To all my readers who have been living under a rock for the past three weeks -- a magical rock wherein you forgot how to use a web browser, had no access to a calendar, and somehow didn't die -- you might be surprised to learn that Christmas is right around the corner, assuming that a holiday can exist in a geographical location. That revelation aside, I'd like to be the first person to welcome you back to civilization. I'd also like to let you know that your plants are probably dead by now, since I started watering them with vodka instead of whatever it was that you told me to do for them. Sorry.
Now, you rock-dwellers and other late-comers might be saying to yourself, "Holy crap, Christmas is here already? I had no idea. Why have I not heard anything about this before just now as I am reading your amazing internet news update?" and the answer to that question involves a lot of complex math and words that I had to look up in the dictionary. I think it'd be really nice for everyone involved if the people in charge of holidays (Hallmark?) got their shit together and decided on a permanent day to hold Christmas on every year. Like how we do for Valentine's Day. It's just so hard to keep track of all these rotating celebrations. (Lookin' at you, Leap Year.)
But, if you fall into the completely unprepared category, fret not. Your seasonal friends here at the PNC are available with some tips to get your holidays back on track and celebrating Jesus' big day the right way, because that's one guy you don't want to be on the bad side of. Being buried up to your eyeballs in debt is a lot better than eternal damnation. So, what do you get for the deity who has everything? We're not entirely sure but we know one thing for certain: he's good with the frankincense and myrrh. Seriously, don't even get him a little bit as a joke. After the 2000th time, he doesn't find it funny anymore.
So, with the big day quickly approaching, you might be asking yourself, "what can I do to get in on the Christmas action?" Read on for something that might resemble an answer. Earlier in the month, I assigned 15 PNC employees the simple task of scouring the internet in an effort to compile a list of only the best of ways to combine your love for new stuff and your adoration of Jesus. After carefully editing out the suggestions that involved horrible fan fiction and pictures of cartoon characters having sex, what was left over are the following four rock-solid tips on showing the big man upstairs that you really care. (Note: tips may not actually be rock-solid.)
Be Charitable
The Christmas spirit is all about giving and helping those in need and we here at the PNC fully support this notion. (During the holidays only, of course. We wouldn't want the poor to get used to this kind of treatment year-round.) While it is standard procedure for most charitable people to donate to homeless shelters and organizations like the Red Cross, this year, we'd like to suggest that you funnel your money to people who really need it: the rich. You see, it's a bit of a misnomer that wealthy people are well off. It's actually quite the opposite. Many of these rich, affluent people are unable to hold down jobs and are living off only what they have in the bank. They rely on tax breaks from the Government just to make ends meet and they often have large families to support with no paycheck to speak of. With unemployment at a record high this holiday season, consider finding a rich person in your area this year and donate what you can to help them get by. After all, that third turkey for Christmas dinner isn't going to buy itself.
Deck The Halls (and other places in your home)
This is America, Jesus' number one fan, and to prove that, you have to show your holiday spirit by decorating your house with lights and various motorized trinkets on your lawn. The higher your electric bill, the more you love the Lord on his special day. I think the bible said it best in Matthews 4:15: "Go big or go home." In order to properly celebrate Christmas, you are all but obligated to get the best and most obnoxious blinking holiday light sets you can and when you think that you have enough to cover your house three times over, go back to the store and buy some more. Seriously, don't stop buying and applying lights until the neighborhood epileptic is afraid to walk down your street for fear of having a seizure. How is Jesus going to know that you support him if he can't see your house from heaven?
Support The War On Christmas
It's no big secret that wars are pretty cool. Wars on actual things are even better. This holiday season you, the American patriot, need to do your part in supporting the war on Christmas. There are lots of scrooge-y people out there that would like to take the "Christ" out of Christmas but that's just completely absurd. If we did that, we'd just be left with "Mas" and that's a horrible name for a holiday. It's not called "Holidaymas" for a reason, so the next time some asshat wishes you a "Happy Holidays" instead of saying "Merry Christmas," punch them directly in the face until they bleed. We have to show them that our way is right and the only true way to get the point across is through violence. This is war, people. If you can also come up with something clever to say while punching them, that is a definite plus. Some examples might be, "You have been naughty but this uppercut is NICE!" or "I'm feeling charitable and GIVING YOU A FIST TO THE FACE." Please note that those are trademarked, so try and come up with your own. In short, keep Christ in Christmas but please don't keep Christ in a box unless it is properly aerated because he has to be able to breathe.
Spend, Spend, Spend
Look, we all realize that economic times are tough this year but that's not really an excuse to skimp on the gift-giving. Maybe you should have worked harder at not losing your job and then your family wouldn't hate you because you're a horrible provider. Still, being unemployed and poor doesn't mean you can't also have a nice Christmas. That's what credit cards are for. Honestly, nobody wants that stupid $20 trinket you were looking at in the store window. They want something that they can actually use. Take a cue from the television commercials. You don't see people getting all happy because you bought some shitty jewelry from Target. No, it's all diamonds and sparkles. The amount that you spend correlates directly with how much you love someone. And you do love your family, right? That's why you should go out and buy Lexus or Mercedes for that special someone in your house. Even better, go buy a second one for someone you don't really care about and then stick them with the payments. The point is, you can't wait around this holiday season for the economy to magically get better. It's time to take matters into your own hands and the key is to spend, spend, spend. Lots of people are counting on you to not fuck everything up this year.
Hopefully, having thoroughly read and committed to memory the above, you are now set to help make Christmas 2010 the very bestest Christmas ever. Well, besides the first one, of course, since I guess that had some importance and points for originality. From all zero of your friends at the Pollestad.Net Corporation, we hope that everyone who isn't Jewish has an awesome holiday break. We'll see you next year!
Now, you rock-dwellers and other late-comers might be saying to yourself, "Holy crap, Christmas is here already? I had no idea. Why have I not heard anything about this before just now as I am reading your amazing internet news update?" and the answer to that question involves a lot of complex math and words that I had to look up in the dictionary. I think it'd be really nice for everyone involved if the people in charge of holidays (Hallmark?) got their shit together and decided on a permanent day to hold Christmas on every year. Like how we do for Valentine's Day. It's just so hard to keep track of all these rotating celebrations. (Lookin' at you, Leap Year.)
But, if you fall into the completely unprepared category, fret not. Your seasonal friends here at the PNC are available with some tips to get your holidays back on track and celebrating Jesus' big day the right way, because that's one guy you don't want to be on the bad side of. Being buried up to your eyeballs in debt is a lot better than eternal damnation. So, what do you get for the deity who has everything? We're not entirely sure but we know one thing for certain: he's good with the frankincense and myrrh. Seriously, don't even get him a little bit as a joke. After the 2000th time, he doesn't find it funny anymore.
So, with the big day quickly approaching, you might be asking yourself, "what can I do to get in on the Christmas action?" Read on for something that might resemble an answer. Earlier in the month, I assigned 15 PNC employees the simple task of scouring the internet in an effort to compile a list of only the best of ways to combine your love for new stuff and your adoration of Jesus. After carefully editing out the suggestions that involved horrible fan fiction and pictures of cartoon characters having sex, what was left over are the following four rock-solid tips on showing the big man upstairs that you really care. (Note: tips may not actually be rock-solid.)
Be Charitable
The Christmas spirit is all about giving and helping those in need and we here at the PNC fully support this notion. (During the holidays only, of course. We wouldn't want the poor to get used to this kind of treatment year-round.) While it is standard procedure for most charitable people to donate to homeless shelters and organizations like the Red Cross, this year, we'd like to suggest that you funnel your money to people who really need it: the rich. You see, it's a bit of a misnomer that wealthy people are well off. It's actually quite the opposite. Many of these rich, affluent people are unable to hold down jobs and are living off only what they have in the bank. They rely on tax breaks from the Government just to make ends meet and they often have large families to support with no paycheck to speak of. With unemployment at a record high this holiday season, consider finding a rich person in your area this year and donate what you can to help them get by. After all, that third turkey for Christmas dinner isn't going to buy itself.
Deck The Halls (and other places in your home)
This is America, Jesus' number one fan, and to prove that, you have to show your holiday spirit by decorating your house with lights and various motorized trinkets on your lawn. The higher your electric bill, the more you love the Lord on his special day. I think the bible said it best in Matthews 4:15: "Go big or go home." In order to properly celebrate Christmas, you are all but obligated to get the best and most obnoxious blinking holiday light sets you can and when you think that you have enough to cover your house three times over, go back to the store and buy some more. Seriously, don't stop buying and applying lights until the neighborhood epileptic is afraid to walk down your street for fear of having a seizure. How is Jesus going to know that you support him if he can't see your house from heaven?
Support The War On Christmas
It's no big secret that wars are pretty cool. Wars on actual things are even better. This holiday season you, the American patriot, need to do your part in supporting the war on Christmas. There are lots of scrooge-y people out there that would like to take the "Christ" out of Christmas but that's just completely absurd. If we did that, we'd just be left with "Mas" and that's a horrible name for a holiday. It's not called "Holidaymas" for a reason, so the next time some asshat wishes you a "Happy Holidays" instead of saying "Merry Christmas," punch them directly in the face until they bleed. We have to show them that our way is right and the only true way to get the point across is through violence. This is war, people. If you can also come up with something clever to say while punching them, that is a definite plus. Some examples might be, "You have been naughty but this uppercut is NICE!" or "I'm feeling charitable and GIVING YOU A FIST TO THE FACE." Please note that those are trademarked, so try and come up with your own. In short, keep Christ in Christmas but please don't keep Christ in a box unless it is properly aerated because he has to be able to breathe.
Spend, Spend, Spend
Look, we all realize that economic times are tough this year but that's not really an excuse to skimp on the gift-giving. Maybe you should have worked harder at not losing your job and then your family wouldn't hate you because you're a horrible provider. Still, being unemployed and poor doesn't mean you can't also have a nice Christmas. That's what credit cards are for. Honestly, nobody wants that stupid $20 trinket you were looking at in the store window. They want something that they can actually use. Take a cue from the television commercials. You don't see people getting all happy because you bought some shitty jewelry from Target. No, it's all diamonds and sparkles. The amount that you spend correlates directly with how much you love someone. And you do love your family, right? That's why you should go out and buy Lexus or Mercedes for that special someone in your house. Even better, go buy a second one for someone you don't really care about and then stick them with the payments. The point is, you can't wait around this holiday season for the economy to magically get better. It's time to take matters into your own hands and the key is to spend, spend, spend. Lots of people are counting on you to not fuck everything up this year.
Hopefully, having thoroughly read and committed to memory the above, you are now set to help make Christmas 2010 the very bestest Christmas ever. Well, besides the first one, of course, since I guess that had some importance and points for originality. From all zero of your friends at the Pollestad.Net Corporation, we hope that everyone who isn't Jewish has an awesome holiday break. We'll see you next year!
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