 |
|
|
| 10.10.2007 - Introducing Johnny Truth | 4:03 PM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 5/5 (3 Votes) |
| Like most fine citizens of this equally fine country, I don't pay too
much attention to all of those executive orders that the President signs.
Frankly, as the head of an international corporation, I'm too busy
counting my many tax breaks and overworking those beneath me to really
care. I mean, as long as the cash keeps rolling in, who cares,
right? Wrong! You see, back in 1965 Lyndon Johnson signed
Executive Order 11246 which essentially states that I can't fire people
on the basis of them being fat or ugly and that I have to be really nice
to crippled people because not hiring them might hurt their feelings.
Where am I going with all of this? Thanks to EO #11246, it
turns out that my company is liable for wrongful dismissal should someone
feel that they weren't treated fairly. Like I was supposed to know
that someone being "a stupid bitch who won't have sex with me" isn't a
valid reason to fire them.
So, there I am in court getting sued. Well, not me personally but
now the corporation is under fire from this crazy woman and her lawsuit.
And she still won't have sex with me. Whatever. She
wasn't all that anyway. The judge takes a long, hard look at how
we've been operating and says that we need to "diversify our business."
I scoffed at his remark and told him that we already diversify,
as in I diversely invest the monies I skim off the profits into all kinds
of illegal but pleasurable industries. At this, he called me
stupid, fined me $10,000, and asked his bailiff to beat me about the
head for five minutes with his flashlight. He then clarified what he meant, saying
that if I didn't want to appear back in his courtroom, we as a company
should retool our hiring practices to be less discriminatory. I
had barely launched into asking the judge if being "less discriminatory"
meant hiring more douchebags like "that insane buttertroll who is suing me" before
the beatings began again. Television has truly failed me because I
never see shit like this happen on People's Court.
Thoroughly dazed and confused at this point, I figured it best to consult
with my crack legal squad on how to proceed rather than face another potential
beating at the hands of the bailiff and his Duracell-powered hammer of hurt.
Unfortunately, my crack legal squad is nothing more than a sock puppet
and a law book printed in 1845, which really only came in handy once when I
needed to find out whether it was legal to ride my horse to the saloon without
a saddle. So I asked the judge if he could please clarify, this time
without fracturing my brittle bones. After a lengthy sigh, he told me
that a diverse workplace includes "bringing color" to the office. He
totally did that two finger quotes thing, too. I thought that he meant
something like new wallpaper or a tropical plant but, thankfully, the
stenographer, tired of seeing me bloody and bruised, whispered in my ear
to "shut the fuck up and just hire some damn non-white people." At last,
someone in the courtroom was finally making sense. I mean, I hate white
people -- why the hell should I keep hiring them? So I began the
interview process. Thankfully, it wasn't long until I had my first
potential candidate in the office for some face-to-face time.
"Hi," I said and extended my hand, unsure of whether I was going to be forced
to sit through one of those intricate hand gesture greetings or not.
"Hello," came the reply, "I'm Johnny Williams. I'm here for the interview?"
"Ah, yes, the interview," I quipped, pretending that I was really busy and
hadn't just spent the past three hours surfing porn. "Please, have a seat."
Much to my relief, after a rather normal handshake, he took his seat and
we were off and running on this interview thing. I had urbandictionary.com
bookmarked just in case he threw anything out that I didn't quite understand.
"I have to admit that this is a pretty impressive application, Johnny.
Definitely one of the best, by far." I didn't feel like mentioning that
it was the only one we had. I read somewhere that you're supposed to
try and keep them on their toes during these kinds of things.
"Yeah, I was a little confused by the application, to be truthful."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it only asks one thing -- my race. And on top of that, it only
has one check box -- black."
"We here at the PNC take a very streamlined approach to root out what we
need. Nothing unnecessary -- except my salary, which isn't really
unnecessary at all when you figure in cost of living, recreational drugs,
the hourly rates for quality escorts, etc."
"I... don't..." came the stammered, uneasy reply.
"Oh," I said, "I'm sorry, where are my manners? Would it be easier for
you to understand me if each sentence I said rhymed like they do in music?"
"No."
"You sure? Here, let me try," I said with finality. "I eat
bovine off the clothesline any old time, 'can you hear me now?' as I end
with a rhyme. How was that?"
"Pardon my language, but what the fuck are you about? This is some
bullshit."
Another impressive interview tactic that I once read about was how to ignore
the candidate should he stray off-topic and keep things focused.
"So, what makes you think that you're qualified for the job?"
"Look man," Johnny said casually, "I don't have any idea. I don't even
know what this job is. I just need some work."
"Well, we placed an ad in the paper. Didn't you read that?"
"You call that an ad? All that shit said was, 'International corporation
seeking to employ one black person. However, since we are an equal
opportunity employer, we are willing to consider any and all who apply.
However, just between you and me, it'll really, really help if you are
black.' What the hell is the position for?"
"Well, it sounded a lot clearer to me when I typed it up but ok. What
we're looking for here is a reporter who isn't afraid of getting to the
heart of a real story or telling the truth regardless of the consequences."
"Oh, you mean like reporting to the Better Business Bureau about the
white cracker honky interviewing me only because I am black?"
"Yeah, something like that but only about true stuff. In this business,
you can't go around just making facts up. I like your enthusiasm though.
It really shows natural talent."
"I'd like to show you my natural talent at ass-whoopin'."
"Tupac once said 'I smoke weed to relieve the stress and deliver the bomb shit
from east to west.' Do you ever do that?"
"Do what?"
"I don't know, that. Whatever that meant."
"No."
"Because it would be pretty cool if you could do that, except maybe on a more
global scale than he did. You see, we're not just based in the United
States."
"No man," Johnny countered. "I don't do drugs and I am not a rapper."
"Ok, I am a little confused because your application said that you were black..."
"Enough of this shit, man!" Johnny yelled. "You are a fucking idiot and
I don't have to take this. I am about ready to walk out of here."
"Now, let's not be hasty and start pulling guns or anything. How about
I tell you a little bit about the company?"
"Yeah, sure, whatever," Johnny said, now staring at the wall and refusing
to look at me.
"Well, as we have discussed before, we are an international corporation with
offices all over the world. Where we are is the main headquarters -- or
campus -- which is spread over 40 acres and a--"
"Oh, let me guess," Johnny interrupted sarcastically, "40 acres and a mule."
"A mule? No. Not sure what a mule would have to do with business.
I mean, we had a giraffe once but he was more of a scientific experiment
than a business model."
"I just figured you were trying to throw in yet another racial stereotype
remark with your '40 acres' thing."
"Look," I said plainly, "if you're going to keep snapping at me, I will be more
than happy to end the interview."
"Alright, I need to be honest with you. I ran into some dude named Skip
Walker in the hallway. He asked if I was here for the interview and told
me to give you a hard time because you're mentally retarded. All that
shit before, that's not me, man."
"I don't understand..."
"Which is precisely what he said you would say. Man, you guys really are
something."
I was pretty sure that incidents like this were never covered in my end-all be-all
interview book and, truthfully, I didn't know how to proceed.
"You look all sorts of confused now," Johnny said casually. "Let me
break down a story and see if it helps. So, I got this friend who isn't
too bright, kind of like you. We were lookin' to get smoked up one
night and I told that fool to go get us a fat sack. This muthafucka
comes back with a bag of cellulite that he nabbed from some liposuction
clinic. I'm like, 'what the fuck I'm supposed to do with some lard' but
I was jonesin' so we chopped and cooked that shit. Had a hard time
rollin' it up but it smoked good. Shit felt like I was getting high
and eating fried food at the same time. What a trip."
"If I hire you," I finally managed, "we're going to need to come up with
something to call you. Johnny Williams just doesn't have the right
ring to it. Do you have any hood names or aliases?"
"In the street, I am known as bronchitis because my style is infectious
and when I am done, you'll have difficulty breathing."
"Really?"
"No, not really. I just made that shit up. That's the beauty
of street names. You can make up a new one every other day and people
think it's cool. You just gotta have a clever catchphrase to go with
it."
"Wow, that's pretty neat. So, I could have a street name?"
"Yeah, I guess. You could be like 'Wonder Faggot' or something."
"Oh, I was hoping for something a bit more... tough. Like, I could
be called 'Peer' for the way that I pressure the kids."
"Well, there is always next time."
"Ok, I think that I have seen just about everything I need, Johnny.
I would like to offer you the job of minority reporter. Do
you accept?"
"I guess so. I got nothing better to do today."
"Excellent. I now dub thee Johnny Truth. Welcome to the PNC!"
And with that, the interview ended in success and future EOE lawsuits
can now be avoided. Look for word of Johnny Truth's first PNC
assignment soon. You can email him at johnnytruth@pollestad.net. |
| | (3 comments) - Read Comments - Add Comment - Rate This Update |
|
| | RE: Introducing Johnny Truth (#1058) - [Reply To Comment]
by Wood (206.15.67.2) on October 10, 2007 (4:22 PM) PST | | First update in awhile that had me LOL. HA! I used LOL and there is nothing you can do about it! LOLOLOLOL!!!!111!! |
|
|
|
| RE: Introducing Johnny Truth (#1060) - [Reply To Comment]
by J.Truth (199.106.103.254) on October 11, 2007 (10:13 AM) PST | I'm glad that your cracker ass enjoyed reading all about my humiliating ordeal.
Fuck you, fuck that update, fuck this job. I'm just here to rob some mofukas and be out, bitch. |
|
|
|
RE: Introducing Johnny Truth (#1059) - [Reply To Comment]
by JFB (209.203.68.2) on October 10, 2007 (4:59 PM) PST | | Dude... fucking awesome... that cracked me up... |
|
|
|
|