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| 01.09.2008 - New Year, Old Jokes | 4:08 PM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 5/5 (1 Votes) |
| While it may come as a surprise to you, the P.Net Corporation's Web/Email
Updates/Shitty Stolen Jokes Routines are visited by over 1.7 million people
every single day. Unfortunately for us, we haven't been able to
actually turn this popularity into any kind of revenue stream, which
leads me to believe that the 1.7 million page views is really just three
old people with Alzheimer's Disease who have a knack for using the refresh
button. This also usually leads me to not getting a paycheck and
relying on dumpsters and small immigrant children for sustenance. No
one really misses them anyway. Actually, that's a lie. I'm
doing quite well for myself and spent the holidays eating my meals off the
backs of indentured servants while putting around the globe in luxury cars
fueled solely by your jealousy.
In fact, ever since I made the executive decision last year to shut the site
down for the rest of 2007, I've had nothing but free time and the blood of
those who have wronged me on my hands. Sure, I could have spent the copious
amounts of faineant time like any smart person would, writing and researching
things in order to continue to make this site bigger and better but I'm neither
smart nor a person, so those silly rules don't really apply to me. Also, the
writers are still on strike so there isn't any place for me to go and steal
new material from anyway. You're just going to have to tough it out and
come to terms with the fact that I write updates like married people have
sex, which is to say that you're lucky if you get something once a month and
even if you do, it's pretty much guaranteed to be a huge letdown.
However, since we've been apart for a little more than a month now, I feel that
it's very important that we get all caught up and get on the same page again.
I'm still only on page 62 because Hooked On Phonics never really worked
for me. So, what I am going to do is go first and tell you about all of
the neat stuff that I have been up to since we last talked. After I am
done and start tuning you out, you'll be given a chance to tell your side.
Ok? Cool. On with the show!
- I started work on my major motion picture, "No One Gets Out Alive", which
is basically just me lighting homeless people on fire and then making them fight
over a jug of water for a half hour.
- I flew to the Nike factory and personally thanked Inspector #22 for all his
hard work thus far on making sure that my shoes meet the minimal quality
requirements. I wanted to be sure to let him know that his attention to
detail all of these years hasn't gone unnoticed.
- It was buy one, get one free at the clinic so I bought two sex change
operations for myself as a gift for Christmas and now I am pretty much back to
where I started from.
- I waterboarded myself for a good three hours and still dont know whether it's
really torture or just a damn good time.
- I spent Hanukkah trapped inside Sarah Silverman's gigantic vaginal cavern and
barely made my escape only after stabbing her insides continuously with a cache
of dradels that I found.
- I started a "Send Beckham Home" grassroots campaign but gave up in disgust
once I realized that this is America and no one gives a crap about soccer yet.
- I ate oatmeal until I pissed my pants, which actually didn't take very long
because I had to go pretty bad before I sat down and started eating.
- I spent five nights in jail due to the fact that I shared pictures, descriptions,
and accounts of the game without the NFL's consent. I knew that it was
prohibited but I simply didn't care.
- I pillaged and eventually razed most of southern Montana just to see if I still
had it in me.
- I went on strike with the Writer's Guild but had to drop out after a few days
for fear that I might start forgetting letters of the alphabet.
- I obtained not just one but multiple sclerosis which I eventually sold on
eBay for a hefty profit.
- I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy because I know of at least
fifteen other ways to kill a person and I hate being repetitive.
- I told a joke back in July of 2006 and wound up spending three weeks answering
emails and phone calls from people who just now understood it congratulating me
on my exceptional level of humor.
- I set up a stand on my street corner with a sign saying "Information wants to
be free" but I charged people $1.00 to find out where to look for it.
So, as you can see, it was a pretty busy holiday season for me. When
you're as rich and popular as I am, there really is never a dull moment to be
had, which can be rather unfortunate for you if all you really want is a dull
moment. So, I think I've talked enough about what I have been up to.
I'm so excited to hear what has been going on with you. Just
let me put these headphones on. Ok, go ahead and tell me all about you.
I'm listening... |
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