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| 08.13.2007 - 30 Days Of Tribulation | 2:46 PM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 5/5 (2 Votes) |
| As the summer months continue their march into autumn with days of
cloudless skies and neverending heat, it becomes a bit more common to find
many members of the PNC staff in absentia. The binges go on a
bit longer, the alcohol seems to flow a bit more freely, and it takes
a hell of a lot longer to bury that hooker you accidentally killed
because the sun refuses to set at any decent hour. Let's face it,
for the past thirty days, things around here have been slower than the
progress of a retarded child attempting to read War & Peace.
While it may not seem like it on the surface, I've been through some
pretty rough stuff over the past month. Men of lesser caliber than
myself (.357 for those who are keeping track) would have long ago packed
up shop and called it quits, never to write again and choosing instead to
retire into luxury with untold riches and some white bitch who looks good
in a bikini, but not me. I'm not the type of person to sit back and
rest on my laurels -- I actually prefer a bed for that because laurels
don't provide good lumbar support. Not to mention that white
bitches suck.
When I first started the P.Net Corporation, I founded it on a promise
that we were not some fly-by-night operation; that we would be there for
the people who needed us through thick and thin. Now, despite the
fact that I have broken this promise many times over the years doesn't
make it any less of a valid promise. We're all about intention
around here. So, in an effort of appeasement, below you will find a
list of ordeals I have suffered through for the last 1/12 of the year
to help better explain my recent silence.
- I chased a man down 15 blocks and forced him to aplogize after he
neglected to flush the toilet while using a public bathroom. After
he was finished, I refused to accept his apology because it didn't
sound sincere.
- I figured out a fool-proof way to make money off of the internet
by selling pictures of pigeons wearing cowboy hats but the idea didn't
pan out and I spent the next two weeks homeless.
- I flew to Las Vegas for the sole purpose of feasting on prime rib
tacos and snorting Sweet'N'Low off of hired help.
- I ate chips.
- I rented a space shuttle and flew into the cosmos to claim my
corner of the galaxy. I named a cluster of stars after the cast
of "Family Ties" because I really used to enjoy Michael J. Fox before
he started shaking like a wet puppy.
- I signed up for eHarmony.com and pretended to be an honest bible
salesman from Kansas. However, once I managed to actually find a
potential mate, she found out about my devious ways and beat me
with an extension cord until I cried.
- I constructed my own personal Batman suit out of paper towels and
flammable rags and fought crime for a week until I got bored.
- I spent hours creating a powerpoint presentation which detailed all
of the various inconsistencies present within the Star Wars universe.
Once it was finished, I saved it to CD, locked it in a box, dragged
it out into the middle of the street and set it on fire because Star
Wars is some hippie nerd shit.
- I flew to Tennessee, bought front row tickets to a Toby Keith concert
and called him a fag whenever he stopped playing. After the
fifth time, he threw his guitar at my head, broke my left leg, and ate
my unborn child, but it was totally worth it.
- I abstained from sexual relations to get closer to Jesus.
- I founded a Fortune 100 company but sold it cheap to a Fortune 500
company after only a few days because I thought that business was like
Basketball and that higher numbers were good. I know realize that
I don't know dick about business and I cancelled my subscription to Forbes
in protest.
- I spent the night in jail because it was cheaper than a Motel 6.
- I purchased an office building downtown and gave it away to some Native
American friends of mine in an effort to make myself feel better about
my ancestors stealing all of their land.
- I ran into Brad Pitt while doing some shopping in Los Angeles.
Unfortunately, he wasn't "Legends of the Fall" Brad Pitt but more
like "Fight Club" Brad Pitt and he kept telling me to hit him as hard
as I could. I ran away because I am a lover not a fighter. Later,
I bought a poster of him at Best Buy and lit it on fire because deep down
inside, I really am hardcore.
- I spent weeks laboring over a new hip-hop production of a techno remix of
a Celine Dion pop song that was based off an old Disney musical. It
sucked as much as you think it would.
So, as you can see, it hasn't exactly been a leisurely ride for me over the
past few weeks. I'm not looking for pity here -- I just wanted to make
sure that I was keeping everyone out there in the loop. I'm not entirely
sure what that phrase means because some guy told me that once but I
punched him in the balls as I was in San Francisco at the time and I thought that
he was hitting on me. It turned out that he was my lawyer but that
still didn't explain all of the clown make-up that he was wearing. Still,
here's hoping that it won't be 30 more days until we speak again. |
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