Bill Cosby once lamented that kids say the darnedest things and while most of us agree that this is true, it's not the full story. Kids have the potential to also write the darnedest things, too, among other kinds of things. Well, assuming that they have access to the proper tools and aren't retarded. Every year, as part of a standardized test for some districts in the southwestern United States, junior high school students are asked to write an essay on the topic of what their favorite memory is. These essays were recently published.

The way these kids write about their lives are examples of pure, undiluted humanity. The life and death of friends and family are written with an innocence that most adults would be envious of. There exists many examples of heartwarming stories about these children picking up the pieces after tragedy strikes and the youthful glee that just being young brings. The vast majority of these essays were well-written for the age group; coherent, entertaining, and providing me some semblance of genuine hope for the next generation.

This update is not about those papers.

For every 100 budding Shakespeare wannabes compiling paragraph after paragraph of intelligently written prose, there exists one amazing individual eager to display just how much school and life has failed him/her. I have compiled some of these shining examples below and provided context to the story when necessary. Typos and punctuation have been left unaltered. Read on and enjoy. (Note that the snippets below are from many different essays and each piece should be taken on it's own as it's not related to any other piece in this list.)

What is your favorite memory?

First, let's start with some essay titles:

The time a bug got in my ear

My Donkey, Jose

DAY I GOT COOKIE

Sandals and a dumb hat!

The day my mom YELLED AT ME FOR SOMTHING I DIDN’T DO

My Rifle

Now, let's move on to how some of these essays opened:

"What is your favorite memory? I don’t really have a favorite memory. What I do have is what you would call a favorite." (He then goes on to describe his favorite memory.)

"My favorite memory is when my grandma die."

"My favorite memory is when my step-brother Ruben ran into a light pole."

"Once it was a time where I had a baseball game."

"I think the best thing that ever happened to me was, when I broke my arm."

"For starters, my name is Claire Martin and when I say I, I’m referring back to my name."

"My favorite memory is my brain, because it let’s me memory’s alot of things."

Some children spent time talking about their families:

"I remember the times grandpa told me to jump off the edge in a video game and get a secret level, but all that would do is kill my guy."

"At the end of the week, Jerry my brother told me I would be getting a surprise at first I thought he was going to hit me in the crotch. But insted he gave me a new skateboard (a complete deck) with gernade bairings with a world industries board, wheels, and tracks. Then Jerry hit me in the crotch."

One kid dreaded getting a shot because his older brother had convinced him the needle would take his soul.

(Written in neat, flowery cursive)
"I'm 8years old & my life was always good because I would run streets with my dad. He's my heart. Hater's called me a "daddy's girl." Our bond is as thick as a brickwall attacked by a bulldozer."

One little girl starts out her essay by describing her day at Church with mom, a few days before Christmas. They come home to find the dad on the couch in front of the TV and he has finished off half of a 32-pack of beers. Mom comments that she doesn't like him drinking on "God’s day," and takes the remaining beer to the kitchen, opens them, and starts pouring them down the drain. The father walks over and slaps the mother "so hard she fell down," then sets the Christmas tree on fire, along with the presents. Give that a moment to set in. He burned down the fucking Christmas tree. But we're still talking about the kid's favorite memory, right? So what gives? "It was my favorite memory because that's what made my mom divorce my dad."

"The difficalt thaning that I thought is geting in troble by my dad. One day my dad got me a new gun. Then I was relouding it. When I shot my dog in the leg. So my dad said wy is the dog cring becasce I shot it in the leg."

Some snippets had me second-guessing sanity:

"The sound of Ms. Julies name just makes me want to stab myself in the chest."

"Have you ever seen a bottlerocket hit a person in the head? It’s funny."

In this essay, while on a roller coaster, one kid threw up, which at the speed they were traveling, hit the man behind him. This man threw up as well, hitting the girl behind him. "I know its kind of mean and really gross but that is my favorite memory. being able to spend a hole day with my dad and making all those people blow chunks."

"When this girl asked me out. She was the most hot girl in class. She had sandy brown hair, big red lips, and a perfect body." (The essay was all about his first day of Kindergarten.)

"Have you ever seen America’s funniest home videos when the men/women drop a turkey in the pan and start a grease fire? Well that’s not funny it happened to my sister."

"As my feet were so hot on a hot and Sunny Beach in South Pondra Inland. O'boy was I haveing fun then frist we when't go play in the awter. Then we were picking seashells from the bottom of the ocean there was blue, white, red, and colorful. Then we bared my cusie in the sand he started yelling get off me but there was no one on him we told him it was the sand then we put a jellyfish on him."

What the hell are you trying to say?

"One day I was at school having a great time. Until my friend Maria had doin something horrible thing. That when very thing happen."

"One time when I was little. I remember the my mom and my Aound tell me to stop yomping in the Bead Bed I did not listen to my Aeond and to my mom And I ckeep yomping in the Bead and I Fail down and bern my self. Because it was in the Bead one of dose things to do the hear. And I learn my self."

"My favorite memory was when my friend GOGO China, Taco Bell, and this girls house."

"you know your greats-funs time. that going to be your favorite memory well be. I don't know completely. For me it was asking a gril out."

As you may have gathered from the title of this update, the above only consists of part one of these great essay snippets. Part two should follow tomorrow and contain great segments like typos that ruin everything, things that make me smile, amazing word usage, and morals/lessons that were learned from all of this. Children really are our future and tomorrow just so happens to be in the future also, so maybe you will meet some of these children tomorrow. If you do, be sure to email me and tell me all about it.