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| 10.29.2008 - P.Net Critic's Corner: The Science Fair | 12:37 PM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 5/5 (1 Votes) |
| If you've been reading these updates for any significant length of time, you no doubt already know that the employees of Pollestad.Net have a long history of making fun of anything and everything. You might even go so far as to call it a hobby but we'd rather you didn't because hobbies are for homosexuals. If you have to call it something, at least use the word "pastime" instead. Having said all of that, it should come as no surprise that this is the start of yet another new series dedicated solely to making fun of people and events, but this time with pictures!
Welcome to the first edition of the P.Net Critic's Corner, where I team up with urban superstar Johnny "Biggie Fries" Truth and we give you critical commentary on what stupid people are up to in the world. In this our world premiere, we pull no punches as we venture into the seedy underworld of educational learning. Prepare yourself for...
P.Net Critic's Corner presents The Science Fair!
RP: When I was growing up, science fairs were all about forced volunteerism and the idea that if you didn't do a project, you'd never pass fourth grade science. This, of course, led to a lot of us waiting until the last minute and quickly throwing together a baking soda volcano just to make the grade.
J.Truth: That or being the one kid who decided to water his plants with food coloring or soda and record the results. "My plant died when I gave it Pepsi."
J.Truth: Science demands variety!
RP: Thankfully, the new era of science fair projects has arrived and the P.Net crew is here to make fun of them. Be careful, Grandma, this ain't your daughter's science fair!
Teats: An Exhaustive Comparative Study
RP: Wow, this kid managed to do an entire project based around looking at boobs.
J.Truth: Check out that look he has going on. It's like even he can't believe that he got this project past the censors.
RP: He just sprung his largest erection to date and he can't wait to tell the world about it. I think that's what the graph at the bottom of his poster board details. "Inches obtained after looking at.."
J.Truth: Playboy ranks the highest, followed by Maxim. Pictures of mom is probably somewhere in the middle.
RP: I want to think that the picture of the cow is what ranks dead last but with kids these days, you never know. He did say that it was an exhaustive comparison.
RP: Project Purpose: To see if I like boobs.
J.Truth: Hypothesis: I think I will really like boobs.
RP: Procedure: I had my dad buy me all kinds of nudie magazines when it was his weekend for custody. Then I lied to mom and told her that I was doing my science fair project on cows.
J.Truth: Results: I read them all and jerked off a lot.
RP: Conclusion: I really do like boobs.
J.Truth: I'm seeing a lot of non-nude magazines laying on the table -- I'm hoping that his "Findings" binder is hiding all of the good stuff.
RP: Either that or sperm samples and used tissues.
This Project Stinks!!
J.Truth: "gass"
RP: How much money do you want to bet that this whole thing was her father's idea? She came home all excited about the science fair and asked her father to help her out but she caught him in the middle of a three week drinking binge.
J.Truth: She couldn't do a project based around yelling and throwing beer bottles at the wall so she settled for the next best thing that her dad is known for: farting.
RP: Can you imagine the look on the teacher's face the day Paige came bounding in to class and proudly announced that she was going to devote her entire science fair studies to eating beans, farting, and recording the results.
J.Truth: That's a proud moment in any teacher's career. Sure, we spent a whole quarter talking about global warming and the periodic table but farting, yeah, that's where the money is at.
RP: That's the instincts of our next generation of scientists. These aren't the "by the book" scientists of the past.
J.Truth: Do you notice how no one is really gathered around her project? The whole area probably smells like skunk and week-old nachos.
RP: The camera man was using 8x zoom so that he could stand across the room and still take the obligatory picture.
J.Truth: Look at that smirk. She looks like she's passing gas right now.
RP: A scratch-n-sniff science project. Why does she have a picture of a fishbowl on her backdrop?
J.Truth: "Ate Bush's barbecue beans and farted near the fishbowl. They showed no reaction. Dad, however, gave me a high-five."
RP: "Side note to experiment: I have not pooped in days. Stomach hurts."
J.Truth: This project stinks indeed.
Urolagnia: A Search For Gold
RP: This kid is my new personal hero.
J.Truth: This is proof that the internet is destroying our youth. I do not know how old this kid is but I think the idea of doing a science project based around golden showers should at least be off limits until high school.
RP: The "teats" project is pretty mild compared to this. I don't know how he managed to get a sexual fetish project past the judges.
J.Truth: He probably did it on a dare.
RP: A bunch of his friends were sitting around looking up piss videos on youtube and one challenged that no one could do the project and slip it by the teachers or parents.
J.Truth: He didn't have much going for him at school before this but now all the kids know him as that guy who did the project on pee. He's a local legend.
RP: Either that or he is one deranged child. I mean, look at that grin.
J.Truth: It looks like he just pissed on something off camera.
RP: Probably another kid's volcano project and he did it while yelling, "you're in my house now, bitch" at the top of his lungs.
J.Truth: I can handle the picture of the urine cup and the cat using the toilet but the picture of R. Kelly's album cover is just too much.
RP: Hey, do not dash this child's dream of one day becoming something that R. Kelly can pee on.
J.Truth: I wonder how many horribly awkward Craigslist postings will come before that day.
RP: "19 y/o M looking for gold. My cat likes to watch."
J.Truth: I make it rain, make it rain on 'dem.
RP: What's with the picture of the burning cross?
J.Truth: Who knows with this one. Maybe he has gonorrhea. Or he's a Klan member.
RP: "23 y/o WM - need other WM to assist in gold strike. Would prefer meeting at a rally. I like pee but racial intolerance is what really gets me off."
This brings to a close the inaugural edition of the P.Net Critic's Corner. Fret not though, if you are indeed fretting, since we're got more science fair projects in the archives and many other groups of people who are just asking to be criticized. Stay tuned! |
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