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| 09.07.2007 - Anticipation: The Video | 12:52 PM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 4.7/5 (3 Votes) |
| NON-DESCRIPT CAVE, PAKISTAN (AP) -- Despite booming sales of bumper
stickers, flags, and pictures of eagles wearing both flags and
bumper stickers, America's pledge to "never forget" is starting to
look more and more like a distant memory. One man, however,
has taken that pledge seriously and as the sixth anniversary of
September 11th approaches, he plans on releasing a tremendously
sentimental anniversary video that he produced as a means to show
the world just how much he cares.
Osama Bin Laden, sometimes referred to as the "Tupac of Terrorism"
because of all the tapes he releases, is rumored to have been holed
up in his studio cave for weeks, laboring over his magnum opus in
a mad rush to get it completed and released before the big date.
Reportedly sporting a fresh new image -- ditching the camouflage
jacket for a more refined peach bedsheet and dying his
previously gray beard to appear more young and hip -- rumors and
speculation continue to abound as to what precisely the video will
contain.
"I haven't actually seen the tape myself," said a fellow Al Qaeda member
and neighbor cave dweller. "I know that he's been working real
hard on it, though, so I expect some great things."
"He's updated his image, sure," said Maxim fashion and music correspondant
Jeremy White, "but it would be great if he incorporated some other new
ideas into his videos. Him standing at the podium and yelling is
so passe. Get with the times, 'sama. At least get a hype man
or incorporate some women dancing to beats by Timbaland this time around.
He has yet to realize that sex sells."
Sources close to Bin Laden have hinted at some planned changes for his
latest release, including possible special guest appearances, though
nothing has been confirmed as of the report. Peter Jackson, who
helmed the Lord of the Rings trilogy was once attached to the project
as director but later dropped out due to creative differences. Nicolas
Cage was also recently on record saying that he was involved with the
project but given his recent track record, it's doubtful that he would
be included in anything that isn't complete shit.
"I'm really looking forward to the tracks he's laying down in his latest
release," says P. Diddy. "I mean, I know he's going to have the
standard 'death to America' stuff on there because that's what brings in
the crowd but he's always throwing down knowledge in the middle of his sets
to keep everyone on their toes. I mean, one minute he's all 'Jihad on
you infidels, I plan on killing you all' and then the next he's dropping
ill shit like 'Oh yeah, Ryan Seacrest is hosting the Emmy Awards -- how crazy
is that? It was sooooo unexpected.' so people know his stuff is current."
But not everyone is thrilled about the prospect of Bin Laden releasing
another tape. One former Al Qaeda frontman was quoted as saying, "You
know, I used to tour with OBL back in the 90's. This is total bullshit.
Nice to see that he's sold out to the masses and gone completely
mainstream after his big hit with 9/11."
"He's more last year than Britney Spears, and has less hair too!" said one
contact inside the Saudi government. "You know, the last of his videos
wasn't all that great so I'm predicting this one will go straight to DVD,"
said another.
Former Blink 182 and current +44 drummer Travis Barker went on record with Wolf Blitzer
after appearing on the show to talk about something completely unrelated.
"He's using Just for Men now. That's so vain. He needs to
spend more time leading the global jihad, not primping. Just goes to
show you everyone sells out. You used to be so hardcore Osama."
"Jesus, what a fucking cash-in," said movie super-reviewer Roger Ebert.
"He could have at least waited until the 10th Anniversary. I
just hope that he doesn't pull a George Lucas and go back to re-cut all
of his films later. You know, the digitally remastered edition where
the World Trade Center shoots first."
Lastly, one 9/11 widow spoke to a local reporter about her reaction to the
news. "With all that he's put into this, I really don't want to come off
as unappreciative. I mean, I'm sure the video is great -- it's just
that I expected a little more. I don't want to watch a home movie of him
talking about how great he is. I'm not even in it. What a horrible
anniversary present. Buy me some jewelry you cheap bastard."
As you can see, there is definitely some mixed opinions surrounding what
can only be described as one of the most anticipated video releases of the
year, just barely edging out that video on YouTube of the four black teenagers
humping furniture.
"You know, I'll just wait and watch the video before commenting," said
VH1 spokesperson Michael Dowry. "We have a joke around the office
about him being the greatest one-hit wonder of all time. Ok,
technically it was three hits but you get the idea." |
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