Today we continue with part one of the next installment of our in-depth coverage and investigation into what can only be described as the epitome of rap music.  It's all downhill after this, folks.  To recap part one, in case you decided to be cool and jump straight to part two without bothering to read the original, Ice was all over the place.  He went from giving orders, to making candles, to talking about a harpoon.  God does he love that harpoon.  As promised, here is a look at verse two from the hit single, "Ice Ice Baby."

(Note that this verse is really, really long.  Like porn star long.  I have split it up and will be posting the second part of part two at another time.)

Verse Two (Part One)

"Now that the party is jumping"

Every few years, a fad or trend comes along that people blindly follow to death before it dies out and is never heard from again.  In early 1990's, jumping was considered cool.  Kris Kross made "Jump" and House of Pain had us "jumping around."  In fact, unless you had someone at your party that was jumping, it's quite likely that no one would be talking about how "dope" it was the next day.  Here, Vanilla begins verse two under the assumption that, by now, especially having heard verse one, someone (if not the entire party) is likely jumping.  You may find one person that looks like he is jumping but, when questioned, it turns out that he is a basketball player and is only trying to see if he can touch the ceiling.  He's testing his "hops."

"With the bass kicked in, the vegas are pumpin'"

Remember that speaker bum rush back in verse one?  Yeah, that's where your bass got kicked in.  Thankfully, your speakers still work despite the beating and now the vegas are pumping.  Which is a good thing in case you didn't know.  And it's not "vegas" like Las Vegas, but more like "vega" and plural.  Vegas are small, midget-like creatures who are made of milk.  Come on folks, this is common knowledge.

"Quick to the point, to the point no faking"

If Vanilla really was serious about being quick to the point, this song would only have one verse and not three.  I call bullshit.  Either that or he is talking about how poorly he performs in bed.  Does Vanilla Ice take cold showers?  You know, to keep himself playing the part for being cool as ice?  What if it's a warm summer day?  Does he melt?  Crap, I think my brain just exploded.

"I'm cooking mcs like a pound of bacon"

If you are an MC, beware.  Vanilla Ice may cook you like bacon, which is to say that he may either use a frying pan or perhaps wrap you in a paper towel and put you in the microwave.  High, 45 seconds.  You really just don't know with this guy.  He has so many verbal weapons, not to mention ways to cook bacon, that if you ever find yourself in a head-to-head rap battle, it's over with before you know it.  I imagine that the people in Vanilla's crew get a little tired of eating bacon night after night, what with all the winning he does.  It surely can't be good for their cholesterol level.  He could just go and buy that pre-cooked bacon.  Then he wouldn't have to waste all that time cooking it.

"Burning them if theyre not quick and nimble"

Watch out.  Vanilla will turn the stove on and just leave you cooking if you're not fast and agile.  It's not that Vanilla Ice doesn't care; he just doesn't care about you.  When the best thing you get from Vanilla is bacon-themed metaphor, you know you're not high on his priority list.

"I go crazy when I hear a cymbal"

I once thought that a cymbal was street slang for injesting PCP, at which point I also used to go crazy whenever I "heard" a "cymbal."  But after doing extensive research on the internet, I found out that a cymbal is actually a percussion instrument and is not edible.  It took me quite a while to wonder why Vanilla would go crazy over a percussion instrument.  Maybe he had a strange phobia about brass plates or perhaps a deep-seeded hatred for anything that you can hit with a drumstick.  More likely, however, is that Ice simply was exposed to a retard or two in his elementary music class and those retards always got to play the percussion instruments.  They sit there all day, banging away nonsensically, causing non-stop racket.  Yeah, I think I'd go a little crazy too.

"And a hi hat with a souped up tempo"

Did you know that "souped" isn't even a word?  Sure, we all know what it means to have something "souped up" but you at least expect some proper grammar from the greatest white rapper ever.  So he likes his tempo with a little chicken noodle.  I guess that never hurt anyone.

"I’m on a roll and it’s time to go solo"

As I mentioned previously, if you've been following along thus far, you'll know that Vanilla changes topics more often than elderly people change their diapers.  The last few lines have been pretty non-sensical and merely consist of Ice talking about how much he really likes music.  However, he's letting you know now that he doesn't just like music, he likes music only when he is standing on bread all by himself.  I'm not sure why he would be standing on a roll, or what the symbology means, but he's definitely using it as a vehicle to distance himself from you and everyone else he knows.  Additionally, while I am not aware of Vanilla Ice ever teaming up with anybody but the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, he's making it clear to you that he rides solo, perhaps on a vehicle made of bread or some other doughy concoction.

"Rollin’ in my 5.0"

Continuing his his newly started tradition of bread metaphors, here Ice advances us with a bit more insight into his mystery.  From the sounds of it, sure, he might have made it big as a successful white rapper but, deep down inside, all he ever wanted to be was a baker; to spend his life rolling dough 5 times or perhaps during an earthquake with a 5.0 magnitude.  Honestly, I don't know.  White people can be so confusing.

"With my rag-top down so my hair can blow"

The dictionary defines "rag-top" as slang for "a convertible automobile" which, I guess, is something like a transformer.  Remember that guy Optimus Prime?  He was a big robot who could turn into a semi truck whenever it suited him.  Ice is a lot like that.  He changes from an automobile into the greatest rapper of all time.  He's not doing it for you; he's doing it because he really likes music and he wants his hair to blow while he tells you all about it.  He also plays the harpsicord but that's only when he's alone.

"The girlies on standby waving just to say hi"

Here is where Ice really gets to let his remedial education shine through.  I mean, I'm no IQ record holder myself, but I'm trying to wrap my mind around what else someone waving at you could possibly mean aside from "hi."  Unless they were some kind of model-for-hire, paid for by some rich billionaire tycoon to stand on a street corner and wave because he has a perverse fetish.  Ok, there is also the scenario where someone might be dead or seriously injured and they would be waving as a means to try and flag you down.  Maybe you could get help or something.  I guess Lassie has the day off.  Whatever.  The point is that in the early 90's, girls would routinely stand by and use their hands to communicate the fact that they wanted to say hi.  Vocalizing or otherwise conveying the fact that you wanted to say hi was simply not an option back then.

"Did you stop no I just drove by"

To the casual listener, one who simply is unable to comprehend Ice's greatness as a poetic master, you might begin to question why Vanilla Ice would simply keep driving after loads of potentially gorgeous women were waving just to say hi.  They were obviously interested, right?  Well, maybe he was in a hurry or something.  Maybe he had just poured a bowl of cereal for breakfast and realized that he had no milk so he was running to the store to get some more.  Vanilla Ice is a machine.  Vanilla Ice is infallible.  You question his motives because you simply can't wrap your mind around how great he is.  Vanilla passed these ladies up for a reason that your simple brain simply can't process.  Either that or he's gay.  Take your pick.

"Kept on pursuing to the next stop"

Roughly translated into uptight white people speak, this line simply states that Vanilla Ice kept driving after he passed the women on the corner, the same women who may or may not have been waving for reasons other than to say hi.  He may have driven up to one mile or less, depending on how the stoplights are arranged in Miami.  I haven't been there and the city planner isn't returning my calls.

"I busted a left and I'm heading to the next block"

Vanilla Ice is a lover, not a fighter, despite the fact that he opted not to pick up the ladies on the corner.  Perhaps they were hookers.  Ice is above paying for sex.  Anyway, the term "busted a left" has nothing to do with boxing or fighting, which is exactly what stupid people think it means.  Despite the fact that he has his rag-top down so his hair can blow, I am quite sure that during this driving interlude, Vanilla is wearing his seatbelt and obeying all of the local traffic laws.  I'm sure that he is driving the speed limit and using his turn signals whenever he needs to bust a left.  Of course, he probably does the same thing when he busts a right except, you know, he uses the other turn signal.

"The block was dead"

Yeah, Ice, I bet you're kind of regretting not picking up those women a few blocks back, huh?  I mean, here you are, traveling a number of city blocks and what does it get you?  Now the block is dead.  (Note that this doesn't mean that there are all kinds of dead people around or that there is a cemetary here.  Urban people like to take words and bring new meaning to them.  Really, just try and follow along.)  You could have been having fun a few blocks back but nooooo, you had to pass them up so that your hair can blow a little more.  Now you've got a dead block and messed up hair.  This is a fine pickle you've gotten yourself into, Ice.

"Yo so I continued to A1A Beachfront Avenue"

Finally!  A destination and an end to this driving nonsense.  I tried to find Beachfront Avenue on Mapquest and got nothing.  I'm not sure if it really exists.  Perhaps this is some kind of big joke that Ice is playing on everyone.  Or perhaps he's on acid and really thinks that he is there.  I can only hope that this mythical Beachfront Ave is worth passing up the girlies and driving through all the dead blocks to get to.  Like some kind of holy promised land or something.  A promised land filled with eagles and leprechauns, working in unison to overthrow the fascist regime.  Oh, and they have brownies there, too.  Really good ones, like with a carmel swirl or something in the middle.  I'd like to think that Beachfront Avenue really is like that.  And it is... in my mind.

And that's that.  Bacon and driving, that's what Ice is all about.  Do you think he eats bacon while driving?  I mean, that's kind of dangerous when you think about it.  Maybe that's why he didn't want to stop and pick up those chicks.  They would have eaten all of his bacon and he was damn hungry.  Do you think he has some kind of gadget in his dashboard that cooks the bacon for him?  Like some kind of futuristic Jetson-style appliance?  That would be sweet.  In my next car, instead of a glove compartment, I am going to install a George Foreman grill.  Aside from all the delicious bacon that I can cook up during rush hour, should I ever get pulled over, when the cop asks me for the registration I can just pull out some bacon and give it to him.  He'd probably only let me off with a warning after that.  I mean, who doesn't like bacon?  Communists don't like bacon.  You're not a commie, are you?