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| 06.29.2007 - Clearing The Air | 10:48 AM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 3.7/5 (3 Votes) |
| As any celebrity will tell you, provided, of course, that they have both a
mouth and the ability to speak a language which you understand, being rich
and famous isn't quite as easy as poor people make it out to be. Oh,
sure, we get to buy whatever we want, drive fast cars, and live in our
lavish houses where we partake in illicit drugs off the backside of a hooker
who we may or may not have killed, but these a good life does not make.
You see, while it's true that we don't have to deal with day-to-day struggles,
blue collar crime, or AIDS like poor people do, rich celebrities have to face
something far more sinister: misconceptions and other half-truths. I am,
unfortunately, no exception to this rule.
This is what fame and fortune does to a person.  | |
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You see, in my position as a bona fide internet superstar and a master of jokes
that a fourth grader wouldn't find funny, I am all too familiar with the trappings
that worldwide stardom can bring. However, unlike most celebs who can
seclude themselves in private mansions and rehab, I am easily accessible to
the public and am forced to wage daily battles defending my honor against people
who have too much time on their hands and too little education to know how to use
it properly. While I can deal with most trouble makers by dispatching a cleverly
crafted "ur stupid, fag" email response and then telling them that they have syphilis,
there are a number of rumors floating around the internet about me that I
would like to refute publicly. While I do detest giving these attention
whores something they so desperately crave, I don't want anything to interfere
with my upcoming presidential campaign in 2008. So, in no particular order,
here are some items of interest that I would like to clear up.
Rumor: Started pollestad.net as a means to protest the use of technology and to
secretly fund a war on country music.
False: I actually started the website as a means to impress some chick I met
back when having a website was considered "trendy" and having stock options
actually meant something. She left me shortly after it went online for
someone who didn't have any STDs. I then wound up using the site to post
pictures of my barbie collection and write "Golden Girls" erotic fan fiction.
Now, I pretty much just use it to make fun of fat people.
Rumor: Once spent three full days arm wrestling a zebra off the coast of Japan
in an attempt to prove that the theory of evolution was true.
False: Actually, it was only two days and they weren't consecutive. Both
the zebra and I took a break during the second day to catch a very off-Broadway
showing of "Cats!" in Tokyo called "Dinner!" I eventually bested the zebra
after our recess using a distraction method that I like to call "taking my shirt off."
Rumor: Was the only man to have faced the vicious "Cactus Pirates" of Death
Valley and survive to tell the tale.
False: While I did indeed face perils while wandering alone in the desert of
Death Valley, I didn't run into too many pirates in my travels. They
tend to stick to places that actually have water. Something about their
boats floating and whatnot. However, I did run into a poor fellow called
Sandy McCrack who got shady Mapquest directions and took a wrong turn. I
peed in his canteen when he wasn't looking.
I don't know what this picture is or is supposed to mean. It came up when I typed "misconception" into google. What also came up was a picture of two men licking each other. I opted to go with this one.  | |
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Rumor: Invented the "Yo Momma!" joke.
False: I didn't invent the "Yo Momma!" joke, your mother did. I was merely
trying to describe to others what she looked like. However, I did take the
genre to new heights after she got that wooden leg and glass eye.
Rumor: Was a drifter turned post office offical in a war-torn United States
with hopes of getting a free meal, some nooky, and then unifying the world.
False: This is the plot of a Kevin Costner movie. However, if I was
ever a drifter and found myself jobless in a post-apocalyptic America, I might
actually consider the Post Office as a possible means of employment. Most
likely, though, I would fall back on one of my many numerous talents and either
open up a lemonade stand or become a poolboy to the stars.
Rumor: Has no original material and steals all of his jokes from other websites.
False: My ideas are like Honda Accords -- they pretty much get stolen by others
at least 10 times a day, assuming that you're factoring in a large city and
not just counting, say, South Dakota. It's quite likely that if you see
some joke appear on both my site and another like it, I came up with it first
and that other guy is just an unoriginal asshole with no talent. However,
if the joke happens to be really, really funny, then yeah, I definitely stole
that one. I haven't been funny since I used up all of the sample jokes
provided in the book, "Mr. Rogers' Guide To Humor."
Rumor: Uses really big words in order to confuse his audience and trick them
into thinking he is smart and educated.
False: I would never use a supererogatory preposition in a confabulation in order
to corroborate my meliority over others. That's just preposterous. If
anything, you could say that I have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia which leaves
my phraseology quite vacuous.
This man knows the meaning to every single word in the dictionary and he's not afraid to remind you about that.  | |
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Having set the record straight on the topics above, it's my sincerest hope
that this first step is in the right direction of fully clearing both the air
and my name from these vicious lies spread by a jealous public. However,
I am no fool. Rumors, much like genital warts or gremlins if you feed
them after midnight, will multiply and spread regardless of how much you
fight back. Given that, expect another one of these air clearing updates
soon. I don't like it but the truth wants to be free. |
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