Business is an international language and those of us here at the P.Net Corporation have a great respect for our non-American partners. The Swiss, for example, help us hide our money from the IRS because we're still bitter about not being invited to that party after 8th grade graduation. On the flip side of that, we have the Nigerian people who are constantly on the lookout to find new ways to scam us out of the very same money that we're trying so diligently to hide. That is capitalism at its finest. Of course, you need money to really make capitalism go and this money, graciously loaned to us from the Chinese because we Americans are completely incapable of curbing our spending, is just one of the millions of awesome things that the great country of China provides us.
While the nation of China is famous for many things such as lead poisoning and gunpowder, which they use to ruthlessly enforce their lead poisoning domination, they're also famous for a lot of other things too. Since I wasn't paying attention at school during the week that we covered "non-American stuff", I took a quick look on Yahoo Answers to help fill in the blanks. Apparently, China is also known for: red dragon, noodles, dumplings, a great wall and pollution. Sounds about right.
But China is known for one other amazing accomplishment and that is the subject of today's edition of the P.Net Critics Corner, the update series where we mock anything that we can get our hands on, assuming that we can steal enough pictures and jokes from other places to make it worthwhile. Today, we're talking about toys. Special toys.
P.Net Critic's Corner presents Chinese Knock-Off Toys!
RP: When you're a kid, you're pretty much at the mercy of whatever your parents want to buy you. You don't have any money of your own and you can only hope that when you ask Mom for that new Power Ranger Pokemon, that she'll actually pick up the right one.
J.Truth: Unfortunately for you, Mom only shops at the dollar store and when you asked for "Power Ranger Pokemon" she wasn't really listening and you're likely to be stuck with "Freedom Fighter Terry" or anything that vaguely resembles an action version of Barbie.
RP: Parents just don't understand.
J.Truth: Neither do the Chinese, which is what makes some of these toys so hilarious.
RP: Enough chatting. Today, if you haven't guessed, we are going to take a look at some of the best toy knock-offs around and by "best" I simply mean whatever was convenient for us to find and talk about.
Star Night
RP: Star knight, star bright, the first Chinese knock-off toy that I see tonight.
J.Truth: This is infinitely better than anything George Lucas has made in the last ten years.
RP: It's Darth Vader on a police motorcycle which makes about as much sense as putting Paris Hilton in charge of Mensa.
J.Truth: A motorcycle with training wheels no less.
RP: Hey, driving a motorcycle in outer space is hard as fuck.
J.Truth: At least the motorcycle has "real-life sound effects" and that fact alone makes it twenty times better than motorcycles without such things.
RP: In space, no one can hear your shitty knock-off toy scream.
J.Truth: His wing men must ride on Segways.
RP: I'm still trying to wrap my mind around why it has wheels at all and, if he's driving around in space, shouldn't he have some kind of bubble around his vehicle?
J.Truth: Maybe he pissed off the space police chief and now he's riding street patrol but they didn't have any good cars available so he got the crappy leftovers. Do you remember in Lethal Weapon when Mel Gibson and Danny Glover were driving around doing police work in a busted station wagon? This is the space equivalent of that.
RP: Darth Vader, tough on street crime, busting speeders and traffic violators.
J.Truth: "I find your lack of a license disturbing."
RP: Some of these features are absolutely amazing and totally warrant the huge space they allocated on the front of the box.
J.Truth: Blinking lights and real siren sound. Those two alone justify the years of lead poisoning you'll have to deal with later.
RP: It also has "mystery bump-n-go action." I have no idea what that could possibly be but I am sure it is some kind of ancient Chinese secret to making great toys. Pokemon also had mystery bump-n-go action.
J.Truth: "Gun shotting sound & voice" -- so does he have a talking gun or is his motorcycle some kind of Knight Rider K.I.T.T knock-off that also happens to make gun noises?
RP: I hope for the sake of my brain that his motorcycle is simply driving around making all these random noises with accompanying flashing lights that serve no purpose because I don't understand why Darth Vader would ever need a gun. He can just choke people.
J.Truth: I think Star Night should use that power on himself and end his confusing existence once and for all.
Sense Of Right Alliance
RP: Despite the packaging telling me otherwise, I am sensing something not quite right about this alliance.
J.Truth: What are you talking about? All of the classics are there: Superman, Batman, Spider-man.
RP: Shrek.
J.Truth: Well, I'm sure that he is a superhero to someone.
RP: I can see how the scenario would play out: Batman and Superman are on the scene being all kinds of serious about fighting the random bad guy of the week and here comes Shrek and the car to lend a hand but they only wind up getting in the way and the bad guy eventually escapes while laughing maniacally.
J.Truth: I think he would be like that little brother that always wanted to play football with the older kids. He only got picked for a team because he would tell his mother otherwise but since no one every threw the ball to him, he would just spend most of the game complaining about stuff.
RP: Maybe it's the lighting but Shrek is looking really green. Greener than usual. Like he always dreamed of being a superhero but then realized belatedly that he didn't have the stomach for it. Too late, though, since you already joined the Alliance and now you're stuck in the package.
J.Truth: Batman looks more like The Tick than Batman.
RP: The packaging is absolutely hilarious. They include pictures of Shrek's donkey, the guy from The Incredibles, the Ninja Turtles and a few other trademark infringements that I can't make out.
J.Truth: Sense of Right Alliance? More like Sense of Awesome Alliance.
RP: Sense of Incomplete Alliance. You should never go into battle half prepared and the packaging is leading me to believe that this alliance is not complete.
J.Truth: I wonder if there is a sister set for these guys, like the Sense of Wrong Alliance and it would feature the bad guy from Inspector Gadget, one of the many Bond Villains, the Joker, and Mr. Clean.
RP: But they would also need some kind of transportation.
J.Truth: Herbie the Love bug.
RP: I guess that makes as much sense as anything here in crazy China toy land.
Batman Begins
(click for big)
RP: This is the most fantastic story that was never told. I'm not sure what the "toy" is here beyond the amazing packaging but I would gladly pay more than $15 for this masterpiece.
J.Truth: It starts out as hilarious Engrish and then quickly moves into a Shakespearean-style story with a twist that I didn't see coming.
RP: Seriously, Bruce Wayne turns into Spider-man. All of these years, the movies and comics had led me astray.
J.Truth: I actually saw this movie, though that could easily just have been an LSD trip gone awesome.
RP: The best part of that movie had to be when Spider-man stroke all criminal activities and criminals everywhere. With his mask.
J.Truth: That was the gripping climax, yes.
RP: I love how Bruce Wayne just finds stuff under his "villa."
J.Truth: Oh, wow, the Realtor didn't tell me that I had a basement filled with a car, costumes, and stuff that fights crime magically.
RP: If HGTV has taught me anything, it's that you can find all kinds of amazing deals in this sagging housing market. Bruce just got lucky.
J.Truth: I hate when my equipments turn me into another person.
RP: You should own your possessions and never let your possessions own you.
J.Truth: I'm not sure that I know where the city of "Gete" is but I wonder if it's anywhere near Gotham.
RP: Probably a suburb. A more corrupt suburb because it features such notorious criminals like Tougon and the abnormal drug trafficker.
J.Truth: Is Doctor Jackstraw a different guy or is Doctor Jackstraw the name of the abnormal drug trafficker?
RP: Perhaps we should ask the chief of the mafia.
J.Truth: He sounds like someone in the know.
RP: I love how the packaging has three different kinds of Batman on it, like they just did a Google image search for Batman and took the first three that showed up.
J.Truth: They are just trying to appeal to every demographic: people who like the cartoon and people who watch the movies.
RP: And apparently people who also enjoy Spider-man.
J.Truth: Spider-man, Spider-man, he does whatever Bruce Wayne can.
That wraps up just about all of the time that we have to make fun of the Chinese people and all of their hard work. Thankfully for us, they never stop working and there are always more toys for us to be critical of. Join us next time when the PNCC convenes and we do stuff like talk and look at pictures.
While the nation of China is famous for many things such as lead poisoning and gunpowder, which they use to ruthlessly enforce their lead poisoning domination, they're also famous for a lot of other things too. Since I wasn't paying attention at school during the week that we covered "non-American stuff", I took a quick look on Yahoo Answers to help fill in the blanks. Apparently, China is also known for: red dragon, noodles, dumplings, a great wall and pollution. Sounds about right.
But China is known for one other amazing accomplishment and that is the subject of today's edition of the P.Net Critics Corner, the update series where we mock anything that we can get our hands on, assuming that we can steal enough pictures and jokes from other places to make it worthwhile. Today, we're talking about toys. Special toys.
P.Net Critic's Corner presents Chinese Knock-Off Toys!
RP: When you're a kid, you're pretty much at the mercy of whatever your parents want to buy you. You don't have any money of your own and you can only hope that when you ask Mom for that new Power Ranger Pokemon, that she'll actually pick up the right one.
J.Truth: Unfortunately for you, Mom only shops at the dollar store and when you asked for "Power Ranger Pokemon" she wasn't really listening and you're likely to be stuck with "Freedom Fighter Terry" or anything that vaguely resembles an action version of Barbie.
RP: Parents just don't understand.
J.Truth: Neither do the Chinese, which is what makes some of these toys so hilarious.
RP: Enough chatting. Today, if you haven't guessed, we are going to take a look at some of the best toy knock-offs around and by "best" I simply mean whatever was convenient for us to find and talk about.
Star Night
RP: Star knight, star bright, the first Chinese knock-off toy that I see tonight.
J.Truth: This is infinitely better than anything George Lucas has made in the last ten years.
RP: It's Darth Vader on a police motorcycle which makes about as much sense as putting Paris Hilton in charge of Mensa.
J.Truth: A motorcycle with training wheels no less.
RP: Hey, driving a motorcycle in outer space is hard as fuck.
J.Truth: At least the motorcycle has "real-life sound effects" and that fact alone makes it twenty times better than motorcycles without such things.
RP: In space, no one can hear your shitty knock-off toy scream.
J.Truth: His wing men must ride on Segways.
RP: I'm still trying to wrap my mind around why it has wheels at all and, if he's driving around in space, shouldn't he have some kind of bubble around his vehicle?
J.Truth: Maybe he pissed off the space police chief and now he's riding street patrol but they didn't have any good cars available so he got the crappy leftovers. Do you remember in Lethal Weapon when Mel Gibson and Danny Glover were driving around doing police work in a busted station wagon? This is the space equivalent of that.
RP: Darth Vader, tough on street crime, busting speeders and traffic violators.
J.Truth: "I find your lack of a license disturbing."
RP: Some of these features are absolutely amazing and totally warrant the huge space they allocated on the front of the box.
J.Truth: Blinking lights and real siren sound. Those two alone justify the years of lead poisoning you'll have to deal with later.
RP: It also has "mystery bump-n-go action." I have no idea what that could possibly be but I am sure it is some kind of ancient Chinese secret to making great toys. Pokemon also had mystery bump-n-go action.
J.Truth: "Gun shotting sound & voice" -- so does he have a talking gun or is his motorcycle some kind of Knight Rider K.I.T.T knock-off that also happens to make gun noises?
RP: I hope for the sake of my brain that his motorcycle is simply driving around making all these random noises with accompanying flashing lights that serve no purpose because I don't understand why Darth Vader would ever need a gun. He can just choke people.
J.Truth: I think Star Night should use that power on himself and end his confusing existence once and for all.
Sense Of Right Alliance
RP: Despite the packaging telling me otherwise, I am sensing something not quite right about this alliance.
J.Truth: What are you talking about? All of the classics are there: Superman, Batman, Spider-man.
RP: Shrek.
J.Truth: Well, I'm sure that he is a superhero to someone.
RP: I can see how the scenario would play out: Batman and Superman are on the scene being all kinds of serious about fighting the random bad guy of the week and here comes Shrek and the car to lend a hand but they only wind up getting in the way and the bad guy eventually escapes while laughing maniacally.
J.Truth: I think he would be like that little brother that always wanted to play football with the older kids. He only got picked for a team because he would tell his mother otherwise but since no one every threw the ball to him, he would just spend most of the game complaining about stuff.
RP: Maybe it's the lighting but Shrek is looking really green. Greener than usual. Like he always dreamed of being a superhero but then realized belatedly that he didn't have the stomach for it. Too late, though, since you already joined the Alliance and now you're stuck in the package.
J.Truth: Batman looks more like The Tick than Batman.
RP: The packaging is absolutely hilarious. They include pictures of Shrek's donkey, the guy from The Incredibles, the Ninja Turtles and a few other trademark infringements that I can't make out.
J.Truth: Sense of Right Alliance? More like Sense of Awesome Alliance.
RP: Sense of Incomplete Alliance. You should never go into battle half prepared and the packaging is leading me to believe that this alliance is not complete.
J.Truth: I wonder if there is a sister set for these guys, like the Sense of Wrong Alliance and it would feature the bad guy from Inspector Gadget, one of the many Bond Villains, the Joker, and Mr. Clean.
RP: But they would also need some kind of transportation.
J.Truth: Herbie the Love bug.
RP: I guess that makes as much sense as anything here in crazy China toy land.
Batman Begins
(click for big)
RP: This is the most fantastic story that was never told. I'm not sure what the "toy" is here beyond the amazing packaging but I would gladly pay more than $15 for this masterpiece.
J.Truth: It starts out as hilarious Engrish and then quickly moves into a Shakespearean-style story with a twist that I didn't see coming.
RP: Seriously, Bruce Wayne turns into Spider-man. All of these years, the movies and comics had led me astray.
J.Truth: I actually saw this movie, though that could easily just have been an LSD trip gone awesome.
RP: The best part of that movie had to be when Spider-man stroke all criminal activities and criminals everywhere. With his mask.
J.Truth: That was the gripping climax, yes.
RP: I love how Bruce Wayne just finds stuff under his "villa."
J.Truth: Oh, wow, the Realtor didn't tell me that I had a basement filled with a car, costumes, and stuff that fights crime magically.
RP: If HGTV has taught me anything, it's that you can find all kinds of amazing deals in this sagging housing market. Bruce just got lucky.
J.Truth: I hate when my equipments turn me into another person.
RP: You should own your possessions and never let your possessions own you.
J.Truth: I'm not sure that I know where the city of "Gete" is but I wonder if it's anywhere near Gotham.
RP: Probably a suburb. A more corrupt suburb because it features such notorious criminals like Tougon and the abnormal drug trafficker.
J.Truth: Is Doctor Jackstraw a different guy or is Doctor Jackstraw the name of the abnormal drug trafficker?
RP: Perhaps we should ask the chief of the mafia.
J.Truth: He sounds like someone in the know.
RP: I love how the packaging has three different kinds of Batman on it, like they just did a Google image search for Batman and took the first three that showed up.
J.Truth: They are just trying to appeal to every demographic: people who like the cartoon and people who watch the movies.
RP: And apparently people who also enjoy Spider-man.
J.Truth: Spider-man, Spider-man, he does whatever Bruce Wayne can.
That wraps up just about all of the time that we have to make fun of the Chinese people and all of their hard work. Thankfully for us, they never stop working and there are always more toys for us to be critical of. Join us next time when the PNCC convenes and we do stuff like talk and look at pictures.