The majority of spammers who wind up getting involved with my Spamtastic Adventure updates tend to fall into two distinct categories: You get the spammer who doesn't bother to read my emails, regardless of how outlandish and he simply replies with whatever copy/paste job he had lined up but managed to do a "search and replace" to insert Roger's name. The other end of the spectrum involves the spammer who appears to read every word I say and while he seemingly overlooks the more inane and sarcastic stuff, he'll at least respond directly to points I made previously, which makes things a lot more interesting.

Up until this point, I would have to say that adventure #9 (Sunsy) would have fallen into the first category, since everything so far as appeared to simply go over her head and get ignored. That is, until I received her latest reply. While she doesn't appear to have read my previous emails too carefully, she does mention "Juice Johnson" by name and the fact that it confused her, made me smile and laugh a little inside. It doesn't make up for the fact that she is a completely horrible (and likely made-up) person but it makes the road getting there a little bit easier on the eyes.

After three adventure updates involving multiple emails, Miss Sunsy has started to wear out her welcome in my inbox and even though she decided to start being a better email responder, her time (and the window for this update series) has come to an end. Please read below for the thrilling* conclusion to my alter-ego Roger Garrison's adventures in internet romance. (* conclusion may not actually be thrilling.)

We start things off with Sunsy's reply back from my latest email:

From: "sunsy oldham" [sunsy_o@w.cn]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: I AM SORRY FOR MY LATELY RESPONSE.

My Dearest Roger,

Good morning to you and how is your weekend? I knew that my email will find you well and good condition over there in the State. Thus, I hope that your day is blessed with happiness and joy. I'm praying that your day is as special as you are! I am writing this mail to show appreciation of all the things that you have been to me and you have shown me this days, despite that my situation here does not permit me to reply your earliest email than now. You were a true gift sent from God. Please I apologies for my lately response although you would have understand my present situation and condition in this prison so called refugee camp. I have never been once happy since ever I came to this place and everything has been so difficult and uneasy to me here. Perhaps since last week I was down sick and could not feel fine due to the type of food and treatment we are receiving in this camp which I am not usually use to it before. Coming to my situation in this camp it is a something that was so vaguely to my understanding here crying and shed tears always, which was actually called Post Traumatic Stress.

Actually, it warms my heart to read through your inspiration and encouragement words this moment. My dear, you were my strength and you have wiped out the tears of sorrows, and replaced it with joy. I can only read and remember this quotation in the bible. (Matthew 11:28). It said. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Truly God has given me rest by having you in my life and I said it early that now, you were sent from above to me. I knew it. Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Just be patient all your friends will later join us and celebrate the signs and wonders of the lord Jesus Christ. I am a little bit confused on how and what to do just to eradicate from my vivid mind your charming and handsome face in your pictures. I love all the pictures and wish to see more as I have printed the last one and usually keeping it on beg pillow while sleeping.

Honey I was somehow confused in some area in your mail. You made mention something that beyond my imagination. Please what do you exactly mean by Juice Johnson which you was directing me to have a discussion with? I could not understand. And you also stated that you called me and you couldn't get me, that is frustrating. Please you should crosscheck the phone number I gave to you in my previous email because it seems to me that you were mistaking. As I am not Juice Johnson or either knows somebody that bearing such name.

However, I am really willing to partner with you and follow your instruction as husband and wife as you have mentioned in your mail henceforth you promised and ensured me that I am in right part and safety in your hands. Is true that I found you through internet but God knows why it has happen like that and I truly appreciate the comfort and the first impression you have given to me which made me to have a bite entrust over you. I cherished all your conversation and wish I can see you face to face at this moment as I'm having in mind and with all the confidence that you were thoroughly angel to me. I know I don't express it nearly as often as I should, but Roger, don't doubt me. I love you more now than I ever thought possible. And that love grows each and every day. Please don't let me down or either been listen to your friends who usually not like your progress, their were enemy of progress, although I trust you, and I like a man usually stand on his decision in order to achieve his goal. I am willing to prove them wrong very soon.

But honey I wish to beg you for one thing! Please, will it be possible for you to take a short trip to visit me here in this country so that we both can see each other and also sit in round table and discuss more about our future and also the secret which I have revealed to you in my previous email.

I am desperate and certainly wish to see you beside me here, while its very necessary and conducive to have ourselves together, then to share our thought and way forward toward the project about the transaction. Meanwhile you should have understand that this fund which I am talking about is the only hope I have on earth which my beloved late father left for me to further my education and live the rest of my life before he die, so therefore you must have maintain any kept all our privacy and all has been mentioned as such as secret, since I have never letting any other person know except you and you alone. Please try as much as possible to call me so that I can hear your voice and also discuss about this present situation with you as soon as possible.

I am yours, and you were mine. You hold my heart. I love you, and thank you for making me the luckiest girl on earth. I knew that you will be able to lead me to live the life of which I have always dreamed. In fact, it will grant all our wishes. I know that you are the most cherished I desires to fulfilled my wishes. With you my life will become completely transformed from this mishap condition. Juts understand that I am thinking of you always and dairy in my life. I wish you happy valentine ahead of you. How is wish i am there with you tomorrow. Oh my God!!!!!!!

Yours in Love,
Sunsy

If you don't bother to read any of the above, at least take time to read paragraph three, since that is where she references the D&D character that I made for her.

To summarize the rest, her prison conditions are really harsh and now she is claiming that she is coming down with many medical conditions. She also reaffirms that she loves me dearly, that I am the man she desires, and that she wants me to take a trip out to Africa to see her. Cool.

Oh yeah, she also wished me a Happy Valentine's Day, which was nice of her. (The email contained a small picture of a rose as an attachment to show that she was serious.) She also sent along the exact same picture sent attaches to every email but time time, it's zoomed in a little.

For reference:

Nice cat, thunder thighs.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "sunsy oldham" [sunsyoldham22@live.com]
Subject: Re: I AM SORRY FOR MY LATELY RESPONSE.

To My Favorite Perforated Rectum Sunsy,

Hey bad lookin', whatcha got cookin'? Hopefully dinner! Ha ha. But no, seriously, what are you cooking because I am hungry as hell and Mom thinks that because I have a girlfriend now, I have to grow up and "act like a man." I told her that she acts like a man and then I pointed out her mustache and she wasn't very happy with me after that. So, anyway, I kind of apologize because I'm not in the worlds greatest mood. After I sat down at the computer and saw that a new letter had arrived from you, I kind of thought that might help boost my spirits but you're not very good at that sort of thing so I think I might be worse off now than I was before. You're like the equivalent of having a pen pal who is illiterate. But, hey, as long as you put out regularly when you get over here, right?

I really made an effort to sit down and read every word that you wrote me but after an hour of hard work, I was still on the first paragraph and I kind of gave up. Your emails are like a bowel movement that's gone horribly wrong. I don't think I have to elaborate on that topic but I probably will at some point later. (You look like you enjoy toilet humor.) However, I see that you refused to take my advice on the "be less whiny" thing. I get it, you're in a prison. Conditions are generally pretty poor in those places. I think if they made prison a fun place to hang out, more people would start committing violent crimes. Wouldn't that be something? But just because I gloss over your obvious situation troubles doesn't mean that I don't care. I would gladly switch places with you in a heartbeat, just to get you out of that mess. (Also, I assume once you are free, you would stop sending me long emailed diatribes about your horrible conditions and made-up mental disorders but, if not, then consider the deal off.)

I see that you've started name-dropping God and randomly quoting bible verses for the hell of it. Not sure where that came from. I mean, I guess a person in your position has to have faith in someone but let that person be Roger. If needs be, I can start dropping verses from the book of Roger to help guide you to the light. "Fish sticks are fucking fantastic," (Dinner, 9:13). You know, that kind of thing. Let me know if you need any more because I have like 50 or so that I wrote down one night while I was trippin' on shrooms. I'm not overly religious personally but I'm not above letting other people worship me. Maybe tell your friends about it. It's not a cult -- it's a cause! I mean, you already sleep next to printed out pictures of me. I don't think anything further is that much of a stretch and you have to admit, tax-exempt status would be pretty fucking sweet.

Anyway, sorry if I confused you with all the Juice Johnson stuff. I mistakenly figured that you were actually reading the emails I sent back to you where I clearly explained what I was talking about but as you stated, I guess it was "beyond [your] imagination." I guess it's all for the best anyway. With your strictly limited intelligence, you wouldn't make the best tabletop RPG gamer and then Keith would probably get mad, storm around the room, and throw dice at your head while we play. (He has a short temper but VERY good aim.) Whatever. I guess you could just fetch us drinks and snacks and shit while we play instead. I guess it's time to email Keith and let him know that our next gaming session should be called "THE JUICE IS LOOSE" where I guess we pretend that your character ran away and then we kind of just go back to playing more important stories. Still, maybe you give me a little credit for thinking about you and trying to include you instead of being all bitchy to me about not getting your name right when I called.

I have not yet had a chance to call again as I was too busy having an awesome Valentine's Day. It helped a great deal that you wished me to have a happy one so, instead of sitting around at home by myself, I paid a couple of under-aged high school chicks to get freaky with me in my van. Seriously, the best Valentine's Day ever and I really appreciate your support and great idea. I guess it's not all bad having you in my life. Uh, also, yes, I was very sad that you were not there. Or something like that. I mean, whatever you want to hear. (Remember, I hold your heart and I can do whatever I want with it so just let sleeping dogs lie.)

Also, I would love (word used loosely) to come visit you! I've never traveled to Africa but sometimes I visit 7-11 really late at night, so I think I kind of know what to expect. Are you allowed to have visitors at your prison camp? I'm just trying to figure out if I need to bribe the guards or something to get in. You make the conditions sounds pretty harsh there, so they might not be so welcome to a white guy and his cat barging in and demanding to see you.

Please provide me with more information about how I can arrange such a trip.

Also, please continue to send me the exact same picture of you with every email, as there is no possible way that I could ever get tired of not looking at it.

I will try my best to call you this week but in the mean time, I require more letters from you so please respond!

With What Some Consider Love,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

For a second, I thought this adventure might finally be going somewhere, what with her millions of dollars she is hiding and the fact that she wanted me to take a trip out to Africa to visit her but, alas, this appears to not be the case.

It wasn't but a few hours after I sent the above email that I got a reply back. Apparently, she finally figured out that I have been doing nothing but sending her a lot of very mean emails and she doesn't want any more of it.

From: "sunsy oldham" [sunsy_o@w.cn]
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: WISHING TO END THIS.

To Roger, My Once Dear.........

I do not know what has happened this with us but I am now very sad. I put my trust in God and him sent you to me but I have been reading the email that you sned to me and I do not understand. You do not say very nice thing to me in what you say and I wonder why. I thought about this as TRUE LOVE and take it very serious but you are making joke about me and prison.

My Late Father was murdered and I am in nothing more than prison and you use mean words to mock me. I wished that you were mine and my heart joined to you but I cannot see now how that happen. I do not wish to talk with you further because you have upset me.

I still wonder what happened and I talk to God (not you) to find out.

Goodbye,
Sunsy

While it was somewhat sad to see the adventure go quickly down the drain, on the bright side, I finally got an email from her that didn't contain the same fucking picture of her sitting in that godawful chair.

Still, Roger isn't the kind of person to let someone else get the last word and with the adventure all but over, it is time for the gloves to come off. (This is a good thing because it makes typing much easier.)

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "sunsy oldham" [sunsyoldham22@live.com]
Subject: Re: WISHING TO END THIS.

To My Punchable Sunsy,

After reading your last email, I thought long at hard for at least five minutes on how I should handle the situation. You made it quite clear to me that you were upset at the words I used and I have to admit that the fact that you might actually be crying right now is giving me an erection. You are seriously the worst person on the internet and considering that I am also on the internet, that's saying something especially harsh.

But before I jump into anything else, let's get one thing clear: nobody cuts off ties with Roger. NOBODY. And even though I clearly consider you a nobody, you're the not the kind of nobody who has the ability to say no to me. You're a completely other kind of nobody. I'm pretty sure that even your late father couldn't stand to be around you, hence why he took the whole "hey, I'm going to get murdered" route. Unfortunately, I have a lot to live for so don't expect that just because you are the equivalent of human garbage, you're going to get rid of me that easily.

Go ahead, try and block my email address in your shitty little spam filter. It's not going to do any good. I'll fucking bombard you with hate mail until your that shit-tastic little 3rd world computer that you're using crashes under the load. And once that happens, you might be saying to yourself, well, at least I can't get any more mail from Roger. WRONG AGAIN. Once your computer is offline, I am going to hire a pilot to fly over every single prison in Africa and just carpet bomb the hell out of them with printed out letters to you. Oh, you're in a no-fly zone? No problem. You ever heard of unmanned drones? THAT SHIT IS REMOTE CONTROL. And once my GPS figures out where you actually are, I'm going to rent a hang-glider, coast over to Africa, and literally kick you in the face for being such a horrible person.

And you say that I'm not nice. Fuck you with that I'm not nice bullshit. Where in your stupid brain did you come up with that idea? I'm nice like 1990's rap slang. But you? You are whatever the opposite of nice is. Like, imagine if you were a book. You know Sun Zu's "Art of War?" You're like Sunsy, "Art of Being A Stain On Humanity." If The New York Times had a worstseller list, you would top it. And it's funny that I am making a bunch of book references because you probably don't get any of them. To you, a book is about as foreign a concept as someone actually caring about you. I'm fairly certain that the only book you ever read was "How To Write Like A Mentally Challenged Person." That said, you managed to take quite a bit away from that experience, so I guess that is something to be proud of.

While I admit that I am upset at the fact that we appear to have wasted so much time going back and forth with one another, it's probably a good thing that we never met and/or got married. We both know that as soon as you signed over that seven million dollars to me, you'd be signed over to a traveling circus troop as quickly as I could find a pen. Not to say that you and I couldn't have had our fun before that occurred, assuming that you consider "fun" to be buying me stuff with your money.

Here is a list of things you could have bought me:

- A saddle, which I would place on your back and ride you like a bronco.

- A shotgun, because if you broke your leg playing horsey, I'd need some mechanism to put you down.

- A barf bag, for use by me whenever you suggested having sex with one another.

- A bucket of your hopes and dreams, so that I had some place to defecate.

- A refrigerator full of expensive food.

- A padlock, for the aforementioned refrigerator because you need to learn to keep your hands off my stuff and you only get food when I think you've earned it.

- A bag of dog treats, for days when you didn't piss me off.

- A hair trimmer, so that I can shave your head bald.

- A sharpie, so that I can make funny doodles on your exposed cranium to entertain myself while you "service" me.

Do you see that? That is good times. That is what you could have brought to the table. Did you do that? No. All you did was bitch and whine about being in prison and how horrible your life is. If I wanted a female that thought I cared about their problems, I could have found at least three a lot closer to home.

But I don't wish to waste my time any further than I already have. I'm going to leave you now, for good, and let you return to your miserable shithole of a life. Me? Well, I'm going to go back to eating endangered animals and making fun of people like you. That is what I do and I thrive on your misery. I hope that this little exchange of ours has taught you a thing or two about TRUE LOVE, largely that you will never find it and you're going to die alone. Tell the pastor at your prison to call me in the event that you do die as I would very much like to be the only person to attend your funeral, if only to piss on your coffin before you go underground.

With As Much Love As Ever,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

P.S. I told everyone on the internet about the money you're hiding.

"Oh my God, you're so mean," the people would say and yes, I would agree. Of course, I'm not completely heartless. If I knew that the above letter was being read by anyone other than an enclave of (probably) male spammers who do this for a living, I might actually feel some semblance of guilt about it. But as it stands right now, all I feel is the extreme urgency of needing to use the restroom. Some of these are updates are starting to get seriously long.

So, it does appear that, once again, spam love will continue to elude Roger. Not sure if that is ever going to be in the cards but what I can be certain of is that I/he will never stop trying. Well, as long as I keep getting junk email, of course.