As I find myself doing quite often around here, I have to start out this entry of our internet adventure with some semblance of an apology. Mind you, it's not a real apology because I don't mean anything that I am about to say but it does contain the word "sorry" so I think that in the strictest sense, it qualifies. At least I hope so. My lawyers have advised me that lying on the internet is a serious crime and should be avoided at all costs, which is why I resort to stretching the truth instead. It's a whole lot cheaper. So why even bother with the apology if I don't mean it? Well, it's a funny story that contains little to negative one humorous elements and I'll tell you later. After I apologize.
I'm sorry for the past few months and the zero hilariously funny internet comedy updates that were produced for your entertainment pleasure.
While this might sound like something you have heard at least 50 times before, let me be clear about one distinction: It's not my fault this time. Yes, I realize that I am the one in charge of this whole operation but I still don't see why I should be blamed for more than four months of inactivity. Why, it seems like just yesterday that I was writing about sticking my penis in magic lamps, mostly because it was yesterday. For me, anyway. Unlike you, dear reader, who spent our vast time apart doing mundane things like "living your life" and "breathing," I was holed up in a space/time vacuum thing that got created after my microwave went haywire when I decided that heating up some aluminum foil was a great idea.
Much to my surprise, a space/time vacuum has absolutely nothing to do with a machine that helps you clean space and time but rather it's a bunch of science-y stuff that I don't understand and it pretty much makes calendars useless. Kind of a shame, really, because I think the world could greatly benefit from some sparkly space and sanitized time. It would be a place where gay vampires could live without persecution. Bedazzlers for everyone! Such as it is to dream, though. The harsh reality is that, despite my misinterpretation of rocket science, I'm still on this hook for this whole lack-of-entertainment fiasco and it sounds like gay vampires will continue to be the subject of cyber-bullying. Not much I can do about the latter yet but I can work towards making amends for my own personal crimes.
While Marty McFly made adjusting to time travel look easy, the fact that I lost more than four months of reality is a tough pill to swallow and trying to come up with topics to write about after so much time has passed is difficult. It's like trying to pee with an erection. (To put that into perspective for my female readers, it's like trying to pee with an erection.) Not only is my brain not really in the writing game anymore, I also have to scrap the now-outdated but still amazing updates that I wrote earlier about such topics as Grandparents Day 2010 and fact that Leslie Nielsen was still alive. Not to mention that I missed Halloween. I didn't really have anything for Halloween but I'm throwing that in there to garner potential sympathy.
"Why don't you do what you always do after a long hiatus," you ask?
"What's that, ignore your suggestions?" I reply.
"No, the other thing you do where you make up a bunch of fictional stuff that you accomplished while you were away, hoping that some gullible jerk will stumble across the list and mistakenly think that you are anything more than human garbage?"
Sure, I guess I could have done that but given the fact that, to me, I've only been gone for a little more than 24 hours, coming up with a list of events that I made up purely for entertainment value just seems, I don't know, untruthful. Besides, I've already done that a million times over, which is a completely accurate number and in no way should be construed as an exaggeration on my part. Like Taco Bell, we're all about only the freshest of ideas around here. Unfortunately, also like Taco Bell, there are only about five main ingredients to any of our ideas, so they kind of all wind up looking and tasting the same. Also, if you're eating anything that we write on the internet, you probably will want to consult a dietitian because that can't be healthy.
So, what's the solution to this dilemma? From the looks of things, it appears that I am going the "write a bunch of unfunny shit about time and space and call it an update" route. Not the classiest of moves, I'll admit but it does get me past the "I've been gone for four months hurdle and I am abusing the editorial device of doing run-on sentences inside quotes to make point" stage so that we can move on to bigger and better things. Of course, if you've been around the block here a time or two, you know nothing ever gets better. I just keep promising you that it will and since you're gullible and stupid, we both can remain friends.
The truth is that while this update sucks complete horseshit, it was a necessary evil because I wouldn't be able to move on to other, potentially funnier things without having stepped through the mud of these words first. Consider it a rough draft that I accidentally posted on the internet and instead of deleting it, I asked you to read it and like it. I know that a few of you will doubt my claim that I was trapped inside a vortex for the past four months, claiming such things like "I saw you in person" or "we talked on the phone last week" but to that point, I only have one response: If I didn't lose four months of my life stuck inside my microwave and was really living, breathing and going about life as normal, do you honestly think this update would the best I could do after months of trying?
Yes.
I'm sorry for the past few months and the zero hilariously funny internet comedy updates that were produced for your entertainment pleasure.
While this might sound like something you have heard at least 50 times before, let me be clear about one distinction: It's not my fault this time. Yes, I realize that I am the one in charge of this whole operation but I still don't see why I should be blamed for more than four months of inactivity. Why, it seems like just yesterday that I was writing about sticking my penis in magic lamps, mostly because it was yesterday. For me, anyway. Unlike you, dear reader, who spent our vast time apart doing mundane things like "living your life" and "breathing," I was holed up in a space/time vacuum thing that got created after my microwave went haywire when I decided that heating up some aluminum foil was a great idea.
Much to my surprise, a space/time vacuum has absolutely nothing to do with a machine that helps you clean space and time but rather it's a bunch of science-y stuff that I don't understand and it pretty much makes calendars useless. Kind of a shame, really, because I think the world could greatly benefit from some sparkly space and sanitized time. It would be a place where gay vampires could live without persecution. Bedazzlers for everyone! Such as it is to dream, though. The harsh reality is that, despite my misinterpretation of rocket science, I'm still on this hook for this whole lack-of-entertainment fiasco and it sounds like gay vampires will continue to be the subject of cyber-bullying. Not much I can do about the latter yet but I can work towards making amends for my own personal crimes.
While Marty McFly made adjusting to time travel look easy, the fact that I lost more than four months of reality is a tough pill to swallow and trying to come up with topics to write about after so much time has passed is difficult. It's like trying to pee with an erection. (To put that into perspective for my female readers, it's like trying to pee with an erection.) Not only is my brain not really in the writing game anymore, I also have to scrap the now-outdated but still amazing updates that I wrote earlier about such topics as Grandparents Day 2010 and fact that Leslie Nielsen was still alive. Not to mention that I missed Halloween. I didn't really have anything for Halloween but I'm throwing that in there to garner potential sympathy.
"Why don't you do what you always do after a long hiatus," you ask?
"What's that, ignore your suggestions?" I reply.
"No, the other thing you do where you make up a bunch of fictional stuff that you accomplished while you were away, hoping that some gullible jerk will stumble across the list and mistakenly think that you are anything more than human garbage?"
Sure, I guess I could have done that but given the fact that, to me, I've only been gone for a little more than 24 hours, coming up with a list of events that I made up purely for entertainment value just seems, I don't know, untruthful. Besides, I've already done that a million times over, which is a completely accurate number and in no way should be construed as an exaggeration on my part. Like Taco Bell, we're all about only the freshest of ideas around here. Unfortunately, also like Taco Bell, there are only about five main ingredients to any of our ideas, so they kind of all wind up looking and tasting the same. Also, if you're eating anything that we write on the internet, you probably will want to consult a dietitian because that can't be healthy.
So, what's the solution to this dilemma? From the looks of things, it appears that I am going the "write a bunch of unfunny shit about time and space and call it an update" route. Not the classiest of moves, I'll admit but it does get me past the "I've been gone for four months hurdle and I am abusing the editorial device of doing run-on sentences inside quotes to make point" stage so that we can move on to bigger and better things. Of course, if you've been around the block here a time or two, you know nothing ever gets better. I just keep promising you that it will and since you're gullible and stupid, we both can remain friends.
The truth is that while this update sucks complete horseshit, it was a necessary evil because I wouldn't be able to move on to other, potentially funnier things without having stepped through the mud of these words first. Consider it a rough draft that I accidentally posted on the internet and instead of deleting it, I asked you to read it and like it. I know that a few of you will doubt my claim that I was trapped inside a vortex for the past four months, claiming such things like "I saw you in person" or "we talked on the phone last week" but to that point, I only have one response: If I didn't lose four months of my life stuck inside my microwave and was really living, breathing and going about life as normal, do you honestly think this update would the best I could do after months of trying?
Yes.
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