Unless you're me, you probably have no idea that Pollestad.Net has an entire brigade of reporters staffing the "Research & News Reporting Division," largely because I just made that up a few minutes ago and I haven't told anyone about it yet. (On the other hand, if you are me, congratulations on a great idea.) One of the main benefits of being part of this newly formed PNC off-shoot, aside from the fact that you're now employed, is that there aren't many hard and fast rules to go by when it comes to reporting on stuff. I mean, the truth is always nice but it's most definitely optional and if it sounds good, don't bother checking facts because those will generally get in the way of a good story.
Now, that's not to say that we're some collective of free-wheeling anarchists who can do whatever we want. There are rules to be followed and one of the more stricter guidelines that I ask everyone to adhere to is to stay away from reporting or discussing politics. Regardless of where you stand on whatever political issue, chances are high that your stance and your opinion about your stance will offend someone who has a stance that is opposite of your own. This leads to a lot of people standing around and not working, which makes the unemployment rate very high. Obviously, seeings how politics pretty much dominates the 24-hour news cycle, you can imagine how difficult it is to abide by these guidelines, which kind of makes you wonder why we put them in place to begin with. Good question and one that I'll follow-up with you on at some point never.
While it is hard to argue that the implementation of these strict guidelines have helped maintain peace and order amongst employees and fans, we are first and foremost a news organization and when it comes to reporting on stuff that we deem super important, I think it's OK to push the rules aside like you would an elderly person who is in your way when you're in a hurry. You see, there is a major news story breaking right now, one that both deals in politics and that only we know about, so that makes us feel somewhat compelled to put aside everything that we hold dear and give you the world exclusive special report. And we don't mean "special" like it's going to be a spectacular thing. We mean special like retarded. So, what's the scoop? Yet another white guy has decided to run for President.
Big Special Announcement
I, Randy Pollestad, am officially announcing that I am tossing my political hat in the race while the field is wide open. I've also decided to run for President, though I'll be the first to admit that my hat is going to give me some serious competition.
Also this just in: We feel like we need to clarify a statement made earlier in this news report. We are most definitely not first and foremost a news organization though we're not above pretending to be so in order to get laid.
Pre-Election
For some of my long time readers, this announcement will probably come as little surprise given that I have declared my candidacy in every election since 2004. So what makes this time any different? Well, for one, I'm not joking around and secondly, I think that I have a real shot at winning this thing. Depending on how fast you read, I only need five or ten minutes to prove it to you.
Before we dive into anything personal, let's take a quick look at the competition and see what I am up against. As of right now, there are very few candidates who have confirmed that they are indeed running. This already works in my favor without me lifting a finger and with less human distractions, I can focus on a sound political strategy for beating my hat in the first primary.
On the Democrat side, you have two formally declared candidates: Barack "Big B.O" Obama and Randall Terry from who cares where. No one with two first names is ever going to be President while I'm alive. Not to mention that he'll dilute my precious "name trademark" and potentially bring legitimacy to people named Randall. I can't have that. Besides, Obama is going to crush him in whatever pussy pillow fight the Democrats use to measure who is going to get the nomination. That's not to say that everything is sown up on this side. I mean, yes, Barack says that he's seeking re-election now but in two years, he's likely to do the exact opposite of whatever he already stated he would do.
Unlike the slim Democrat pickings, the Republican side of the fence has a lot more cows grazing in the field but most of the major names are off launching "exploratory committees" which is something I'm pretty sure I had to do in Junior High Sexual Education class. Some of the most notable are Newt Gingrich and Tim Pawlenty. While Newt has more political chops than Tim, you have to be careful. Sure, he'll say that he's devoted to the Republican cause but before you know it, he'll be fucking some Democrat values on the side because he "works a lot" and "cares so much about this country." I don't much about Tim Pawlenty personally but I don't think he's any match for Jonathon Sharkey. The guy is a wrestler and a vampire and I don't care where he stands on the issues, he is awesome. Lastly, we can't forget to mention Donald Trump, mostly because Donald Trump won't let us forget to mention Donald Trump. If his campaign slogan isn't "Backpedaling and nonsense" then his manager should be fired.
Getting Elected
While the field is fairly wide open and the confirmed names list is short, it is still very early so any potential candidate has to have a firm game plan for getting elected. I am certainly no exception. I force my game plan to subsist on nothing but Viagra and ab crunches, so it is about as firm as it comes.
One of the major questions that people ask once they hear that you are a politician is which side you're on. Are you a Democrat? Are you a Republican? Well, I'm neither. In an effort to better my chances at winning, I'll need a lot of votes from both sides of the aisle, so my plan is run as a Replicrat and unify the country under one party. This way, you can be 100% sure that regardless of whatever I promised to do during my campaign, once elected, I'm pretty much just going to ignore you and do whatever I want anyway.
I was never good at math, but even with the majority vote, getting elected is still an uphill battle. As a potential candidate, you have to have name recognition with the common man, or so I am told. But I'm going to buck that trend also. You see, I don't have any name recognition with anyone outside of my parole officer and this is a good thing. All of the other candidates who are running have something called a "track record" that allows you to look back over their entire professional career and judge them based on their actions instead of some other arbitrary stat like how tall they are. I don't have one of those because I've never been very fond of exercise. Besides, I'm a modern guy who is hip with the times. If I was going to have any kind of accumulated action fact sheet, it'd be on Blu-Ray.
But don't let my lack of track whatever fool you. It doesn't make me any less qualified. Hell, it probably makes me more qualified. And just like my own presidential qualifications, I don't have anything that qualifies the previous statement. You have to admit that "facts" are pretty elitist. So, aside from not being qualified, what else sets me apart from the pack? Well, many existing candidates have to go out of their way to explain away or hide past mistakes in order to avoid future embarrassment. I'm pretty sure that I can't embarrass myself any further than I already have in recent years, so I can focus more on the issues at hand. We've all got skeletons in our closet -- mine just happens to be a real skeleton. A skeleton which I have sex with on occasion. I don't really understand why any of this is your business. As all this sexual skeleton talk proves, you're much better off voting for someone you know nothing about because it'll mean that you'll be that much less disappointed in the end when they become corrupted and self-serving. Seeings how I am already corrupt and extremely self-serving, you'll have that much less time to wait.
Are you still not convinced that I have the chops to get elected? Then I guess there is no better time than now to pull out my ace in the hole, though why I keep it there is beyond me. I mean, it's supposed to save me in my time of need but seriously, do you have any idea how much effort it is to find a shovel and dig it out of wherever I buried it in? The hole itself isn't marked, lest other people find it, so you can imagine the need for secrecy. Anyway, it's a huge pain in the ass is what I am saying. So, what's my big surprise? Well, I don't honestly think that I have a chance in hell of beating anyone in the 2012 race which is why I am running for President a year earlier by means of a ballot which only I am on. So, even if only one person votes for me -- and I'm allowed to vote for myself -- then I am pretty sure that I automatically win. And that just goes to show you how effective a President I would be. Shit, I got elected a full year early. History books will be talking about this political feat of greatness for many years to come (or for as long as they continue to print history books).
Post-Election
Based on all of the rock-solid evidence that I have produced thus far, I can only assume that I am now elected President and the people are eager to see me get to work. My official response to that would be "in five to seven days" because, honestly, the hangover I am going to have from the inaugural ball is going to be the stuff they write about in medical journals. After my election party sickness subsides, I'd roll up my imaginary sleeves and get to work on fixing America.
My first act as President would be to pass a law that forces people to stop calling what I do "acts." Being a President is what I can only assume to be serious business and the fact that I am called an "acting president" doesn't provide an air of "realness" around my job. I don't really have a great replacement word right now but I trust that my advisers can come up with something spectacular. My second [word that is not act] is simple and straight-forward: I'm going to call on America to stop with the peeing on each other thing. I realize that this isn't a high priority item in the grand scheme of things but, come on, it's just gross. There really is no need for one human to pee on another human, unless there is recent evidence of a jellyfish attack and even then, you can use vinegar. That said, I will, however, leave the "chest defecation" act completely legal. Not only is it funny, it's pretty much the only export that Cleveland has aside from horrible basketball.
The last big ticket item on the agenda would be, of course, to fix the economy. I don't really have any revolutionary ideas for how to do this, as I am sure many smarter people have already tried so I am going to go with the old standby: taxes. Now, to be clear, I'm not raising taxes. I'm simply introducing a bunch of new ones which probably means you'll be paying more than you currently are but, to be clear, the rate on existing taxes isn't going to increase and this is surely a good thing. Call it a unrequested income adjustment in my favor. Lastly, I would closely evaluate whether we really need all 50 states and maybe sell off one of the lesser Dakotas to Bill Gates or Google or something. After that, I think I can just sit back and go fishing in my new revenue stream.
I'm sure that, as President, I would do a lot more stuff that would be extremely beneficial to some people who are probably not you but those wonderful accomplishments would be too numerous to continue to list here. Hopefully, having read everything that I have outlined here, you can whittle down your potential voting choices to a single candidate: me. Now, with the pressure of a selection off your shoulders, you're free to start buying bumper stickers and telling anyone who'll listen who you're voting for. (Reminder: me.) With a little luck and a lot of hope, I might just win and turn this country around. But probably not. Turning things is hard work and I'm pretty sure my hat is going to win anyway. He's more likable.
Now, that's not to say that we're some collective of free-wheeling anarchists who can do whatever we want. There are rules to be followed and one of the more stricter guidelines that I ask everyone to adhere to is to stay away from reporting or discussing politics. Regardless of where you stand on whatever political issue, chances are high that your stance and your opinion about your stance will offend someone who has a stance that is opposite of your own. This leads to a lot of people standing around and not working, which makes the unemployment rate very high. Obviously, seeings how politics pretty much dominates the 24-hour news cycle, you can imagine how difficult it is to abide by these guidelines, which kind of makes you wonder why we put them in place to begin with. Good question and one that I'll follow-up with you on at some point never.
While it is hard to argue that the implementation of these strict guidelines have helped maintain peace and order amongst employees and fans, we are first and foremost a news organization and when it comes to reporting on stuff that we deem super important, I think it's OK to push the rules aside like you would an elderly person who is in your way when you're in a hurry. You see, there is a major news story breaking right now, one that both deals in politics and that only we know about, so that makes us feel somewhat compelled to put aside everything that we hold dear and give you the world exclusive special report. And we don't mean "special" like it's going to be a spectacular thing. We mean special like retarded. So, what's the scoop? Yet another white guy has decided to run for President.
Big Special Announcement
I, Randy Pollestad, am officially announcing that I am tossing my political hat in the race while the field is wide open. I've also decided to run for President, though I'll be the first to admit that my hat is going to give me some serious competition.
Also this just in: We feel like we need to clarify a statement made earlier in this news report. We are most definitely not first and foremost a news organization though we're not above pretending to be so in order to get laid.
Pre-Election
For some of my long time readers, this announcement will probably come as little surprise given that I have declared my candidacy in every election since 2004. So what makes this time any different? Well, for one, I'm not joking around and secondly, I think that I have a real shot at winning this thing. Depending on how fast you read, I only need five or ten minutes to prove it to you.
Before we dive into anything personal, let's take a quick look at the competition and see what I am up against. As of right now, there are very few candidates who have confirmed that they are indeed running. This already works in my favor without me lifting a finger and with less human distractions, I can focus on a sound political strategy for beating my hat in the first primary.
On the Democrat side, you have two formally declared candidates: Barack "Big B.O" Obama and Randall Terry from who cares where. No one with two first names is ever going to be President while I'm alive. Not to mention that he'll dilute my precious "name trademark" and potentially bring legitimacy to people named Randall. I can't have that. Besides, Obama is going to crush him in whatever pussy pillow fight the Democrats use to measure who is going to get the nomination. That's not to say that everything is sown up on this side. I mean, yes, Barack says that he's seeking re-election now but in two years, he's likely to do the exact opposite of whatever he already stated he would do.
Unlike the slim Democrat pickings, the Republican side of the fence has a lot more cows grazing in the field but most of the major names are off launching "exploratory committees" which is something I'm pretty sure I had to do in Junior High Sexual Education class. Some of the most notable are Newt Gingrich and Tim Pawlenty. While Newt has more political chops than Tim, you have to be careful. Sure, he'll say that he's devoted to the Republican cause but before you know it, he'll be fucking some Democrat values on the side because he "works a lot" and "cares so much about this country." I don't much about Tim Pawlenty personally but I don't think he's any match for Jonathon Sharkey. The guy is a wrestler and a vampire and I don't care where he stands on the issues, he is awesome. Lastly, we can't forget to mention Donald Trump, mostly because Donald Trump won't let us forget to mention Donald Trump. If his campaign slogan isn't "Backpedaling and nonsense" then his manager should be fired.
Getting Elected
While the field is fairly wide open and the confirmed names list is short, it is still very early so any potential candidate has to have a firm game plan for getting elected. I am certainly no exception. I force my game plan to subsist on nothing but Viagra and ab crunches, so it is about as firm as it comes.
One of the major questions that people ask once they hear that you are a politician is which side you're on. Are you a Democrat? Are you a Republican? Well, I'm neither. In an effort to better my chances at winning, I'll need a lot of votes from both sides of the aisle, so my plan is run as a Replicrat and unify the country under one party. This way, you can be 100% sure that regardless of whatever I promised to do during my campaign, once elected, I'm pretty much just going to ignore you and do whatever I want anyway.
I was never good at math, but even with the majority vote, getting elected is still an uphill battle. As a potential candidate, you have to have name recognition with the common man, or so I am told. But I'm going to buck that trend also. You see, I don't have any name recognition with anyone outside of my parole officer and this is a good thing. All of the other candidates who are running have something called a "track record" that allows you to look back over their entire professional career and judge them based on their actions instead of some other arbitrary stat like how tall they are. I don't have one of those because I've never been very fond of exercise. Besides, I'm a modern guy who is hip with the times. If I was going to have any kind of accumulated action fact sheet, it'd be on Blu-Ray.
But don't let my lack of track whatever fool you. It doesn't make me any less qualified. Hell, it probably makes me more qualified. And just like my own presidential qualifications, I don't have anything that qualifies the previous statement. You have to admit that "facts" are pretty elitist. So, aside from not being qualified, what else sets me apart from the pack? Well, many existing candidates have to go out of their way to explain away or hide past mistakes in order to avoid future embarrassment. I'm pretty sure that I can't embarrass myself any further than I already have in recent years, so I can focus more on the issues at hand. We've all got skeletons in our closet -- mine just happens to be a real skeleton. A skeleton which I have sex with on occasion. I don't really understand why any of this is your business. As all this sexual skeleton talk proves, you're much better off voting for someone you know nothing about because it'll mean that you'll be that much less disappointed in the end when they become corrupted and self-serving. Seeings how I am already corrupt and extremely self-serving, you'll have that much less time to wait.
Are you still not convinced that I have the chops to get elected? Then I guess there is no better time than now to pull out my ace in the hole, though why I keep it there is beyond me. I mean, it's supposed to save me in my time of need but seriously, do you have any idea how much effort it is to find a shovel and dig it out of wherever I buried it in? The hole itself isn't marked, lest other people find it, so you can imagine the need for secrecy. Anyway, it's a huge pain in the ass is what I am saying. So, what's my big surprise? Well, I don't honestly think that I have a chance in hell of beating anyone in the 2012 race which is why I am running for President a year earlier by means of a ballot which only I am on. So, even if only one person votes for me -- and I'm allowed to vote for myself -- then I am pretty sure that I automatically win. And that just goes to show you how effective a President I would be. Shit, I got elected a full year early. History books will be talking about this political feat of greatness for many years to come (or for as long as they continue to print history books).
Post-Election
Based on all of the rock-solid evidence that I have produced thus far, I can only assume that I am now elected President and the people are eager to see me get to work. My official response to that would be "in five to seven days" because, honestly, the hangover I am going to have from the inaugural ball is going to be the stuff they write about in medical journals. After my election party sickness subsides, I'd roll up my imaginary sleeves and get to work on fixing America.
My first act as President would be to pass a law that forces people to stop calling what I do "acts." Being a President is what I can only assume to be serious business and the fact that I am called an "acting president" doesn't provide an air of "realness" around my job. I don't really have a great replacement word right now but I trust that my advisers can come up with something spectacular. My second [word that is not act] is simple and straight-forward: I'm going to call on America to stop with the peeing on each other thing. I realize that this isn't a high priority item in the grand scheme of things but, come on, it's just gross. There really is no need for one human to pee on another human, unless there is recent evidence of a jellyfish attack and even then, you can use vinegar. That said, I will, however, leave the "chest defecation" act completely legal. Not only is it funny, it's pretty much the only export that Cleveland has aside from horrible basketball.
The last big ticket item on the agenda would be, of course, to fix the economy. I don't really have any revolutionary ideas for how to do this, as I am sure many smarter people have already tried so I am going to go with the old standby: taxes. Now, to be clear, I'm not raising taxes. I'm simply introducing a bunch of new ones which probably means you'll be paying more than you currently are but, to be clear, the rate on existing taxes isn't going to increase and this is surely a good thing. Call it a unrequested income adjustment in my favor. Lastly, I would closely evaluate whether we really need all 50 states and maybe sell off one of the lesser Dakotas to Bill Gates or Google or something. After that, I think I can just sit back and go fishing in my new revenue stream.
I'm sure that, as President, I would do a lot more stuff that would be extremely beneficial to some people who are probably not you but those wonderful accomplishments would be too numerous to continue to list here. Hopefully, having read everything that I have outlined here, you can whittle down your potential voting choices to a single candidate: me. Now, with the pressure of a selection off your shoulders, you're free to start buying bumper stickers and telling anyone who'll listen who you're voting for. (Reminder: me.) With a little luck and a lot of hope, I might just win and turn this country around. But probably not. Turning things is hard work and I'm pretty sure my hat is going to win anyway. He's more likable.
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