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| 09.20.2007 - New Rules #2 | 4:41 PM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 3.5/5 (2 Votes) |
| Rules: principles or regulations governing conduct, action, procedure,
or arrangement. Children hate them and rebels like to break them
but, as a society, they are necessary to keep us in line for without
them anarchy would reign supreme. Also, games of sudoku would become
ridiculously easy. But as with any system, there is always room
for suggestion and improvement.
When we last weighed in on what we though would be great additions to
society's rule set, we cracked down on old people, fat people, fat old
people, Paris Hilton, and ever expanding families. It was our
genuine desire that you, as citizens, would have produced your collective
notebooks and took these lessons to heart. You didn't, but I'm
pretty sure that's only because three people actually read what I write.
The fact that those three people didn't take any notes is something
I am going to have to take up with them after class. The test isn't
going to be open book, you know.
Still, we're not the type of people to let failure stand in our way.
We've compiled yet another list of rules that we feel will benefit
every card carrying member of society, presuming that said members can
read and/are visiting this website. Knowledge is power and if
everything I made up was true, I'd be He-Man but with more fashionable
clothes. But enough topic cock-blocking, let's get on to the
NEW RULES!
Rising Discourse: Stop trying to make small talk with me on the
elevator. I realize that inside that tiny of brain of yours, it's
quite likely that whatever small quip or quick joke you have on deck is
probably truly hilarious. I also realize that is probably why you
have an extremely limited social circle and have resorted to carrying on
conversations with strangers in elevators. Please, just stop. If
I wanted to establish a friendship with some stranger and have it last only
five minutes, I'd hire a hooker. The banter would be a lot more
interesting and at least I'd be getting sex out of it. Sure, I would
be paying money for the priviledge but at least I wouldn't be left with the
mental equivalent of blue balls. So unless you're going to start
offering up hand jobs to the next person you crack an unfunny joke to, I'd
advise you to practice on shutting the hell up.
Relative Finance: If your parents paid for or assisted in paying for
the majority of something, you immediately lose all bragging rights about
such. While I am extremely happy to hear about your fantastic wedding
or that first class cruise you just took, you sound like a complete douchebag
when you finally get around to mentioning that you had to request financing
from up the family chain. Sure, I can certainly admire that new BMW
that you just bought but you're still living at home, which kind of defeats
the entire purpose of having a cool car. Stop acting like you "made it"
when you can only afford nice things if your parents chip in.
Still Cinema: Ben Stiller needs to stop making romantic comedy movies.
While I can certainly appreciate that he has a knack for playing a
completely inept moron who somehow always snags the hottie, look Ben, we get
it. We all get it by now. It was funny when you did it in
"There's Something About Mary." That was 1998. It hasn't been since.
Just give up the whole trying to date/marry women thing and just go.
gay. At least we'd have something new to laugh about as you awkwardly
attempt to please a man and I am sure the Farrelly brothers would love to
finally have work again.
Double-sided Send-off: People need to stop waving good-bye with two
hands. I'm not sure whether this is a woman thing, an old thing, or a
rich, old, woman thing but what I do know is that it's damn annoying and
for the love of god, it needs to stop. Yes lady, I saw you the other
day leaving the restaurant waving good-bye to your friends. You used
both hands and, yes, I am still pissed off about it. You looked like
a retarded teenager waving good-bye to his special education instructor after
a hard day of trying to learn what letter comes after "c".
If this was some kind of misguided attempt to hold onto your youth,
you failed and managed to look like a fully grown idiot in the process.
Phone Holes: Please stop using cell phone problems as a plot device
for movies. While I understand that spotty coverage and horrible
battery life was commonplace a few years ago, this situation has largely
been rectified for years and is no longer credible in most scenarios.
If you are driving in downtown Los Angeles being chased by a
terrorist, I'm pretty sure that call to 911 will go through on the first
try. If not, it's likely due to shitty scriptwriting as opposed to
shitty cell service.
More Hip, Less Hop: Fans of hip-hop music need to stop getting so
damn exicited every time some rapper comes up with a new "dance." Just
because you're so damn fat that all you can manage to do is "lean back"
doesn't make it dancing. If you're a Mexican without rhythm, leaning
like a cholo might seem like a good idea but the reality is that you look
like something that just popped out of a wind up jack-in-the-box. Being
fat and uncoordinated isn't reason enough to come up with some new dance so
that you don't look like an idiot at the club and, truthfully, if there wasn't
some faggot rapping about it in his video, you wouldn't be caught dead doing
it. But feel free to keep on two stepping and soulja walking if you
must. I'll keep calling you Usher's retarded cousin.
And that's how we wrap up the second edition of new rules. Was it
better than the first? Who cares! Much like a wheelchair-bound
kleptomanic, you're going to sit there and take it because I said so.
Also, I will be back sometime later with volume number three. I
know this because I'm witty and people have as yet managed to not stop making
me want to kill them. But since killing is against the law, I won't
kill them but rather come up with rules for them to abide by so as they don't
make me want to break the law. Or something like that. Bureaucracy
wins again! |
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