. I'm stepping up and informing the American people of these first, to both be honest and to avoid being involved in any ugly smear campaigns put on by my competitors. I still wet myself at night or during public ceremonies. There, I said it. I've seen doctors and wear adult diapers to keep things under control but I'm still accident-prone. It's not like I really have a choice in the matter so stop looking at me like that. I routinely get fragrance injections performed by a local specialist so in the very least it doesn't smell like urine. It smells like new car. The occasional pants wetting aside, I once made fun of someone in a wheelchair. It was wrong of me and I have been punishing myself inside for every day since. I can't take those words back but I do still chuckle about it in my mind because, honestly, the joke was pretty funny. Also, one time when I was at the ice cream store, I got a taste test for a flavor I didn't particularly like but I lied to the person behind the counter and said that it was good anyway. This makes me a bad person.
So there you have it, the good, the bad, and a little blurb about what platform I prefer running on, not that I still see how my exercise habits factor in to my political views. The only topic left to cover is my campaign strategies, what I am for or against and how I plan to revolutionize the Presidency. You know, robots are people just like you and I am very much concerned about the opportunities involved in gay robot marriages. I'm not going to take a stand one way or another but I do think that more attention needs to be paid to the issue. As I said, robots are people too, even if they are wired a little differently. No doubt that a gay robot would be. I'd also make a big push to stop having Americans speak English and instead focus efforts on speaking American. Americans don't speak English, the English do. They add the letter u to a lot of words and say crap like "bloke" and "cheers!" Americans hate the letter u and think that "Cheers" was simply a successful sitcom in the 1980's. Glam rock would make a comeback during my tenure, not really because I like the music but seeing a bunch of white guys dress and act like they did makes me feel better about myself. Lastly, I would make an effort to close both North and South Dakota. Either that or sell them to Canada.
That's the outline, folks. The whole nine yards concerning me and my upcoming campaign. I am hoping that by being upfront and providing as much information as early as possible, it will boost support for me and whatever platform my advisors tell me I can have. I have my eye on the new Fitness Master 3000 with adjustable tilt but it's kind of expensive. I'm hoping to embezzle some campaign funds as soon as I get any or simply steal it from Target once they kick us out. I should have buttons and t-shirts printed up shortly and my advisors are compiling a list of initial campaign supporters who will receive them. I'd love to hear from you and if you want to stop by the campaign office, we're in aisle 10 which is next to sporting goods. Let's have a great year and a great run to the White House!
Support Randy Pollestad for President in 2008!
I am unable to shake these childhood ideals, the lust for power and the need to boss everyone around, killing those who anger me or whom I deem worthless. "But Randy," you say, "where on Earth would be able to find such a position that allowed you uncontrolled, global access with the might of a criminal empire?" Right in my own backyard of course. Well, not literally my backyard; it's rather small, see, and I wouldn't be able to house more than four or five soldiers back there. That is certainly not enough for an army of any type. No, what I meant was my backyard, the good old US of A. Where would I be able to satisfy my control-freak requirements while being able to wage uncontrolled war with little to no repercussion or conscience? The answer is simple: the White House and a campaign for becoming America's next President.
The American political game is a wide-open playing field for 2008 and all manner of idiots and has-beens are turning out in droves to get a piece of it. I am neither; just a concerned citizen who is tired of watching the great American ship capsize. Using my vast personal wealth and resources, I have decided to make a run for the position of President in 2008. I'm qualified, having been an American for nearly 27 years, so I bring a large amount of experience to the table. Below I plan on outlining my campaign strategy, the good points and bad points for me as a candidate, and overall plan of hypothetical attack to give you, the informed voter, a chance to really decide for yourself if I am the right man for the job.
The first thing my advisors told me to talk about was platforms. It seems that that's the key thing around every campaign. Everyone really wants to know about platforms. During the alpha stages of campaign planning, my advisors told me that I needed to choose a platform to run on. I told them that I usually run on a treadmill, preferably with a 35-degree incline. My advisors then told me that I was stupid and they beat me with coat hangers and shoes. That's not what they meant by platforms they said. This game of politics is pretty confusing sometimes.
So moving away from the platform issue, largely because despite the beatings I'm still liking either treadmill or escalator for platform choices, it's time to jump into the finer points of me as a candidate. A lot of politicians only like to show one side of themselves, promoting the good and hiding the bad. Well, I hate a lot of politicians. There is no possible way that you can make an informed voting choice without knowing both sides. I would like the to be the guy to give you both sides. I'd actually like to give you a third side too but I lost that side during an intense firefight in the jungles of Vietnam.
It's easier to start with the good points about me as a candidate, largely because this is the completely fictional part that I just made up. I'm going to label what I say here as "facts" but because I just put "facts" in quotation marks, they may or may not be actual facts. Facts are one of those logic puzzles that they give you to make sure that you're smart enough to go to college. Like the SAT test or something. Well, I never went to college. Why am I putting this under the good part, then? Well, it's common knowledge that going to college corrupts the souls of men, forcing them to enjoy beer and pornography while occasionally having frequent bouts of sex throughout the day. I firmly believe that women still have cooties and, frankly, don't come within three miles of one if I can help it. One of my advisors came down with mono the other day and I immediately fired him. It's well known that mono is a disease that two people get after they kiss. I didn't want that kind of nonsense around my headquarters. Well, headquarters is kind of a misnomer since I am currently running my campaign from inside an aisle at Target.
With my finer points out of the way (sort of), it's time to delve into the dark world of me being a politician. I'm stepping up and informing the American people of these first, to both be honest and to avoid being involved in any ugly smear campaigns put on by my competitors. I still wet myself at night or during public ceremonies. There, I said it. I've seen doctors and wear adult diapers to keep things under control but I'm still accident-prone. It's not like I really have a choice in the matter so stop looking at me like that. I routinely get fragrance injections performed by a local specialist so in the very least it doesn't smell like urine. It smells like new car. The occasional pants wetting aside, I once made fun of someone in a wheelchair. It was wrong of me and I have been punishing myself inside for every day since. I can't take those words back but I do still chuckle about it in my mind because, honestly, the joke was pretty funny. Also, one time when I was at the ice cream store, I got a taste test for a flavor I didn't particularly like but I lied to the person behind the counter and said that it was good anyway. This makes me a bad person.
So there you have it, the good, the bad, and a little blurb about what platform I prefer running on, not that I still see how my exercise habits factor in to my political views. The only topic left to cover is my campaign strategies, what I am for or against and how I plan to revolutionize the Presidency. You know, robots are people just like you and I am very much concerned about the opportunities involved in gay robot marriages. I'm not going to take a stand one way or another but I do think that more attention needs to be paid to the issue. As I said, robots are people too, even if they are wired a little differently. No doubt that a gay robot would be. I'd also make a big push to stop having Americans speak English and instead focus efforts on speaking American. Americans don't speak English, the English do. They add the letter u to a lot of words and say crap like "bloke" and "cheers!" Americans hate the letter u and think that "Cheers" was simply a successful sitcom in the 1980's. Glam rock would make a comeback during my tenure, not really because I like the music but seeing a bunch of white guys dress and act like they did makes me feel better about myself. Lastly, I would make an effort to close both North and South Dakota. Either that or sell them to Canada.
That's the outline, folks. The whole nine yards concerning me and my upcoming campaign. I am hoping that by being upfront and providing as much information as early as possible, it will boost support for me and whatever platform my advisors tell me I can have. I have my eye on the new Fitness Master 3000 with adjustable tilt but it's kind of expensive. I'm hoping to embezzle some campaign funds as soon as I get any or simply steal it from Target once they kick us out. I should have buttons and t-shirts printed up shortly and my advisors are compiling a list of initial campaign supporters who will receive them. I'd love to hear from you and if you want to stop by the campaign office, we're in aisle 10 which is next to sporting goods. Let's have a great year and a great run to the White House!
Support Randy Pollestad for President in 2008!