Look, I'm not going to waste a lot of time here beating around the bush, mostly because viciously punching and kicking garden plants does little or nothing to help write these updates. Instead, I am going to do something I don't normally do and get straight to the point. Well, straight enough to the point. I have been drinking, after all, and getting straight to anything is downright difficult even during the best of circumstances. These circumstances, the ones to which I am currently talking about right now, are anything but the best.
You see, it's not often that I am wrong. In fact, I am pretty sure that there has been only one proven instance of me being wrong in my lifetime and that involved a situation where I thought I was wrong but it turned out that I was actually right so maybe that one doesn't really count. Of course, this train of thought is, sadly, not widely held by anyone who isn't me. These other, more educated people like to refer to my record of rightness as stubbornness or plain ignorance but the truth is that those people are gigantic faggots and who better to speak about the "truth" than me, someone who is never wrong? No one. Last I checked, it's not a crime to throw a temper tantrum until you get your way. So what's this all about, anyway?
As some of you may recall, earlier this year, I talked about how busy I was. Busy keeping it real. In fact, I was so busy keeping it real that not only was I redefining the maximum amount that one could keep real -- which is no small feat -- it was also interfering with my ability post timely updates to my website describing all of the stuff that I had recently been right about. Keeping things real is serious business. Well, haters will be haters and it didn't take long for people to climb out of the woodwork in an attempt to prove that I wasn't keeping it real enough or that I was going about it all wrong. They would provide me links to other sites that also claimed to be keeping it real but who's activities varied wildly from my own. Well, in an effort to clear my good name and silence those who would criticize me out of sheer jealously, I guess it's up to me to discredit these related links the only way I know how: through cheap shots and sarcasm. Also, I may make a joke or two about the website's mother or perhaps joke about the fact that the website might enjoy sleeping with people of the same sex. Basically, whatever works to prove my point.
Welcome to the Keeping It Real battle, 2009 Edition.
Contender #1: keepin' it REAL (kiR)
First up, we have the wonderfully retarded folks at keepin' it REAL (kiR), a site that bills itself as a "culturally grounded drug prevention curriculum for grades 6-9." Unfortunately, it also looks like a site that was designed by grades 6-9 because the color scheme and the random usage of the bold HTML tag is enough to make me want to stick my head in a meat grinder. Certainly not a quality one would normally associate with something that has been kept so real. Once the nausea subsided, however, I decided to take a deeper look at the website to judge if it really was the holy grail of realness.
At first glance, it would seem like they might be the epitome of real. Constantly misspell the word 'keeping'? Check. Use an apostrophe in place of the letter g in an effort to appeal to today's youth? Check. Capitalizing every instance of the word REAL to really drive your point home? Triple check. This site is definitely REAL. Unfortunately for them, their use of the word REAL turns out to actually be an acronym, which stands for refuse, explain, avoid, lease. Or, basically, teaching your kid to be a gigantic pussy whenever the cool kids are around. If you check out the curriculum link, they further break down the acronym and give specific examples of how kids should avoid using drugs and alcohol.
Contender #2: Keeping It Real
Next up, the winner of the longest television show name in history is the geniuses behind "Keeping it Real: Walking the Halls of Colorado High Schools," which is a prime television show for Colorado teens. More correctly, according to the "About Us" page, "Keeping It Real is the ONLY show in Colorado." Jesus, I'm sorry. While I am sure that statement is wildly inaccurate, they seem to believe it, so strike one against the realness factor of this site. On other hand, if it's true, well, it's not like I needed another reason to feel bad for Colorado. Scrolling down the "About Us" page, they dedicate a large portion of the content to talking about the "KEEPING IT REAL STAFF," listing schooling credentials and other professional accolades. If you are to believe everything that you read, it would seem like there are a lot of really educated people on the staff of that show. Sadly, none of them were apparently smart enough to come up with a better show title than "Keeping It Real." Realness strike two.
The rest of the site is dedicated to linking to various other sites, pictures of a black guy riding a horse, and blogs. All sites down with the realness need blogs. Blogs that are updated frequently. (Another sign that they may not be keeping it entirely real.) Unfortunately for them, almost all of the blogs and content posts have exactly zero comments or user feedback. Shit, if having a website with a ton of retarded content but virtually no user feedback is all it takes to keep it real, well, I've been keeping it pretty damn real for more than a decade now. Comparison to Pollestad.Net confirmed. Realness strike three. You're out.
Contender #3: Keepin' It Real
I will admit that in an effort to maintain what little sanity I have left, I didn't spend long on this site so I really can't go into a lot of detail as to what is going on here. I'm guessing it's a blog of some sort about a soccer team in Salt lake City. Well, that's two realness strikes right there. While I do admit that I get a chuckle from the thought of a bunch of Mormons running around playing sports, the idea that the Mormon church could organize anything beyond an anti-gay marriage fundraiser is scary. We certainly don't need them training and working out. Before you know it, we'll have an army of super-fit Mormons ready to take over the world and stomp out the gay agenda once and for all. Well, in between games of soccer that is. State of Utah: you have to first obtain a level of realness before you can work on keeping it.
Contender #4: Keepin' It Real (2001) (movie)
Keepin' It Real is a movie that was released in 2001 and stars a bunch of people that you have probably never heard of. It was directed by someone I never heard of, who went off to direct other movies I've never heard of and based upon his work with this movie, I can only assume that each new project was an absolute box office success. To add to the realness of factor of Keepin' It Real: The Movie, the director managed to procure the walk-on cameo services of well-known rapper Kurupt and well-known extremely large black man "Tiny" Lister. Neither of them succeed in helping this movie obtain more levels of realness keeping. The movie boasts a score of 2.7/10 and the currently listed user review at the bottom of the page is titled "keepin it fake." I couldn't have said it any better myself.
So, as you can see, while there are a good amount of people out there claiming to keep it real one way or another, after the most cursory of investigations, it becomes clear that these same people have no fucking idea what they are talking about. Keeping it real is a way of life, not something you can slap on some business idea in an effort to appeal to children. Those of us who are out there keeping it real daily don't need reminders or enroll in programs to know how to do it. We already are.
The case of Pollestad v. Other Idiots Claiming To Keep It Real is closed. Winner: me.
You see, it's not often that I am wrong. In fact, I am pretty sure that there has been only one proven instance of me being wrong in my lifetime and that involved a situation where I thought I was wrong but it turned out that I was actually right so maybe that one doesn't really count. Of course, this train of thought is, sadly, not widely held by anyone who isn't me. These other, more educated people like to refer to my record of rightness as stubbornness or plain ignorance but the truth is that those people are gigantic faggots and who better to speak about the "truth" than me, someone who is never wrong? No one. Last I checked, it's not a crime to throw a temper tantrum until you get your way. So what's this all about, anyway?
As some of you may recall, earlier this year, I talked about how busy I was. Busy keeping it real. In fact, I was so busy keeping it real that not only was I redefining the maximum amount that one could keep real -- which is no small feat -- it was also interfering with my ability post timely updates to my website describing all of the stuff that I had recently been right about. Keeping things real is serious business. Well, haters will be haters and it didn't take long for people to climb out of the woodwork in an attempt to prove that I wasn't keeping it real enough or that I was going about it all wrong. They would provide me links to other sites that also claimed to be keeping it real but who's activities varied wildly from my own. Well, in an effort to clear my good name and silence those who would criticize me out of sheer jealously, I guess it's up to me to discredit these related links the only way I know how: through cheap shots and sarcasm. Also, I may make a joke or two about the website's mother or perhaps joke about the fact that the website might enjoy sleeping with people of the same sex. Basically, whatever works to prove my point.
Welcome to the Keeping It Real battle, 2009 Edition.
Contender #1: keepin' it REAL (kiR)
First up, we have the wonderfully retarded folks at keepin' it REAL (kiR), a site that bills itself as a "culturally grounded drug prevention curriculum for grades 6-9." Unfortunately, it also looks like a site that was designed by grades 6-9 because the color scheme and the random usage of the bold HTML tag is enough to make me want to stick my head in a meat grinder. Certainly not a quality one would normally associate with something that has been kept so real. Once the nausea subsided, however, I decided to take a deeper look at the website to judge if it really was the holy grail of realness.
At first glance, it would seem like they might be the epitome of real. Constantly misspell the word 'keeping'? Check. Use an apostrophe in place of the letter g in an effort to appeal to today's youth? Check. Capitalizing every instance of the word REAL to really drive your point home? Triple check. This site is definitely REAL. Unfortunately for them, their use of the word REAL turns out to actually be an acronym, which stands for refuse, explain, avoid, lease. Or, basically, teaching your kid to be a gigantic pussy whenever the cool kids are around. If you check out the curriculum link, they further break down the acronym and give specific examples of how kids should avoid using drugs and alcohol.
1. REFUSE - Simply saying "no" to substance use offers.They claim that each of these strategies have been "used to successfully resist offers of substance use without becoming social outcasts." Newsflash: websites lie. Your kid is going to face a lifetime of rejection if they follow these guidelines, leaving them horribly scarred and mentally unstable. Before you know it, they are going to walk into their job at the gas station and just randomly fire on anyone in the surrounding area before quietly ending his own life. No one will know why he did it and everyone will say that he was a good kid. The one thing they won't be saying is that he "kept it real" because this entire website is the exact opposite of keeping it real. Case closed.
So, I'm confused because they put "no" in quotation marks. Is that like air quotes? Does no really mean yes? Like if someone offers you drugs, you say "no" but with a real sarcastic tone and you wink at them real slowly to inform them that yes, you would actually like some drugs but you would rather go around the corner to some place more private. If that's the case, I say kudos to this program because it's teaching kids real-life skills, like how to beat a conviction because you tried to buy speed from an undercover officer who was wired. Hey, you said "no" right?
2. EXPLAIN - Giving more elaborate reasons for refusal (such as "I have asthma and I can’t smoke anything.") This strategy stresses the importance of dealing with others in a respectful, non-confrontational manner.
"Excuse me, drug dealer, I do believe that I already declined your offer to inject narcotics but you keep pestering me about this. While I realize that doing this will enable my cool status and allow me to hang out with you and your drug friends, I must respectfully decline your offer in this non-confrontational manner because I have asthma." What the fuck? You're teaching the kid to make up some elaborate lie in order to avoid taking drugs? And to try and deal with it in a non-confrontational manner? I don't know about how school is these days but I am still pretty certain that drug dealers don't go around bullying kids and force-feeding them drugs against their will. (Hot cheerleaders notwithstanding.) Also, asthma is no laughing matter and I think this website is being very disrespectful to people with that condition by dragging them in to some kid's substance abuse problem. Besides, wouldn't it be easier to teach the kids that they will be horribly unpopular and have no fun in school if they follow any of these guidelines instead of teaching them how to lie about their dark secrets?
The last two, AVOID and LEAVE are very similar in that they tell you to avoid places where drugs might be used or offered and to leave same situations once you realize people are abusing substances. OK, so you should never actually attend school, parties, the movie theater, and house parties. Also, don't bother going home ever again. Your mother is freebasing. Trust me.
Contender #2: Keeping It Real
Next up, the winner of the longest television show name in history is the geniuses behind "Keeping it Real: Walking the Halls of Colorado High Schools," which is a prime television show for Colorado teens. More correctly, according to the "About Us" page, "Keeping It Real is the ONLY show in Colorado." Jesus, I'm sorry. While I am sure that statement is wildly inaccurate, they seem to believe it, so strike one against the realness factor of this site. On other hand, if it's true, well, it's not like I needed another reason to feel bad for Colorado. Scrolling down the "About Us" page, they dedicate a large portion of the content to talking about the "KEEPING IT REAL STAFF," listing schooling credentials and other professional accolades. If you are to believe everything that you read, it would seem like there are a lot of really educated people on the staff of that show. Sadly, none of them were apparently smart enough to come up with a better show title than "Keeping It Real." Realness strike two.
The rest of the site is dedicated to linking to various other sites, pictures of a black guy riding a horse, and blogs. All sites down with the realness need blogs. Blogs that are updated frequently. (Another sign that they may not be keeping it entirely real.) Unfortunately for them, almost all of the blogs and content posts have exactly zero comments or user feedback. Shit, if having a website with a ton of retarded content but virtually no user feedback is all it takes to keep it real, well, I've been keeping it pretty damn real for more than a decade now. Comparison to Pollestad.Net confirmed. Realness strike three. You're out.
Contender #3: Keepin' It Real
I will admit that in an effort to maintain what little sanity I have left, I didn't spend long on this site so I really can't go into a lot of detail as to what is going on here. I'm guessing it's a blog of some sort about a soccer team in Salt lake City. Well, that's two realness strikes right there. While I do admit that I get a chuckle from the thought of a bunch of Mormons running around playing sports, the idea that the Mormon church could organize anything beyond an anti-gay marriage fundraiser is scary. We certainly don't need them training and working out. Before you know it, we'll have an army of super-fit Mormons ready to take over the world and stomp out the gay agenda once and for all. Well, in between games of soccer that is. State of Utah: you have to first obtain a level of realness before you can work on keeping it.
Contender #4: Keepin' It Real (2001) (movie)
Keepin' It Real is a movie that was released in 2001 and stars a bunch of people that you have probably never heard of. It was directed by someone I never heard of, who went off to direct other movies I've never heard of and based upon his work with this movie, I can only assume that each new project was an absolute box office success. To add to the realness of factor of Keepin' It Real: The Movie, the director managed to procure the walk-on cameo services of well-known rapper Kurupt and well-known extremely large black man "Tiny" Lister. Neither of them succeed in helping this movie obtain more levels of realness keeping. The movie boasts a score of 2.7/10 and the currently listed user review at the bottom of the page is titled "keepin it fake." I couldn't have said it any better myself.
So, as you can see, while there are a good amount of people out there claiming to keep it real one way or another, after the most cursory of investigations, it becomes clear that these same people have no fucking idea what they are talking about. Keeping it real is a way of life, not something you can slap on some business idea in an effort to appeal to children. Those of us who are out there keeping it real daily don't need reminders or enroll in programs to know how to do it. We already are.
The case of Pollestad v. Other Idiots Claiming To Keep It Real is closed. Winner: me.
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