I will admit that I am a sucker for a good deal. Unfortunately, I'm also really stupid and impulsive so I often mistake things for being good deals that really aren't. This is partly the reason why I now have fifteen spider monkeys living in my basement. Sure, they were cheap but they're loud and they bite me whenever I try and do my laundry. I think one even stole my television remote a few weeks back and now I'm stuck watching Fox News 24 hours a day.
Flash forward to yesterday. I'm out and about at the mall looking to add another Milli Vanilli t-shirt to my collection when I stumbled across a vintage bookstore that I swear used to be a Crate & Barrel. In the window they are advertising a rare edition of the bible for sale. The sticker says: "Autographed. Cheap!" An autographed edition of the bible!? And it's cheap? I'd be a complete sucker to pass this up.
Now, this would normally be the part of the story where I tell you that after taking my new purchase home, I found out that the "autograph" turned out to be the name of some bored seven year old and that "cheap" didn't really mean what I thought it did, but this time there is a twist. A happy twist like what Sprite did with lemon and lime. I began reading through a few of my favorite passages when I noticed that they weren't quite what I remembered. While the overall tone of the bible remained unchanged from the King James version we all know and love, certain passages come across very different in my edition.
Below, I have compiled a list of my most recent discrepancy discoveries for you to study and learn from. I've included the original King James version for reference.
King James: And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
My Copy: And God said, Let there be light but no light was immediately forthcoming so the lord expanded on his previous statement by adding "because light helps me see so that I can do a better job when I work and not strain my eyes while I am creating the world because of low visibility." Light came shortly after that.
- Genesis 1
King James: The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
My Copy: The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want except on those rare occasions when McDonald's brings back the McRib sandwich. I know that those things are bad for me but I don't go that often and when I do, I order a diet Coke, so it's OK.
- Psalms 23
King James: Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
My Copy: Thou shalt have no other gods before me but I understand that I am a little late to the game here so if thou did have a god before me, thou should have used protection and/or made sure that thou god was clean and disease free. Judgment day will come early if I find out that thou is hiding something from me.
- Exodus 20
King James: Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come.
My Copy: Hallowed be thy name unless, by chance, thy mother hath named thy something extremely different in which case whatever she said will actually be thy name instead of Hallowed. Personally, Hallowed sounds like a pretty stupid name so if thy mother did actually name you Hallowed, thy should seek council from the local court to have it changed. Thy kingdom come only after you win the lottery and find a good deal on a recent foreclosure.
- Matthew 6
King James: Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.
My Copy: Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself except in cases where such love would be constituted as rape and thus against the law.
- Galatians 5
King James: Thou art not far from the kingdom of God.
My Copy: Thou art not far from the kingdom of God but just in case you get lost, keep going south on the freeway until the you pass the Mini Golf Emporium. Take the next exit and you go west through for three stoplights. Thou should see a Red Roof Inn but be not be tempted by the enticement of "free color TV" and "air conditioning" for these things should never cost money. Plus, I hear they have bed bugs. Anyway, hang your next left and I'm the kingdom at the end of the street. The one with the rubber duckies on the mailbox. You can't miss it.
- Mark 12
King James: Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.
My Copy: Who hath ears to hear, let him hear unless you're talking about state secrets or your medical test results. While I am sure that herpes matters to you and your partner, it matters not to me while I am trying to eat my dinner next to you.
- Matthew 13
King James: He hath filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he hath sent empty away.
My Copy: He hath filled the hungry with good things because it's a widely accepted fact that poor people like to be treated like piggy banks; and the rich he hath sent empty away save for the fact that, you know, they're rich and they probably had the ability to purchase whatever they wanted. This includes poor people.
- Luke 1
King James: He said unto him, What is written in the law? How readest thou?
My Copy: He said unto him, What is written in the law? How readest thou? I only ask because if thou reads like I write, we're both going to be a world of trouble. I mean, that last question didn't even make sense. I'm pretty sure that "readest" isn't even a real word. Yet I used it anyway and that has shown thou my power.
- Luke 10
King James: And he said unto me, It is done.
My Copy: And he said unto me, It is done but, in the interest of full disclosure, I really did a half-ass job because I went out drinking last night and I have a hangover of epic proportions. To be frank, I was just trying to get it done but thou may want to have someone double check my work because it's probably wrong. Does thou have any Tylenol?
- Revelation 21
King James: And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.
My Copy: And as ye would that men should do to you, especially in prison, do ye also to them likewise or you might wind up as someone's bitch and be forced to do ye also to them a lot more often. Being sold for cartons of cigarettes is humiliating.
- Luke 6
King James: Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing.
My Copy: Editor's note: we need to fill up a bunch of space here and we're close to a deadline. Do you think you could just come up a few random words and string them together? They don't even have to make sense because we're in the middle of the bible now and I doubt anyone is paying attention that closely. This is the slow part, right? Just before the final battle? You do still plan on including the final battle scene, right? That totally makes the book.
- Matthew 5
The more I read this edition, the more I find differences, so this is by no means a finalized list. I am going to try and compile more in the future because I really have nothing better to do with my time. I hope to be able to provide a more complete list soon before the spider monkeys overtake me. They don't think that I can hear them plotting but I can.
Flash forward to yesterday. I'm out and about at the mall looking to add another Milli Vanilli t-shirt to my collection when I stumbled across a vintage bookstore that I swear used to be a Crate & Barrel. In the window they are advertising a rare edition of the bible for sale. The sticker says: "Autographed. Cheap!" An autographed edition of the bible!? And it's cheap? I'd be a complete sucker to pass this up.
Now, this would normally be the part of the story where I tell you that after taking my new purchase home, I found out that the "autograph" turned out to be the name of some bored seven year old and that "cheap" didn't really mean what I thought it did, but this time there is a twist. A happy twist like what Sprite did with lemon and lime. I began reading through a few of my favorite passages when I noticed that they weren't quite what I remembered. While the overall tone of the bible remained unchanged from the King James version we all know and love, certain passages come across very different in my edition.
Below, I have compiled a list of my most recent discrepancy discoveries for you to study and learn from. I've included the original King James version for reference.
King James: And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
My Copy: And God said, Let there be light but no light was immediately forthcoming so the lord expanded on his previous statement by adding "because light helps me see so that I can do a better job when I work and not strain my eyes while I am creating the world because of low visibility." Light came shortly after that.
- Genesis 1
King James: The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
My Copy: The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want except on those rare occasions when McDonald's brings back the McRib sandwich. I know that those things are bad for me but I don't go that often and when I do, I order a diet Coke, so it's OK.
- Psalms 23
King James: Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
My Copy: Thou shalt have no other gods before me but I understand that I am a little late to the game here so if thou did have a god before me, thou should have used protection and/or made sure that thou god was clean and disease free. Judgment day will come early if I find out that thou is hiding something from me.
- Exodus 20
King James: Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come.
My Copy: Hallowed be thy name unless, by chance, thy mother hath named thy something extremely different in which case whatever she said will actually be thy name instead of Hallowed. Personally, Hallowed sounds like a pretty stupid name so if thy mother did actually name you Hallowed, thy should seek council from the local court to have it changed. Thy kingdom come only after you win the lottery and find a good deal on a recent foreclosure.
- Matthew 6
King James: Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.
My Copy: Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself except in cases where such love would be constituted as rape and thus against the law.
- Galatians 5
King James: Thou art not far from the kingdom of God.
My Copy: Thou art not far from the kingdom of God but just in case you get lost, keep going south on the freeway until the you pass the Mini Golf Emporium. Take the next exit and you go west through for three stoplights. Thou should see a Red Roof Inn but be not be tempted by the enticement of "free color TV" and "air conditioning" for these things should never cost money. Plus, I hear they have bed bugs. Anyway, hang your next left and I'm the kingdom at the end of the street. The one with the rubber duckies on the mailbox. You can't miss it.
- Mark 12
King James: Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.
My Copy: Who hath ears to hear, let him hear unless you're talking about state secrets or your medical test results. While I am sure that herpes matters to you and your partner, it matters not to me while I am trying to eat my dinner next to you.
- Matthew 13
King James: He hath filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he hath sent empty away.
My Copy: He hath filled the hungry with good things because it's a widely accepted fact that poor people like to be treated like piggy banks; and the rich he hath sent empty away save for the fact that, you know, they're rich and they probably had the ability to purchase whatever they wanted. This includes poor people.
- Luke 1
King James: He said unto him, What is written in the law? How readest thou?
My Copy: He said unto him, What is written in the law? How readest thou? I only ask because if thou reads like I write, we're both going to be a world of trouble. I mean, that last question didn't even make sense. I'm pretty sure that "readest" isn't even a real word. Yet I used it anyway and that has shown thou my power.
- Luke 10
King James: And he said unto me, It is done.
My Copy: And he said unto me, It is done but, in the interest of full disclosure, I really did a half-ass job because I went out drinking last night and I have a hangover of epic proportions. To be frank, I was just trying to get it done but thou may want to have someone double check my work because it's probably wrong. Does thou have any Tylenol?
- Revelation 21
King James: And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.
My Copy: And as ye would that men should do to you, especially in prison, do ye also to them likewise or you might wind up as someone's bitch and be forced to do ye also to them a lot more often. Being sold for cartons of cigarettes is humiliating.
- Luke 6
King James: Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing.
My Copy: Editor's note: we need to fill up a bunch of space here and we're close to a deadline. Do you think you could just come up a few random words and string them together? They don't even have to make sense because we're in the middle of the bible now and I doubt anyone is paying attention that closely. This is the slow part, right? Just before the final battle? You do still plan on including the final battle scene, right? That totally makes the book.
- Matthew 5
The more I read this edition, the more I find differences, so this is by no means a finalized list. I am going to try and compile more in the future because I really have nothing better to do with my time. I hope to be able to provide a more complete list soon before the spider monkeys overtake me. They don't think that I can hear them plotting but I can.
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