The pregame coin-toss has been replaced by a furious game of Connect Four in order to determine who will get the ball first.

Players will no longer be cited for "excessive celebration" after a touchdown provided that they are wearing a top hat and incorporate tap dancing into their routine. The scoring team may be given an extra two points if the referees feel that the dance was exceptionally choreographed.

If a team has suffered more than three straight losses, their touchdowns are now worth more points (10 instead of 6) in order to help everyone have a chance to succeed.

Field goals are now worth 15 points if it's extremely windy.

Successfully tickling the quarterback for ten straight seconds will now result in the loss of ten yards whereas previously that same behavior would end up with the defensive player being punched in the face.

Helmets are now optional for certain defensive positions provided that the player is suitably ugly and/or already disfigured.

Coaches are now allowed to wear wife-beaters on the sidelines during a game provided that the team is from the south and the garment is officially licensed by the NFL.

Teams can now substitute players for cheerleaders if they are ahead by more than 20 points.

Streakers are fair game for both players and coaches. If he/she remains on the field for more than 10 seconds without being tackled, the home team will be penalized for having too many players on the field.

White people are no longer allowed to play running back. Look, we gave you plenty of chances but it's really not working out.

In order for a receiver to establish possession of the ball after a catch, the player will now be asked to provide a proof-of-purchase and a paper receipt dated within 48 hours of game time. The defense may legally take the wide receiver to court to fight for custody if the paperwork is not in order.

Each team is allowed to turn the field sprinklers on once per game for the duration of a single play.

Referees are no longer contractually obligated to pay attention to the game and are free to base their calls solely on what feels right at the time.

All instant replays are now required to be shown in Matrix "bullet time" style.

Timeouts no longer mean a stoppage of play but rather the the team that calls for it gets to pick one opposing player who has been naughty to go sit in a chair on the sidelines all by himself until he's ready to correct his behavior.

Growing marijuana on the sidelines is now allowed provided that the team plants enough to share with everyone.

In the event that a team is short some players due to injury, the team is now allowed to substitute horses for players provided that the horse is both wearing a jersey and declares himself eligible to the referee prior to the start of the play.

If a defensive lineman is rushing towards the quarterback, the offensive lineman is allowed to ask a the oncoming player to say a number between 1 and 100. If the number the defensive player says matches the number the offensive lineman was thinking of, he will be allowed pass unobstructed.

Coaches are no longer allowed to yell at players who perform poorly because it might hurt their feelings and it's probably the coaches fault anyway.

Players caught sharing pictures, descriptions, or accounts of the game without the NFL's express written consent will be forced to wear pink socks during the next home game.

Criminal records are now mandatory for all starting players.

If a player successfully manages to eat an entire football during halftime, his team will be awarded four extra points.

Overtime will now be determined by a hot dog eating contest.

Teams are allowed to have more than 11 players playing at any one time if they can provide documentation and proof that the public school system failed to adequately prepare them to count to numbers higher than 9.

Any team caught wasting Gatorade will be penalized five yards.

Teams are now allowed to call the "Propecia" play once per half and if the quarterback successfully throws a football through a tire swinging on a tree, they get five points.

Special teams now have to have at least one mentally challenged person on the roster.

Coaches are now allowed to drink Coors Light any time during a game in order to make it easier for the company to make future commercials.

Medical carts can now be used by any team provided that the play calls for it.

Playing college football is no longer a requirement for being drafted into the NFL because, let's face it, football isn't really a thinking man's sport.