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| 01.31.2008 - Hush Now, It's Quiet Time | 4:45 PM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 3/5 (1 Votes) |
| Ever since the start of the new year, things have been pretty quiet around the P.Net Campus. Skip Walker won't return my calls because his lawyer
thinks it's a bad idea, Art Dodger is missing in action after he pretended to die suddenly before running out of an open door, and Johnny Truth is out doing black person stuff which he claims I wouldn't understand. I'm
sure he's correct but that really doesn't make it right. So, where does this leave us? Well, since I'm far too lazy to do any of my own actual work, this leaves me with a lot of downtime and you shit out of luck as far as reading something interesting goes. I'm fairly certain that I am getting the better end of the deal here but I've been wrong in the past. Sure, the chance of it happening again is something like one in four
billion but I guess there is always a chance. There's also a chance that I might stop pissing my pants and masturbating hamsters for sport but that's about as likely as an elderly asian woman winning the "Driver of the Year" award.
A couple of years ago, I wrote an update that was dedicated to passing time around the
office when things are slow and many of my readers really enjoyed it. This
just goes to show that many of my readers are zoophiles and/or really enjoy
employee-on-intern violence. Sadly, that article was written during better
times and life around the campus isn't quite what it used to be. Gone
are the fun times of letting the attack dogs loose on the poor migrant workers
who tend to the landscaping or putting excess lead in the water supply. It
brings a tear to my eye. I used to think that the glory days would last
forever. Of course, I also used to think that rapeseed oil would help
me get laid but that also turned out to be false. I mean, why the hell
is it called that anyway? Rape seeds! I don't know about you but
I perfer a little something called truth in advertising with my marketable goods.
Sure, I lie about everything I sell but that doesn't mean you can.
But I suppose there is no sense in wallowing in my own pity. While it's
true that I am sitting here all alone in my gigantic executive CEO office with
nobody to play with but the three hired escorts and a kilo of Columbia's finest,
I did recently save a ton of money by switching to Geico for my insurance so I
suppose it's true that every sad tale has a silver lining. I mean, take
9/11 for instance. Yes, it was a gigantic tragedy involving the sacrifice
of four entire airplanes -- airplanes which many people worked really hard on
constructing -- we now have an insane deficit and extremely high gas prices.
While this might not seem like an upside to you, I would like to think that there
exists at least one person whose only pre-9/11 dream was to pay more in both
taxes and fuel. I bet he's somewhere right now happy as a clam and in that
way, I envy him. Personal freedoms are overrated anyway. Stop being
so goddamn selfish.
All good things take time and if there is one thing that I have a lot of, aside
from money and ravishing good looks, of course, is time. I also have quite
a bit of thyme as well but most of it is in the kitchen and I don't go in there
because I am not a woman and therefore don't cook meals or clean up afterwards.
So, given the time required for good things to come and my abundant
excess of it, perhaps the best advice would be to simply wait it out and weather
the storm. The glory days are bound to return and if by chance they don't,
well, they say that the captain is always supposed to go down with the ship.
However, this is a business not a ship so I don't really know how that
applies here. Besides, most boat captains are gigantic faggots. I would
rather give myself testicular cancer and beat myself senseless with a whiffle bat
than use the word "starboard" in a sentence willingly.
I guess it all really boils down to how much care is involved. You, as the
reader, have to care enough to keep things interesting for me and I have to care just
enough to not go on a murderous rampage at my local shopping mall. Such
things aren't as good for the economy as I was originally led to believe and it
really doesn't help things get written any faster. And while I might not be
able to pass the time like I used to, eventually the time will pass, the quiet
period will be over with, my employees will return to me with smiles on their
faces and the good times shall roll once again. They have to. Really,
it's all I have left. Well, that and this six pack of absinth. In
between blackouts I will try and keep my fingers crossed that "change gon' come."
Johnny Truth taught me that. And he said that I would never understand.
What an idiot. |
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