Hello and welcome, Spam Fans, to the second installment of Gay Rodeo Adventures with Richard Hobberman or as it's known locally, Spamtastic Adventures #7.5. In the previous installment, internet super-woman T.Smith sent us word that Richard was up to his old dirty tricks so we let Roger Garrison loose to reunite with his old pal. What followed was nothing short of tear-inducing, but mostly because I decided that cutting onions while responding to emails was an efficient way to multi-task.

Well, after a week of delay, we're back with the second half of the #7 adventure, one filled with more homo-eroticism than an all-male ballet troop. Let's allow Richard to kick things off with one of his signature replies.

From: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Re: Service needed.

Dear Roger,

Gosh !! it's always nice to read from you..I am always eager to read from you and it's awesome that i cant find the right words to express how happy i am whenever i hear from you. Good to know how you feel about sitting on my Laps as that's gonna send down shivers down my spine,although i would love to have a view of how that's gonna look.

Your Messages are really so extensive that i usually take time off to read them and let it simmer down into my Faculties,and for once i wished i could write like that.Wow ! you are an Orator and you could very well pass for a Bestselling Author of all time and by now you should have been inducted in the Authors Hall of fame if there is One {chuckles}.

Well i think we should set the internet on fire again by seeing what we can both get done.We all need those crispy things called the Dollars Bills....lol, we need to make some Dough so very urgently and it's essential we work together to achieve this and i really thank God for one thing you are the listening and copperative type so i wont have any problem telling you what to do and giving you instructions as regards this to make it a worthwhile investment.

The Capital One Account is what is currently on ground now and if you can get the Account it would be lovely.I will need all the details of the Account including the Username and Password to the Account with the 3 Security Questions you used in opening it.If you have Money in the Account then withdraw everything as i dont want your money mixing with mine so we wont have to fight over those crispy things..lol.

But if it's a new one you are opening then you will have to activate it with small amount of money like $20 to make it ready to receive Transfers.We are talking of Big Money here Gary.the Amount is running into about $400k and we will talk about your commission.Please let's get this done as soon as possible so we can both smile to the Bank.

Do you chat at all ?,as i will would like to chat with you to tell you more about this and explain a lot better to you .I shall be anxiously waiting to read from you againmy good old friend.

Richard.

Admittedly, it took me a while to figure it out but I think I have the "Hobberman E-Mail System" down to a science. He starts out with a template idea, such as opening a Capital One account but then copies and pastes random lines of text from my previous reply throughout his email, regardless if its placement really makes sense.

All in all, not a bad idea. Maybe this "Bestselling Author of all time" could learn a thing or two from the internet simpleton.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: Service needed.

Dearest Rich Hobbs (a.k.a The Hobber-MAN),

Do you remember back when you were a little kid and Christmas or your birthday was right around the corner? You spent days or weeks looking at shiny, wrapped packages, wondering what could be in them. Well, that is assuming you weren't poor and/or Jewish because poor people don't get presents and Jewish people hate Christ. And don't get me started on poor Jewish people. But, whatever. The point is, that kind of anticipation is exactly how I feel whenever I get a new letter from you. I am all kinds of giddy with excitement. Seriously, my nipples are like diamonds right now and they could probably cut steel if I was so inclined to disrobe next to some sheet metal.

I am thrilled that you seem to get as much enjoyment from exchanging emails with me as I do with you. I apologize that I am so long-winded sometimes but I have a rare medical disorder which prevents me from being overly concise. I'm told that my father suffered from the same disease so it's probably genetic. Well, at least I think he suffered from it. He sent me this 30-page letter that detailed his full medical history but after page 2, I got bored and decided to play with myself while watching Disney movies so I guess I don't really know for sure. Medical science isn't really my forte.

Before I continue on with this letter, I just wanted to take a quick sidebar to let you know how much I admire you, Richard. Not from the "I'm only telling you this because I want to bang" standpoint but from some other standpoint that doesn't involve penetration. You just always seem to have your shit together. Every time we talk, you've got some new business adventure and you're all about making the money. That's something I respect. You're the kind of person that I could really get behind, Richard. Yes, I could get behind you and do some things that would only hurt for a bit. They would hurt so good, Richard.

Shit. See how easy I get side-tracked? Sorry about that, Richard. I know that your time is precious. I just like the fact that you are so straight forward and honest with me. It makes doing business with you that much more pleasurable. I get so many emails from other potential business people who are only out for themselves. They don't care about me or my needs. They don't care that I liked to be spanked softly during foreplay. But you care, Richard, and that makes all the difference. You and I have the makings of a great business team, Richard and that makes me happy. I want very much to make crispy things with you.

OK, so I got my matches ready and I am ready to light this shit up, Richard. We're talking a four-alarm blaze. I want the internet to be burning like my wee-wee when I urinate. You and me, we can do this.

I have contacted Capital One and am in the process of opening up an account. There seems to be some kind of flag on my credit report so they told me that there would be a small delay of a few days before they would be able to process my request. I've been assigned a customer service rep and I will be following up in a few days to see how my order is coming. Once I get the information, I will pass it on to you and we can get shit crackin', yo. (Sometimes I talk black so people don't accuse me of being a racist even though, between you and me, I'm not a fan of people from Sweden.)

I like that we are talking about big money here, Richard. $400K is no joke and with that kind of cash, I could stop risking my life smuggling heroin across the border inside my anus. Perhaps I could afford to move and live closer to you and your wife? We could just a swingers club or something and meet new people. I am curious about who "Gary" is, though. You said "We are talking of Big Money here Gary" and color me suspicious. I don't want to find out that you are cheating on me, Richard. I only enjoy being jerked off, not jerked around. Don't test me.

Also, hey, still kind of waiting on that wedding anniversary party invite. Don't let the business stuff overshadow the fact that we need to paaarrrtaaay together. Even better if you're paying for the bar tab.

So, anyway, holla back at me so that we can keep this line of dialogue going. I'll admit to being a Richard addict and I need my fix.

With Syphilis,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

It took Richard a few days to reply and I started to fear that perhaps this adventure had come to an abrupt end but, alas, Richard isn't going anywhere without that Capital One info.

From: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Re: Service needed.

Dear Sweet Roger,

I appologize for my taking the time to get back With you. It is nice to read from you the Messages but like I said they are extensive and I have been busy with many Business dealings for you and I. The crispy Dollars {fire money} are good for you and I to have and Im excited about again working with you.

Please let me knwo more details about the Capital One Account you are opening including the USERNAME and PASSWORD so we can get BIG MONEY. I have contacted some persons from my area and they are interested in helping us with investments.This means more commissions for you, Roger my friend. I do not understand the delays sometimes. These things require copperation between us.

I am always forthwith and coming when we speak and look forward to the pleasurable with you.

Always Nice to chats with you Roger. Am waiting for more to read From you again.

Richard.

It's at this point that I either need to put up or shut up. Obviously, I don't have any Capital One account info to give so I don't really think that I could draw it out for much longer. Might as well just get straight to the point in my reply. Well, by "straight to the point" I meant "write eight paragraphs about the topic."

OK, it's more than eight but who is counting?

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: Service needed.

To My Bestest Homie, Richard "Rich Hobbs" Hobberman,

Every day is a great day when an "h-mail" arrives in my inbox. Do you see what I did there? Instead of "e-mail" I said "h-mail" and the "h" stands for Hobberman. Your messages truly deserve to be in a class all by themselves, much like how you were probably all by yourself when you were in class because you type worse than my grandmother. I love you and all but honestly, an illiterate chimpanzee with Alzheimer's has a better shot at spelling a word right than you do. But you know what? You don't let that hold you back and that's an admirable quality.

Richard, since we are such close friends, I want to share with you a little something that helps get me through the 23.5 hours of the day when we are not talking. Do you remember that Beach Boys song, "Barbara Ann?" Ba ba ba ba Barbara Ann? Well, I modified the lyrics a bit to include your name and I sing it whenever I am lonely, which is all the time. Hob hob hob hob Hobberman. And you know how at the end, that guy comes in with the really high pitched voice? I jam an icepick into my balls to ensure I'm able to carry the tune. It hurts but you're worth it.

I don't mean to come off as some kind of crazy internet stalker or anything but I just wanted to say that I treasure our friendship and that our business dealings have been very rewarding for me as a person. I've had a number of friends say that I am crazy for trying to mix business and pleasure but they must not know the joys of jerking off to an empty excel spreadsheet or a colorful pie chart. But I bet you do, Richard. Those longs nights at the office with nothing but Clippy to keep you company. Yeah, you've tugged one out to Clippy. Don't lie.

But hey, wow, look at where that email conversation was heading. I'm going to do us a favor and steer this thing back on course before I ruin another pair of pants. You and me, we have business to talk about so let's do that.

However, before we jump into the financial aspect of things, I feel like I need to get something off my chest. I mean, we're as good of friends as any two people can be who've never kissed so I feel like I can tell you pretty much anything. I love working with you and I think you're one of the absolute best business partners for an imaginary company that I've ever worked with but, seriously, we need to get you some typing lessons. It's one thing to have our internal memos looking like they were written by a three year old but as you've said, we've got investors now and they'll be looking at us to act more professionally. Maybe from now on, you fill me in a little more on the business dealings and let me handle the public face of our company?

As you've already mentioned, I write pretty good. We'll just have to set up some kind of outgoing e-mail scanner to filter out all the naughty words I use like "shit", "piss", and "I've got two fingers up your anus and here comes the third" but that shouldn't be too hard to do. I know this one guy who does IT work in exchange for 40s of malt liquor and I bet he could engineer us up something nice. Damn, look at us getting all technical. Richard & Roger: 2010 business with a 2002 understanding of how computers work.

And here comes the part I am dreading. I have my fingers and legs crossed that what I am about to say won't make you hate me but I don't have much choice in the matter. Earlier today, I got word from Capital one that they turned down my request for an account. They said I wasn't "Capital One material" or some bullshit like that. They sell fucking pre-paid credit cards. Twelve year old kids can get them. How in the shit am I not Capital One material? Fuck those guys.

So, what about us then, Richard? What are we going to do? You gave me one important job, which was to open up a Capital One bank account in my name, give you all the security information and passwords, and maybe deposit a little money into it and I couldn't even do that. I have failed you and let our business partnership down. I mean, you've done so much for our company, like write horrible emails and demand stuff; things that I could have never done by myself. I look up to you as a mentor and a lover and it pains me to know that I have let you down.

Is there any way that I can make this up to you? I'd suggest "free anal" but I had pretty much planned on doing that anyway so I don't know how much of an incentive that is for you. Maybe "free anal with donkey punch?" Dude, I don't know. Pretty much name your price and it's yours.

I understand if you no longer want to do business with me but hopefully we can at least remain internet friends. I'm going to click send on this message now, holding my breath that I will still hear back from you. Richard, you are my reason for breathing. Well, that and Twilight. I fucking love Twilight.

Please don't hate me, Richard. I've got nothing but love and a undiagnosed STD to give.

With An Empty Pancreas,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

And so likely ends the saga of Richard Hobberman. All he wanted was Capital One account info and he left brokenhearted. Roger on the other hand, is left without a man partner to seduce. Fret not, however, for the internet has a keen way of helping people bounce back and I don't imagine it'll be too long before we see Roger off on another adventure. A spamtastic adventure at that, though he could probably just settle for a regular adventure and be just as happy. He's pretty easy-going.